I'm convinced I'd be happier alone, but feel I should stay for my daughter

[BeLilacHam]

I’m 58, my husband is 63. We have 2 kids, the youngest is in her last year of school, DS is older and recently moved out although he still lives close. Over the last few years I’ve started giving less of a toss about everything connected with being a wife/mother. I think it started during lockdown. I basically had a low-grade burnout about everything that involved looking after other people. I’ve put myself last for over 20 years and now I’m ready for a change. But the more we talk about retirement, the more I think that what I actually want to do with the time I have left is incompatible with living with another person.
To be clear, I love hanging out with my kids. Now that they’re older they are pretty independent and we have a great relationship.
But: I want to eat what I want, when I want. I’m sick of catering to everyone’s different diets and intolerances and fads and preferences. I want to be able to play video games till 4 am and have a long nap in the afternoon if I feel like it. Maybe I won’t put the dishwasher on every evening. Maybe I won’t unload it in the morning. Maybe I’ll go and live in Thailand for 6 months. Maybe I’ll walk to Machu Pichu.
The idea of living alone sounds like heaven to me. When my husband goes away it feels like a holiday. A weight is lifted from me. The only positive thing he brings to the household is money. And yet even then I feel like I’d be happier just making do with what I earn (which is a lot less than him), rather than trying to guess whether I’m “allowed” or “entitled” to spend joint money on myself.
Over the 20+ years we’ve been together I’ve fallen into the habit of avoiding any kind of confrontation, or even really any kind of mild “look you have a habit of doing X which is a bit thoughtless because it means I have to Y so would you mind trying not to?” because he lashes out (verbally) and it ends up being about how I am hurtful and thoughtless. So I tend to shut up and avoid saying anything that might lead to confrontation.
Could try couples counselling I suppose but frankly I’m not really interested in mending the relationship. I just want to be on my own.
I’d leave now but my daughter would be devastated. I think I should at least stay until she’s finished her A-levels. There’s no bad atmosphere as such. My husband would also be shocked if he knew this was what I was thinking.
So the question I’m asking I suppose is: is it ok to be a shit to my husband, by letting him think everything is ok for another year, in order to be less of a shit to my daughter? She’s going to take it badly whenever it happens and I’m worried it will affect our relationship. My son I think would be more sympathetic.

I would try counseling first. If you can’t stand up to your husband and create comfortable safe boundaries for yourself within a relationship then that’s an issue that will follow you round.

Stay until your DD has finished her A levels and is off to uni to minimise the impact on her

You should stay for your daughter’s A Levels. In the meantime, counselling? Even if you don’t want to stay, it will help you split better.

Stay for a bit for your daughter. Try to time it as naturally as possible. In the meantime if there is good opportunity you can try dropping hints to your daughter that you are not entirely happy in your relationship (obviously very subtle!). Same with your husband - you can vocalise some of your frustrations during one to one chats. In that way if / when you decide to leave it will be less shocking / less 'out of nowhere'.

How much longer until your daughter is finished with school?

I would just spend that time getting ready to leave. Stop doing all those things that you're tired of doing because you really do not have to do them.

It sounds as though your daughter finishes school in June, so for the sake of just over three months, I would be lining up everything possible so you can hit the ground running with the divorce straight after her last exam.

It won't be any kinder to do it sooner or warn your husband if you all have to cohabit until then. It will just change the atmosphere.

Surely you don't have to be a shit to anyone? Can't you talk to your husband and renegotiate your marriage?

Stop doing the dishwasher. Share out the cooking. Do more of the things you like and less of everything else.

BTW, I would make sure you know where all the money is, what your financial position is etc before you have any conversations. I have a friend who is in an awful position because her horrible husband hid all their finances, spent most of their cash and so she is now in poverty in her late fifties.

It’s not clear what would happen to your daughter, will you leave her with your husband or take her with you? But yes, divorce.

I think many women have the same feeling as you.
You've spent the majority of your adult life as a wife & mother .
Do you feel you have lost yourself in the process ?
You mention couple counselling , but again in a way , that is doing something for ' us ' , you need to begin with the me / I .
Start doing things just for you . Book a weekend away . Book a spa day . Go on a solo hike or a walk in the woods , take yourself off for a meal , the cinema etc , anything that floats your boat .
You might find that in the short term that is enough to keep you at home long enough for your daughter to finish everything
Get selfish now , don't put it off , do something in the next day or two .

I'm the OP (messed up my login). Thank you all for your advice, it helps to get different perspectives on the situation.

@Happyinarcon I look back at things I haven't done, or haven't said, in the past and wonder what I was so afraid of. When I read "If you can't stand up to your husband" that shocked me a bit. I've never thought of myself as not being able to stand up to him. In many ways I feel like I'm the stronger one in the relationship. But for whatever reason it's often felt like the wise or pragmatic thing to just put up with whatever problems arise and wait for them to sort themselves out, or be forgotten (which is what usually happens).

I agree that seeing out my daughter's education seems like the best thing, but looking at another thread today - If you decided to stay together for the kids, how did that work out - there are no easy answers. Having your parents separate just as you leave for uni can be disastrous. On the other hand, some kids suffer from terrible guilt at the thought their parents stayed together just for their sake.

@IamRoyFuckingKent yes why can't we just have a conversation about it. It just seems impossible. Maybe counselling is a good idea after all, even if only to make the split better as @Dressrentallll says.

@Jennalong and everyone, over the last year or so I have started doing things for myself and stopped being the person who does all the invisible work. As a result we sometimes run out of toothpaste or ketchup. There are dust bunnies. We've talked about it as a family and there is theoretical agreement that I should not be the one who does all of this alone. In practice, I still do it all, just less frequently.

I would imagine that counselling with someone who verbally lashes out at you when you try to discuss things would not be a good idea. Counselling for you though, great. I'd make your plans and keep them to yourself until you're ready. You don't need to discuss your thoughts with DH. I expect your DD will be upset whenever but you can help manage this, be supportive and having a clear idea about what you're going to do will help this.

I could do every single one of you requests within my marriage

You should tell him you want to do them and see how he reacts?

Menopause does funny things to the mind so be careful it is not that as you might find if things settle you wondered what on earth you were thinking

And yes get a handle on the finances 50/50 is the starting point as they say! It will cost ££££ to go walking to Maca pucchu

And that’s in footwear costs alone 😂

You've nothing to lose by stopping avoiding bringing up things that bother you. Have a talk with your husband about how you feel and ask what he wants from the future. He may genuinely think you are perfectly happy. You don't need to take any action just yet but start doing things for yourself.
Go out and don't prep a meal for them first etc ask DH to pick up birthday card for his family etc, drop responsibilities and plan finances

Marriage isnt an alter we sacrifice our own lives on.

I'd wait until your DD leaves for uni then pull the trigger on the marriage.

TBH I disagree with a lot of the replies. I don't see how staying with someone who shouts at you is in any way beneficial for your kid.

I think getting out ASAP teaches her- we do not stay in lives we are not happy in.

If you wait till she goes to uni then she leaves with the idea that women should just stay in unhappy homes, playing skivy to everyone else.

So long as you have a good conversation with her first about why you are leaving and that you obviously love her I don't see the issue with leaving ASAP. She's what, 16? Older?

Go now!

I would totally agree with this - but aren’t her A Levels in like three months? What’s the harm in waiting another three months and going then?

I think that would be too huge a few months before your exams.

I hear you OP. Similar feelings, would rather be alone and suit myself.
Your DH sounds like he’s got you in a little box. The sides of the box close in (bullying behaviour any time you’ve pushed back) so you’ve made yourself smaller for an easy life but it’s not easy and you now feel like a domestic servant. In my experience once you start giving less of a fuck about your relationship you can achieve more freedom from the things you’ve been restricted by and the power dynamic shifts once you both realise who wants the relationship more.
Could you talk to your daughter, plant some seeds about your (un)happiness and you as a person not just a mother and wife, so she begins to understand how you’re feeling so it isn’t a massive shock if/when you end the marriage?

Stay around while she is finishing school and do therapy for yourself meanwhile.

After that you can make a decision.

I know a woman whose husband left her when her daughter was only a few days old.
As her daughter grew, the woman dated more & more & more - to the point she was going out several days a week. She wasn’t selective about who she went out with, either.
Her sister spoke with her and suggested she slow down, mentioning that perhaps her little daughter might need her mother at home.
”My daughter can’t be happy unless I’m happy,” was her response.
Her daughter was 2.
Your priorities are in order, @BeLilacHam— but I suspect your daughter is old enough and mature enough to see that no love is lost between you and your husband and would be far happier without the two of you in the same household.
Kids are far more intelligent than we give them credit for. And far more perceptive.
Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck. ❤️

This thread is a bit of a zombie, wonder what the op did.

Put yourself and your agenda first. No one else will. However I agree with waiting just a bit longer- till daughter finished A levels.