First date .. what do you talk about?

[2324again]

What's out of bounds for discussion and what needs to be discussed, in your opinion? Especially when both divorced with kids .
I'm back in this scene again but out of it so long, my head is in a scramble! Thanks ☺️

Anyone?
I guess I'm wondering it talking about our marriages and separations is appropriate also?

Could you talk about your job, hobbies, where you grew up, holidays, etc? I think it’s ok to mention kids in passing without going into detail. I wouldn’t be afraid to say something like ‘I’ve been divorced for 3 years’ or whatever it is but I wouldn’t start explaining what went wrong and that kind of thing on a first date. Do you know the guy already at all or have you just exchanged a few texts? Maybe keep your expectations low-ish?

First date should be easy chat. Jobs, hobbies..nothing too intense. Work out who they are and how they come across both to you and others. Polite, humorous, kind etc. Any deep chat comes later.

Just start off with the usual small talk and let it take direction naturally. Go with the flow, you will both have enough experience in life to talk about your own things. It may be superficial or go deep quickly, there's no preprescribed structure. Most of all enjoy I hope! Xx

Personally I wouldn’t go deeply into your previous relationship/divorce.

Just keep it light to start and you’ll find it starts to flow anyway. Basic stuff- jobs, hobbies, weekend plans etc as a start and see where it leads

It's OK to briefly touch on your relationship history and family status.

Do not spend an hour banging on about how your ex broke your heart 😆

Keep it light and fun, nothing too heavy. If someone started sharing intimate details of their life on a first date, I'd see that as a bit of a red flag.

I'm not sure you should get too much into the detail of your past relationships too quickly.

Men can turn nasty very quickly and may use any information about this to attack you (I've had this before... 🙄).

On the flip side, though, how a man talks about his exes can be a very good indicator of the type of person he is (if he says they were crazy, beware)!

Thanks.
I had the date and he was a gentleman but for the couple of hours, we spoke
Mainly about our children, separations and their outcomes. It wasn't light at all and it was he more than I who spoke about separation.
He is devastated not to be with his children all the time and is in quite a deal of pain I think. His wife had an affair which he was blindsided by but I didn't get the feeling he was angry or bitter about that ; it was his lack of 100%access to his kids . They are separated four years. His kids are young.. 7,9,11.
Otherwise he was engaging and interesting and showed interest in my life . I enjoyed it very much and he was thoroughly mannerly and chatty and lovely.
I'm wondering 💭 f this is too raw and too early to embark on something as he certainly seems devastated about his kids.
Thanks

He did not speak badly of his ex, per se, but was more factual about it all.

So he spoke mostly about himself and his feelings? Ick-ville

No he didn't but the majority of the date did centre on talk about our kids and separations.

I actually think few subjects are off-limits on a first date... except past relationships. Casual references to exes, fine, but meeting someone new should be about looking forwards, not stewing in your own bitterness. That's what friends are for until they get bored and tell you to get over it.

Other than that I think the sooner you get into potentially divisive issues like politics and religion the better. The point is to find someone compatible with you after all.

OP, your guy sounds decent, and I'd be sympathetic to what he's going through, but I'd be really wary that he's dumping all his pain on a woman he's only just met. Like he wants you to be his therapist. You're not there to fix him. Dating should be an opportunity to get his head out of his pain for a couple of hours, not to wallow in it. If he feels comfortable doing that on the first date it's not going to get any better.

Do you think he would struggle to spend time with your children if you have them more frequently than he has his? I really feel for him but think it might be too soon for him to be dating.

I would like a casual but committed relationship where children are not brought into it . Mine or his. He said he wanted the same .

I would say a bit of this is unavoidable, it's how you came to be on a date and he was diplomatic about his ex which is good. Watch out for becoming a free therapist though. He's explained how he's come to be single, you don't need it to be a key topic for further dates. It did just really need to be headlines at this point and then mostly finding common ground/ more about you as individuals.

Thanks. We were texting afterwards to acknowledge the lovely date and through that conversation , I said that I'm glad we've got the ex/ separation thing done and over with now and look forward to our next meeting ( he suggested meeting again) He agreed . Hopefully that penny will drop .

I'm not sure OP, I think a first date should be light fun conversational chat, the most I'd want to touch on ex relationships would be a quick, how long have you been single?

I think dwelling on divorce details is a definite sign that they're not over it, and of things to come. If you're looking for casual and fun, doesn't sound like he's either thing.

100% agree. Going into so much detail on the first date with be a red flag for me that they’re not in the right headspace to date yet.

I wouldn't expect to talk much about past relationships during date 1 although I might confirm how long the other person had been divorced (and confirm I was amicably divorced and exH has regular visitation) and allow an opening for him to tell me his ex wife is CRAZY 🚩.

I tend to talk about;

• jobs (a little bit) - really just to confirm if the other person is gainfully employed and not working shifts I wouldn't want to live with. Unemployed = 🚩
• holidays / activities / fun time / hobbies. For me I don't want a big drinking partier or someone with a hugely time consuming sports fan so I'd watch for those.
• TV / films / books I enjoy.
• What I am looking for in a relationship.

I also stress a few things important to me - e.g. timeliness, I don't want more kids, etc. I view it a little as a job interview. We should both get to know some important things about one another so we can immediately rule out anyone who isn't likely to match with our lives.

What's his pattern seeing his children, how does it work with yours?

I'd go on a couple of dates with him, see how it feels without making a judgement. My last first date was a bit of a brain bender, I wasn't sure what to think, he was unlike anyone else I'd met. Been together two years now.