How do you fight gaslighting? Do people believe it?

[Pickles2023]

I don't know how to explain everything without a massive essay long backstory. I have started feeling insecure as a mum, second guessing myself and feeling constantly judged. I did do a thread a while back about my parents and took advice to stop them being around my baby unsupervised ect.

But it has ramped up to being set up around family members, where they are telling them i can't cope, bla bla. I have tried to step back but now they seem to be ramping it up and involving others. The other day they walked in my house unannounced with their friends..

I am questioning my sanity due to the daily barrage of messages putting me down. Even my childhood, they have rewritten, if i reflect on a memory they correct me with "what actually happened"

I am starting to feel i need to isolate myself from everyone as i feel they believe my parents, but then that would prove their point and they would use it too.

How do you arm yourself against this? If i go NC they will use it to make out its isolation/mental health, try and stand up for myself and they gaslight/correct.

I feel trapped, they are also trying to insult my marriage to anyone who will listen too. I actually feel quite bullied and targeted and worried of the repercussions if everyone believes what they say.

I guess also if anyone has come out the side of an abusive relationship where the Ex made out your a bad mum/awful/crazy...did everyone believe them? Did they have the power to ruin your life? Thats what i am worried about.

How do you arm yourself against this? If i go NC they will use it to make out its isolation/mental health, try and stand up for myself and they gaslight/correct.

If you're nc, it doesn't matter what they think, say or make out about you because they're not in your life anymore.

12 years down that road and I know she's lied/lies about me because I've bumped into friends of hers over the years and, more recently, discovered that she's friends with the mum of a woman I'm friends with.

But I know the truth and that's all there is to it.

'The other day they walked in my house unannounced with friends'

This is an issue and seems to reflect a lack of boundaries. Suggest you change the locks for a start so that your parents don't have access to your private space unless specifically invited by you.

Anyone who sends messages that put you down - you don't have to respond. You don't even have to read. You can block them - family included. You don't need tgat negativity in your life.

Where's your DH in all this? Can he help keep your toxic family at arm's length?

What 'repercussions' could there be? What are you imagining they could do? Get you sectioned? Get social services involved to remove your child? The threshold for that to happen is really really high & has to meet really strict legal criteria- medical professionals won't just take someone else's word for it! So that sort of catastrophic event just isn't realistic or at all likely and panicking like this is not helping you.

Thinking rationally, so long as you and your DH are being good parents (and you have to trust yourself on this) there is nothing anyone can do to you. How can cutting off awful people lead to any consequences for you other than peace & quiet?

Daily barrage of messages - stop engaging with them! Don't try to argue back or explain yourself. Who cares what they say or that they are rewriting history to mess with you? Your memories are yours alone. Block them or get a new phone number. If necessary, stop using social media - it's not essential to your life and lots of people cope quite well without it. No Contact means silence from your end.

Slagging you off to other people? Telling people you are mentally ill? Well so what? Anyone who believes them doesn't deserve to be in your life anyway. Be clear and firm and calm with people that you won't discuss it and if they continue to bring it up, refuse to see them as well.

As for them coming in to your house and barging in. if they have key, change the locks, get a video doorbell and refuse to open the door if they turn up. If they kick off or keep coming round, tell them you will report them for harassment (and do it if they don't stop).

Why isn't your DH helping you stand up to this and supporting you? Ask him to help more, encouraging you to resist contact and talking you down from irrational thoughts.

Only you can give them the power to ruin your life. So stop letting them 'live in your head' and cut them off - just STOP TALKING TO THEM. Be happy on your terms OP.

Keep your doors locked. If they have a key then get the locks changed. Don't let them into the house and don't answer the phone.

Change the locks, block the messages, reduce the contact. The best and only thing that you can do is protect your mental and emotional health as best you can, in order to continue being the best parent you can and time will prove them wrong. Boundaries and patience and the truth will out. Care less, spend time with people that make you feel secure and grounded.

Secure your home. Respond to rude messages by saying - well that's rude.
Do not spend time with people who make you feel bad, and question your sanity. You need to protect your mental health and your DC. I don't know how you have ended up tolerating such bad behaviour but there are loads of resources on TikTok etc about dealing with problem family members.
Most importantly, block and go NC - they sound absolutely awful. They do not care about your or your DC. They are using you to get attention.

Have you heard of the Grey Rock Method?

I guess this is a midway point between doing what you are doing now and going NC. I understand why going NC may seem too difficult to do if you are intimidated by the possible back lash.

Grey Rock is just pretending you are like a piece of rock. You let things wash over you and give minimal or no reaction.

It’s a good start, and you may then feel confident enough to start establishing boundaries or even go LC or NC.

Thank you, i think this is what my DH is doing. I heard of it on here, but didn't actually know what it was.

As in regards to the question about him. He doesn't seem phased at all, its like water of a ducks back. He was abused as a child quite severely by his father (has permanent back damage) so i guess to him he has a high bar, and also it has left him quite desperate for a family of any sort, so i guess thinks my family will do 😬 he just says to ignore it, but even if i do constant insults seem to get to me over time.

As for the repercussions, i guess lonliness if my other family members believe them. Also i did panic about services, but tbh any interaction i do have with health visitors/GP is positive and state our baby is flourishing so maybe/hopefully i am overly hormonal (7 months pregnant) so i am catastrophising? I guess i am overthinking if they do an anonymous call, or try to ruin my life 😅 but i know they have currently fallen out with the GP surgery so maybe they would smell it a mile off?