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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's just told me he thinks he still loves his ex

14 replies

Asifisaidthat · 24/03/2024 20:45

I'll start with a little background.
My partner and I have been together 3 years, we are expecting our first baby together. Before me he had a complicated, on again/off again relationship.
They met when she was 18, he was 22, they were travelling and ended up travelling together for 5 months. He then had to come home. He tells me they were never a couple at this point but slept together a lot.
She continued travelling for another year or so. When she came back they were just friends for almost 2 years, they were both in other relationships for the 1st year or so of that. then as she was entering her 3rd year of uni they got into a relationship. They were together for a little over a year.
At the end of her course she told him she wanted to head to Australia for 6 months and stay with her brother (she is half Aussie and this was Covid time) then do her masters abroad (southern hemisphere, January start). He didn't want to move abroad. They broke up, blocked each other on everything. In the April we met (almost a year later) fell madly in love, one of those whirlwind romances.
In the December she messaged him, he had her unblocked on instagram no idea why, but claims he didn't follow her. She said if he was single and wanted to try again she'd come home and if not she was staying, his call.
He told me at the time, it was nerve wracking but he made a big deal out of it, said she decided to leave, I pick you. So this was 2.5 years ago. We haven't spoke about her since nothing.
Last Monday he told me he was meeting a friend for lunch at work. Tbh I was having a stressful day and didn't ask anymore. He did try to tell me about it before he went (I butted in before he finished telling me and said ok? He asked if I wanted to know who or where and I said not really!)
Yesterday he posted a picture on instagram, I noticed she commented on it. So I asked him about it. He said that she was the friend he met. He told me he did try to tell me both before and after but both times I seemed uninterested and was having a terrible day so he didn't push it. I asked if it was really just as friends and he said yes he swears. He told me she's engaged now and happy in Australia, she's just here for a friends wedding.
Well today he's been off all day. I asked what's up and he said nothing nothing nothing. I kept pushing and now he's told me

"I don't want to hurt you but I think I still love her" I knew exactly who he meant.
I asked what he meant. He said he can't help but wonder what would have happened if he'd told her to come home and try again. I asked if he still loved me and still wanted our baby and he replied with "I think so" and I asked what he meant by think so. He said he
Didn't know he is confused and overwhelmed. He said he was going a drive, he hasn't come back yet it's been an hour.
I can't stop crying I don't know what to do and I think I'm looking for a handhold.
It's over right? I can't be with someone who loves someone else and probably always has!!! I'm heartbroken.

OP posts:
Row23 · 24/03/2024 21:00

I think a big issue is that he even wanted to meet her for lunch. I wouldn’t dream of meeting an ex for anything, as I think it would be disrespectful to my relationship with my husband.
I do think if he doesn’t know if he loves you then that’s a really bad sign about his intentions for the relationship you have. You deserve to be with someone who knows they love you.

Pumpkinpie1 · 24/03/2024 21:02

What an AH he is!
Personally I would tell him not to come back .
Hes a grown up who chose to have you and a child. He may be feeling overwhelmed , don’t we all sometimes , but he’s behaving terribly.
Do you have a friend who can come over ?

Trystand · 24/03/2024 21:03

I'm so sorry OP, this is the last thing you should have to deal with as a pregnant mum.

Dump him and find someone who will love and adore you and only you

Justmuddlingalong · 24/03/2024 21:08

Whatever and whoever his choice, you will never be settled or trust him again. She's engaged and living abroad, for now, that's not certain in the future. Frightening though it seems, I'd dump him as you're only an option to him. You deserve more, much more. 💐

KimFan · 24/03/2024 21:11

For someone to only “think” that they still want you and their baby would be enough to send me running for the hills. You’ll always feel second best and this is no basis for a relationship. No need to stay for the sake of the child either as they won’t know any different if you are already apart when they are born. Get rid and move on.

Zanatdy · 24/03/2024 21:26

I’m sorry OP, that’s horrible. Sadly I do think there’s little coming back from this, and you deserve so much more

TraitorsGate · 24/03/2024 21:35

She's engagedand luves in Australua, she may not even think about your partner. Let him go, hopefully he will end up on his own with neither of you. You deserve better and will manage without him in your life, concentrate on yourself and the baby. Are you in a secure position to split, financially and gave somewhere to go,

Daz57 · 24/03/2024 21:36

I would say don’t panic. He is clearly feeling overwhelmed and maybe just needed to get her out of his system. Our feelings are often very complicated when it comes to past relationships and it can feel like grieving but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I know someone who was in your position and they stayed together very happily. I wish you well.

NCA24 · 24/03/2024 22:11

Sorry he's told you because he thinks he can and you'll put up with it now you are pregnant with his baby. DO NOT set your bar low at this opportunity. When he comes back (which he will) say you cannot continue with someone who does this to their young family. Ask him to pack his bags and then leave.

Block him on everything.

He has been her second fiddle and thinks he can do this to you.

Ensure he knows otherwise.

Sending you love. (Agree with PP he's an AHole)

Olika · 24/03/2024 22:34

I would tell him to pack his bags and go. I know you are pregnant so you might find it more difficult to do so but you shouldn't be with someone who isn't sure about you, isn't choosing you back every time.

DillDanding · 24/03/2024 22:37

That’s awful. Poor you.

No coming back from this now. Who’d want to be second best? But what shitty timing.

DrunkenElephant · 24/03/2024 22:42

You need to tell him to leave. Hopefully that will give him the shock he needs in order to realise what he stands to lose, and then it’s up to you what happens next.

Do not do the pick me dance or stay in a relationship with him while he doesn’t know what he wants or whether he’s in love with someone else.

It will be the hardest thing to do, but the only way forward is to let him go. You deserve better than this and you will be happier in the long run I promise x

mightymam · 25/03/2024 07:10

Don't allow yourself to be second best. It'll only get worse.

Janehasamane · 25/03/2024 07:18

This is hard. I understand the concern here as you are pregnant, and how that , makes things so much more difficult.

i assume you will stay if hr wishes to due to the fact you’re pregnant, although I’d advise against it. He doesn’t sound committed, and clearly seeing her has brought back all his old feelings. I don’t know what to advise really as I don’t think uou will end it. Thay would be him.

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