Mum and partner don’t get on

[Worryworte]

So I’m going to try make this short
I’ve been with my partner 20 years
we’ve lived together for 6

my partner and mum get on 90% of the time

usually it’s nothing serious

just recently our dog has developed a sensitive stomach

last weekend the dog came home and a few hours later had a upset stomach

my partner told me that she will have to have no food when we visit or we will have to not go

om speaking to my mum my partner came down from the toilet and gave a quantity of treats so I brushed this off

on arrival yesterday my mum asked if she could give something my partner looked at me and said you can clean it up and barely spoke to my mum

we left and in the evening when I was getting out the bath my partner said the dog had had a upset tummy after being fine all week (I didn’t see any of this)

so this time I’ve asked mum to not give her anything. But she’s saying the dog is used to it and she feels bad.

I try to make comments but my partner has just shut them down saying we don’t listen to her So she doesn’t care

aside from this subject our conversations are fine

im a natural worrier and I can’t stand these two important people in my life not getting on.

my mum doesn’t see the issue and said it isn’t anything she’s given

we go one regular dog walks and other people hand out treats and my partner never tells them please don’t feed her so this does feel personal

im beyond worried about the next time we go -next week visiting with an Easter gift and this is making me feel unwell.

my partner is autistic and sees things very black and white and if I try to talk she will just make a derogatory statement

Is there any other friends or relatives that your DP doesn’t like?

She's your dog, so if the treats are upsetting her stomach, you should be putting your own foot down with your mother and telling her not to give treats. You are making your DP out to be the bad guy, when really it looks like its your lack of dealing with your own mother in relation to the dog.
Perhaps find treats that don't upset her stomach as an option if you have an issue saying no.What treats is she giving? Try grain free, no biscuit type treats, just meat based ones. Give your mother the treats that don't upset your dog's stomach. But really, it's better to be cruel to be kind, otherwise you can end up with an overweight dog with health problems.

The treats are grain free which is what we have been giving since there was a problem
when we got her she was under weight and when she went to visit my mum she had a scrambled egg rather than a treat, this is all I can put it down to
your right this was my fault for not being clear enough with my mum but my partner has interpreted this that is my mum .

DP gets on with very few people and since we met has developed a huge chip on her shoulder. Since getting the dog it opened her up to meeting new people and talking to people she usually wouldn’t but she isn’t the sort of person anymore to say nice things about people often has plenty of negatives to say

Your partner sounds very demanding, rigid, and unpleasant. If you are determined to keep her then just learn to manage your own emotions and learn to ignore her rudeness and her orders to be rude to your mother.

Thank you . We’re mortgaged for a house and financially wouldnt be able to live independently from each other and I do love her. I feel like a lot of autistic people she’s very anxious.
i guess the root of the problem is I'm worried she follows up on this “or we don’t go anymore” it was my fault not to make it clear that the dog is not to be fed.
When it comes to these people my anxiety is horrendous and practically has me rooted to the spot several times a day.

Your anxiety is crippling you snd making you a prisoner of your fears and of everyone else’s whims. Get therapy and learn that being unhappy will not kill your partner or your mother or the dog. Everyone needs to learn to manage their big emotions. Its not too late.

Why does she get to decide whether you go or not?

She won’t get to decide. I’ll have to say then I’ll go on my own