Is he that bad?

[angelus87]

I am at the end of my tether with my partner of 7 years. I feel like over the years my expectations have been managed down so low that I have almost none. Just in the past 24 hours; it was freezing cold (we are not in the U.K.) and he had been wfh, i had been out working all day but he didn’t offer to go out and pick dd(8) up from a play date even though I was exhausted and had to have a nap before venturing out. He just sat gaming on the computer. Then this morning when I asked him if he could bring in some plants from the torrential rain as he was already dressed, he was like “what? You want me to go out in the rain?” really irritated and didn’t do it. On the school run the other day (which he almost never does) he swore at dd who told me about it later as it had upset her. When I raised it with him he said I was just trying to start an argument. She confided in me she doesn’t talk to him or tell him things as he gets really grumpy. He has never cleaned the bathroom, never done a load of laundry. Well maybe once or twice. If we go out (for days that I always organise) he complains of being tired after a couple of hours and we have to go home. Never takes dd out, just games with her, and they ‘bicker’ as he puts it. When her bike broke I had to wheel it down to the bike shop as he cba, it just seems like the kind of thing a dad would want to do. He goes to bed at about 9.30pm. the couple of times we ever had to take dd to a&e he just moaned about how it was making us late
or taking too long. He gets drunk whenever we go on a date and is rude about things I like or talk about. We are only mid 30s. I feel so lonely. I don’t want sex and we haven’t in months, he has bad hygiene and has gained weight.

But every time I am close to ending it, I feel scared, like he is my safe place even though he makes me and dd unhappy sometimes. He is a good provider. Maybe all relationships get stale. But do others expeCt their dh/dp to help them out or do things for them just because they love them, do you expect more than just financial help and another body in the room? Please help, what is your normal?

Is this relationship making you happy?

He's a rubbish, selfish partner and at best a half arsed dad (and in reality a shit one by the sounds of it).

Your daughter is currently being taught that it's normal for men to please themselves while women should do what makes other people happy / keeps the peace / keeps things ticking over, even if it makes them unhappy themselves.

The greatest gift you can give your daughter is not lumbering her with this dynamic as the blueprint for her own relationships as an adult.

Your dd has noticed how awful he is. That tells you everything you need to know!!

He is not a “safe place”.

You are unhappy. Why are you even considering what other people feel is normal? Do your feelings count for nothing?

Nah, he sounds crap. And the fact your dd is confiding that she is uncomfortable around him would be a huge red flag for me. A good father would not swear at his child. This could cause problems between you and her when she’s older if you don’t do something about it.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish and nasty man.

He just says that I always undermine him and don’t trust him with her and hover over him and criticise. But for example, he swore at her and accused her of ‘always being pissed off with him” (she’s a slightly moody pre hormonal kid!) and he told her off in front of her visiting friend when she fell off a high stool (and hurt herself) because she was “messing around”. that’s so standard for him. He gets irritable, tells her off a lot, and yeah maybe I do intervene or pull him up on it later but I feel I have to.

This isn't a safe place, you can feel a lot more contented and safe than you do now. He isn't a good provider because that isn't just about paying for things. It's not that all relationships grow stale. Maybe they become predictable, but that's different. It can be predictably good!

You know you need to end this. You may get scared and think he is your safe space but he isn't. You are simply nervous about the unknown. Change is hard for many people. But you will be so much happier if you end this relationship. You cannot let your DD grow up thinking that this is how you should be treated in relationships. This is the standard you are setting for her.