Did you stay because of the kids? How is it now?

[mamatothreebunnies]

I really want to hear from women who stayed in the marriage simply for the kids, because you didn’t want to break up the family and all that comes with divorce. How is it now? Do you regret it? Do you wish you didn’t stay because of the kids?

my children are young (under 10) and I don’t want to break up our family but simply cannot see how I could continue with dh forever. We’ve been together 20 year (high school love) but have both changed a lot since then and simply not compatible. He has some deep issues he has never addressed and as a result I end up being on the receiving end of his BS which I don’t think I could put up with for much longer.

I did and I’m happy with that decision. It wasn’t easy and I wish that I had stood firm about him getting counselling to address his issues when we were younger. We both struggled in the marriage for different reasons and things came to a crisis a few years ago and I told him he needed to have counselling if we were to have any chance of saving our relationship and he did. It has made a huge difference - he now says that he wishes he’d done it years ago and we would both have had a happier life but we are now in our sixties and happier than we have ever been! Our grown up children are close to us, close and happy as a family and we enjoy our grandchildren and the comforts that a life together brings.

Following

I was/am terrified of an uncertain/single parent family life, so here I am 18 years in. Children are teens now. Tbh, husband is ok, we are friends, but he can be selfish, thoughtless & inconsiderate. But we get on ok never any major arguments or disagreements (partly maybe, due to my ability to "let things go" or "not cause a scene"). He's a good dad, kids adore him. My kids needs & happiness I will prioritise above my own, so if I need to stay with him, tolerate him, even if it might be loveless, then I will. Maybe when they are older & self sufficient that may change, but for now, for me, it feels "worth" keeping the family unit together. I have the added benefit of financial security/freedom. Every situation is different. Do what is right for you.

I could have written this 20 years ago and if my 40 yr old self could have seen ahead to now I would have been amazed at my life now. It’s not perfect of course but counselling for him helped us both understand his issues and we share a truly lovely, loving life now. Sometimes I do look back at my life and wish that I’d had a better marriage then but it’s more that I wished I hadn’t ’let things go’ so much. If I’d given that ultimatum earlier we would have been happier - it’s ’at the edge that people change’ and I wish I’d forced the issue .I also feel that staying together was absolutely the best decision for my children and ultimately us too.

My mum stayed because of me and my siblings. I really really wish she had had the courage to get out sooner. When she did eventually leave it was because of a traumatic event that scarred us all.

My mum did and I know she wishes she hadn't, although she has a nice life now. I wish she hadn't too.

I stayed for the children
Two have SN. And will never leave home
Probably that is what put pressure on the relationship anyway.
No way was I ending up a single mum , totally responsible for them ..they are hard work ,I wouldn't be able to care for them and earn money.
It was what was best all round
Same if I had left ,DH couldn't care for them and earn ,
It's certainly not how I thought my life would go

Yes, I did and I never regretted it. Kids were late primary age when I found out about exH's activities . I was shattered but I chose to stay with him. Although he had done that one thing ( unfaithfulness) he was a great father to the children and our circumstances meant that if I left him, our family would be scattered . He was in the Army so if I'd left him , I'd have had to go back to my family's part of the country and he'd have been living here/there/everywhere and the kids would have seen very little of him. I just didn't think that was fair to anyone so I stayed.

We were together - like room mates really - for about 10 years . We got along fine , and the kids were oblivious . They had a great life growing up, and still talk about how they were so happy then. I left him when the kids were 22 and 18, and by then he was in stable employment and I just bought a flat near where he was. The kids had left home by then so it wasn't a problem for everyone to see each other. The kids were upset about the divorce of course, but being adults they had their own lives, and Mum and Dad's divorce didn't sting as it would have when they were younger.

It's not for everybody, but if your kids are young I think it's worth thinking about. I know it's a MN truism that you must split if someone has been unfaithful, but in real life I suspect that many people do perfectly well staying together "for the kids".

Thank you so much for your replies. Each and every one of them has been immensely helpful and made me think a lot. I think ultimately I need to put the needs of my children first. And I think right now for the next decade they need us as a close family unit. In that time, I will be putting out an ultimatum to my husband as sounds like the only real option I have. I will suggest therapy, for us as a couple but him and his issues. I need to dig deep and find some of the love and care I had 15/20 years ago to really even attempt at rekindling our marriage. As he’d say the same I’m sure.

thank you again to all x

Good luck OP - I felt at the time that I couldn’t have found happiness against others (my children’s) unhappiness - I would suggest that he has counselling before you have therapy together so that you are trying to build on a stronger foundation . You sound lovely, measured and open minded. I hope you can both build happiness, whatever that looks like.

I stayed in a horrible abusive marriage for 25 years just so my son would have a family, his dad's family. I don't have any family so it was really important for me that my son had some stability. I tried to make it a happy home and family life for my son. I separated from that nasty abusive man over a year ago and he's manipulated my son so much that my son has moved in with him and hardly speaks to me anymore. For those thinking that my son is an adult and has a mind of his own, you've not met my manipulative ex...There are people out there who are very nasty and manipulative and he's one of them. He does it in such a sly way that you won't actually know you've been manipulated! He gaslighted me for years. Anyway, I wish I'd taken my son and left years ago. I feel awful for all the years he's had to experience the empty loveless marriage of his parents. I just hope and pray he realises what his dad is really like because I don't want him to waste years of his life like I did. I've tried to talk to him about what his dad is like but he doesn't want to know. So I feel I've wasted 25 years of my life!

I think whether you stay or not, you do need to consider long term effects on DC if they are aware of issues in the marriage. My parents stayed together and it has had a life long impact on me growing up with parents constantly arguing etc. My parents made no attempt to hide it when they’d had an argument and my brother and I were brought into it. The amount of times I woke up to hearing arguing. I’m generally a happy go lucky person, but lately I find myself thinking back to it a lot, and i’m in my late 40’s. I don’t know how life would have been had they divorced, but I do always say don’t stay together for the kids, as they rarely thank you for it and it often does impact their life / relationships.

Zombie....