Never had a long term relationship

[Radiatorsprings11]

Im early 30s and have a DC. My longest ever romantic relationship has been 3 and a half years. None have gone further than that. I know I have truma from childhood and the way relationships were modelled to me. I've done counselling on and off for the past 7 years. My DC father was abusive towards me and I ended up in a womens refuge. After that I didn't have a serious relationship for a good 4 years. I then met my now DP and we have been together just over 3 years. However this relationship is on the way out. DP isn't kind, lacks empathy, jealousy and controlling. I'm going to leave.

However I just feel so sad. Another failed relationship. I just can't have a "normal" relationship with a decent person. No matter how much I work on myself and have counselling I can't meet that right person. My current DP seemed lovely, kind at the beggining (yes, I know it was a mask) why does this keep happening. What are the secrets to lasting love? I just want my person who I adore and they bring something extra to mine and DC life. I don't need someone but it would be nice to have someone to be your person.

Hope that makes sense, just feeling very emotional right now.

anyone?

I'm sort of wondering if maybe you should be leaving relationships earlier? 3.5 years is a long time to realise someone is all wrong. And the longer you spend with the wrong person the less likely you are to find the right one. As an example...what happened in that one? Can you remember the first hint that he wasn't quite what he seemed? How early on was that? What made you continue?

I just looked back and it was roughly when we had been together 18 months. There were a string of things that happened. I ended it but she managed to talk me over. We had a holiday booked and i felt bad for DC if we didnt go. From that point its never been the same. I knew I never wanted to live with her in the future from then on but I just couldn't let the relationship go. Since then she told me she would get counselling. She did but it was to do with work and not our relationship. There has been other issues since then too. But still I just couldn't let it go. Part of me is scared of being alone i think. Especially now since my DC is split 50/50.

You're right though I do spend too long with the wrong people.

Yeah, there's giving the benefit of the doubt, which..after 18 months without red flags is the decent thing to do and then theres indulging in a fiction (the person they used to be). But actually...you did end it. Which, after dv etc, is quite positive. A lot of survivors struggle to end bad situations, and you didnt do that. You have your own back...the fact they talked you round...well I can see giving another chance? Maybe you should congratulate yourself a little here. Another lesson learned in a long road of recovery?

Thank you I appreciate your words. Just feeling like a long road. I look around and see people who have been together years. I know not everyone is happy together but I feel like I keel getting it so wrong.
This time I did spot red flags and I did distance myself and finally leave so I guess it is progress. I just feel worried now about finding someone. Is the pattern going to repeat again? I feel I've had enough heartbreak to last me an eternity.

Any tips would be extremely helpful from anyone?

I’ve been on my own for 17 years. I suppose you start off thinking it wont be that long but in reality it is. I decided that I wanted to be totally honest with myself and embrace all of those unmanly things that i do and it went from there.I was really obsessed with work for about 5 years until my body stopped working and I lost the ability to care, which is one of my major talents.

The best way to handle this I’ve found is to be wholly, and unashamedly you. I stopped going to crowded, sweatbox bars that I hated and started going to quiet real ale pubs, I stopped trying to rewire myself by watching manly films that other men enjoy and went to Opera and the theatre on my own. I stopped trying not to tell people that I work with children for a living and told them how much I love it instead.

Authentic me is still alone, but he’s honest and there’s a certain amount of peace that gives you.

I got told that the only thing wrong with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me.

You're looking for someone to love you, but why would they? You don't, so, even if they do, the relationship won't be healthy because you won't believe them, or agree with and respect their choice to be with you.

When you stop seeing yourself as 'faulty', you'll see relationships differently. You'll realise that the pattern can't repeat, because you're in charge, and you won't let it.

That's a really helpful view point. I've always been abit of a people pleaser. I've made alot of progress and have implemented boundaries more and I say more so much more now. However I did excuse alot of exes behaviours, tried to keep peace more than I should.
I know I try to seek validation. Haven't figured out why but I do it automatically then catch myself in my thoughts.

It's tiring. My work life is going well and I've got good friendships. Life with DC is good but the only thing that has never been good is my romantic relationships