How do you politely refuse an invitation to something boring?

[ShrubRose]

I have a new friend whom I like a lot and hope to get to know better. We've been to a few activities. But she's invited me to some things that I am just not interested in. A couple of times I faked a prior appointment, but she sort of knows my routine, and I'm not sure I can keep doing that.

Now I've gotten myself into the position of agreeing to something that I wouldn't ordinarily do on a day when the weather forecast is horrible.
When I invite someone to a specific thing, I do it carefully, i.e., "I don't know if this would interest you ... " But she just sort of says, "Are you free on Sunday? I'd love it if you could join me for ..."
Is there a way to say you don't want to do something without being insulting or alienating?
TIA

@GreyCarpet
Why do you think just not wanting to go is not a valid enough reason?

I guess it feels as if I'm putting her down.

Many years ago, someone I had just met invited me to a casino night, and I said it wasn't my kind of thing and could we plan to get together for something else. Never heard from her again!
But it's true that people have different interests, and you're right that a real friend wouldn't mind.

You say

whom I like a lot and hope to get to know better

You won't do that if you dont give a little.

Thanks so much but it's not really my cup of tea. Shall we go for a drink instead?

Just say its not your thing. I do. Nobody has taken offence yet.

This, just be honest it isn't your thing .

I have a friend who loves eg board games and comedy clubs. Both of those things are my idea of hell 😁

I like eg live music and drinking beer. Those are her ideas of hell!

We've both invited the other to events involving those things. We've both turned each other down. Neither of us feels the other is criticising our interests. The only reason we invite the other is because we love doing our respective things so much, we each think the other is missing out! And neither of us really appreciates how little the other enjoys it and hope that next time they'll say yes. Because why wouldn't they?! We never do! 😁

This, to some extent.

If this is someone you like, and want to get to know a bit better, then that sometimes involves going along to things they enjoy and you might not have done before or might think you wouldn't enjoy, and giving them a try.

However if it is something you have tried and know you don't want to do again, then how is it difficult to say "Ah, thanks for asking me, but no, that really isn't my thing. Hope you enjoy, or hope you can find someone else to go with." Then maybe "I'm really looking forward to X next week though".

I'm not sure why you think this is difficult to say.

Agree. A couple of my friends like a genre of music that I find really boring. They’ve invited me loads of times to nights playing this music, I tried it and it wasn’t for me. They still invite me but say ‘it’s probably not your thing but…’ , I say thanks for invite but it’s not for me. And we carry on being friends.

Nk ones insulted and it’s no reflection on our friendship at all

Would you want to be friends with someone who drops people just because they say no to attending certain events together?

This situation, along with all others, is a filtering system. Do what you want to do. Those who choose to still be in your life are your people. Those who get offended and walk away when you don't do what they want are people you can be glad you're rid of. People who respect you won't want you to do things you don't want to do. Be yourself, and let the filtering begin!

I always plead a prior engagement. It might only be an engagement with a cup of tea and a good book, but they aren't to know that.

It's possible she was only really interested in getting the numbers up for her casino thing. I wouldn't assume that your response put her off you as a person.

But if you're unsure, how about compromising and saying no to every second thing (or whatever number suits you)?

Do you just say "I have other plans", or do you make something up?
In my circles, it seems that people tend to give a reason, "I have a meeting, the dishwasher repair guy is coming," etc. You'd be amazed at how many dishwashers need repairing! 😂

@ShrubRose Why do you feel you can't just say "No thanks, not my sort of thing really" ?

I mean there's lots of people that don't want to

• go fly fishing
• go to an opera
• go to a Country music festival
• go and watch a football game
• go to Church
• eat sushi
• eat in a greasy spoon
• eat in a Michelin starred restaurant
• Climb a mountain
• Go wild swimming
• go to a sauna
• go to a book group

etc etc etc

None of them are appealing to everyone. We are all different. You can be friends with people who also do some things you have no desire to do. It isn't a reflection on whether you like them or not.

Lots of wise words above but also seconding this:

“You say

whom I like a lot and hope to get to know better

You won't do that if you dont give a little.”

“This, to some extent.

If this is someone you like, and want to get to know a bit better, then that sometimes involves going along to things they enjoy and you might not have done before or might think you wouldn't enjoy, and giving them a try.

However if it is something you have tried and know you don't want to do again, then how is it difficult to say "Ah, thanks for asking me, but no, that really isn't my thing. Hope you enjoy, or hope you can find someone else to go with." Then maybe "I'm really looking forward to X next week though".”

If you keep deciding you’re not interested in any of the things she chooses to do, I don’t really see how this friendship is going to develop.

@ShrubRose
Why do you think it's a good idea, as an adult, to make things up and tell them to other adults? What are you trying to protect them from, that you think they can't handle, without your lies to protect them?

What a thing to say!

But she's right!

It's puerile to make up lies as an adult to decline invitations to events that you are not interested in.

You simply say Thanks for inviting me but it's not for me. I hope you have a great time.

No Big Deal.

just be honest and say you’d love to catch up another time as it’s not your kind of thing.

my best friend of 19 years asked me to go to a spiritualist night but these things freak me out and I just said it’s not my kind of thing, she went with another friend. It hasn’t affected our friendship, we all have different interests.

Making something up is insulting and is concrete proof that the friendship isn't real because you can't be honest with each other.

There's an activity that I like, that I invited a particular friend to, and she said "no thanks I don't really enjoy [activity]" and so we do different things together and I do the other activity with different friends. It's really no big deal. If she hadn't been honest I would have kept inviting her each month and would eventually realised she was lying and that would really kill the friendship.

I agree with Watchkeys - there is no reason to lie, it isn't fair on your friend to lie, and it doesn't help you in the long term.

If you lie, not only are you betraying your friend's trust, but you're also setting yourself up for having to come up with an excuse every time they invite you to something similar. And you'll feel bad about it. And it could wreck your friendship.

Unhealthy example:
"would you like to join me for golfing lessons?"
First response - sorry I'm meeting someone else for a coffeee
2nd time of asking - sorry I'm not well
3rd time of asking - sorry I have to wait in for the plumber
4th time - I have to work.

(friend realises you're lying and stops asking, or trusting you).

Healthy example:
"would you like to join me for golfing lessons?"
Response - No offense but I really have no interest in golf. Have a great time, and maybe call round for coffee after?

(friend understands and respects your decision, and doesn't ask again).

Just be honest and say “not my cup of tea”.

Sometimes it is interesting to try something new with a friend, and sometimes you do things that you’re not mad keen on just to support the other person. But if you really don’t want to do something, don’t. Suggest another time to meet, that signals then that you like her company, just not the activity you’ve been invited to.

I just say no thanks that's not really my cup of tea. I'm more afraid of being stuck doing something really boring than I am of saying no.

They were questions, though. Can you not answer them? Why do you have a problem with actually saying what you mean/feel?

You do make things up and tell them to other adults, because you're uncomfortable telling them the truth. And you have avoided giving a truthful answer as to why you feel the need to do that.

This isn't meant to be goady or insulting; but why do you do these things? Ask yourself, if you're not happy to answer on the thread, but do try to find an answer, because it'll help you.

I meet up with a friend to go to exhibitions and museums and the like. If she suggests something I don't fancy I just say 'nope, not a fan of <whatever>' and we talk about what we both want to see. And she does the same if I suggest something she's not keen on. No offence taken on either side.

Are you worried she'll be upset with you if you decline?

She's right though.You are worried about being rude and insulting yet I'd consider being lied to to be far ruder and more insulting than to he told the truth.If they believe your lie the first time, they'll ask again. Forcing you to lie again. Eventually, the friend realises that you're weak, dishonest, unreliable, disrespectful and not to be trusted. Those are far worse traits than respecting someone enough to be honest!Which is why I made a reference to disingenuous people pleasing. Ultimately, people pleasers are only interested in pleasing themselves.