I have a complicated relationship with my mother, that I can't discuss with anyone in real life except DP who's never met her. So hoping for some advice. Apologies it's so long but didn't want a drip feed.
Am an only child, grew up abroad and parents still live there. I've been in the UK 20 years and very rarely go back. My childhood was happy in that my parents were affectionate, encouraging and I never wanted for anything. My mum travelled a lot for work so I was just naturally closer to my dad. Mum has always resented that a bit as i'm more like him than her.
From age 12, things changed quite a bit or maybe i just noticed it more. Mum lost her brother and mother around same time and became angrier and more controlling. She and my dad both isolated me from friends by criticising them, not letting me go for their parties saying they were a bad influence and i should focus on my studies. They were all nerdy introverted kids like me..Mum would have terrible mood swings, loving and kind one moment and then raging the next. When in a rage she would lose it publicly and humiliate me and dad. She would get jealous and not talk to me if i spent any time with or said anything positive about another woman, even friend's mums. Dad and I would both dread the days she was home. It was then I decided to get out at 20 and actually my parents helped fund my education abroad. They expected i'd come back eventually but i didn't.
In the last 20 years, my mum has gotten worse. Mood swings and rages. Still gets jealous of friends. She even got jealous of my ex mum-in-law and made me miserable before my wedding because of some perceived slight. All this is in private, in person and with people she's very charming and lovely. She then retired and decided she wanted to move to the UK with me - it wasn't even possible legally but she sulked about it for years after. She said she hated our home country and would only be happy in the UK - to be clear it's not first world, but a democracy, and she is affluent and has no restrictions. I had to reduce contact with her to once a month.
Things reached boiling point 2 years ago. I hadn't visited home because of covid so it was my first time back. It was bad - Dad was very low and depressed - and mum spent the entire time berating him, his past, his family, his personality. She'd become racist and man hating - which was a huge shock as she was so open minded when i was younger. It was 100% abuse. The last time I saw my dad was when my mum was about to hit me for defending him, so i packed my bags and left. Said goodbye at the airport making plans for him to come stay with me, and he looked so sad and defeated -said he couldn't leave his home. That the last decade she spent all her time on her laptop playing games and barely spoke to him. It's one of the only times i saw him cry.
He died a few months later. Had been a healthy man with no ailments and was only 70. No official cause as mum didn't want a post mortem but i think the stress of living with her caused it. She was devastated the entire time and really nice with me for a change. We never mentioned how we left things before. Then when I got back to the UK she started about coming to live with me. No chance. I was her emotional support for months but when she realised she wasn't moving, changed completely. If i didn't answer the phone when she called, she'd message my work. Guilt tripped me about how she had nothing to live for anymore. We had a break of few months. Now we speak once every 2 weeks but i can still sense her anger at everything. Still horrible about my friends. Still hates the world. Still can be charming and lovely and turn on a dime. DP and I getting married and she has no interest in meeting/talking to him, and never mentions him.
Could this be a personality disorder like BPD with the mood swings? Depression? Why is she so possessive of me? She wasn't like this when i was younger, even my dad said so. She refuses therapy, thinks there's nothing wrong with her. But I'm grappling with guilt as in my culture kids look after their elderly parents but i can't. The thought of her dying alone or being in a home far away also worries me - but I also can't bear being around her for more than a few days. I don't know if I'm unfair as she can still be lovely on occasion, and while she criticises others, is always complimentary about me. I just wish i understood her better.