Am I expected to just forgive & forget when he hasn't even said sorry?

[gummychops]

This could be long so I'll try to summarise...
After a few years of a worsening relationship, with repeated emotional & verbal abuse from my husband, I finally got my shit together & started the separation process in Oct 22. He initially agreed, but since then has dragged it out, with constant delays & stalling, & repeatedly changing his mind whether he would cooperate or not.
I have completed all the paperwork with my solicitor months ago, & she started the process of lodging it with the family courts. She has written to him numerous times, asking him to engage a solicitor, submit his affidavit of means etc etc. He has done nothing. Meanwhile he has flipped from saying... he needed to save for a solicitor/ he would represent himself/ he would cooperate/ he wasn't leaving his children... back & forth... At one point he said we should do counselling, but then refused to attend. A few months later he booked counselling but at our one & only session, he came across as such an arse that the counsellor told us there was no point continuing.
And on & on... next ignoring two letters from the family court & failing to turn up to two court dates in the past few months...
Which brings me to now. In the past couple of weeks he has suddenly started being on his best behaviour. A model father, doing loads around the house, really calm & zen. But not saying anything. No apologies, no explanation, no asking me to reconsider. Just all actions but no words. I don't know how to handle it!

Just to add, up until the last few weeks the abuse had continued off & on. Christmas was horrendous ☹️

Mixing good and bad behaviour is an abusive technique. It keeps the victim anxious because they don’t know when the abuser is going to turn.

I recommend that you take some time and write about his abusive behaviour and keep it somewhere secure eg email. Read it when you waver so you can remind yourself who he really is.

Do you feel safe in the house with him OP?

If so, would go as grey rock as possible. You know he won’t keep this performance up so guard yourself.

I believe you can still get divorced without his cooperation although expect it will take longer and cost more. Sigh.

Sorry he’s such a prick
💐

No you are not expected to forgive and forget.

I would use the advantage to move things forward whilst he seems to be being cooperative.

If you stay all future Christmases will be like last one.

This is just a stupid act and won’t last. Not the moment for hesitation, do what needs to be done.

He's just fucking with you. More. In a different way.

As much as you can, just keep a calm laser-focus on ending your marriage and starting your new life.

Just playing games, the wanker. Don't give it any head space.

Ignore it. It's a strategy.
You're not obligated to forgive him.
I b3t he will be making you feel guilty for having any demands going into the divorce.
After years of abusing you, they spin it round so that you're cold-hearted if you don't see only their good points (long forgotten) and overlook all their failings.

That's where he wants you going into divorce negotiations

A manipulative controller….if one strategy doesn’t work, ie abuse, then how about ‘I’ll play nice in order to control or get what I want’. You’ve seen what he is, don’t be side-lined, focus solely on your separation and divorce - always remember there’s a reason why you started on this path, don’t doubt now.

Expected by who? If you mean by him, then ask yourself if you feel you need to live up to his expectations, and if so, why.

Nobody else is expecting you to forgive and forget, are they?

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate your insights.
I don't feel unsafe but I often feel on edge. I'm just tired of him being in control of how happy/unhappy my life is. The future is so uncertain, I literally have no idea what my living situation will be in 6 months/a year. I'm in limbo. We have three young kids & I can't even think about school summer holidays, plan trips with them etc, as I don't know if he'll have finally agreed to move out or if he'll still be lurking around...

You will be ok. I left with nothing but debts and dependents but from the moment I left him, every decision I made was finally a reflection of what I needed next, for me and for kids. It's not an overnight recovery, but from now on one feather at a time you will be feathering your own nest and your own future. This is scary when you're used to being the underling given the odd worm.

Don't fear the courts. Abusive manipulative men who want to shame you for wanting anything for yourself have more to fear from the courts.

Have you heard of Rebecca hung on youtube. She has a good video, how to divorce a narcissist. Some good tips in there.

I'm back with an update.
Yep, you were all right. What I 99% expected to happen, happened.
Last night I broached the subject - why are you being so nice over the past few weeks? It ended in him turning everything on me, blaming me, making me out as the aggressor. He rewrote history on a recent incident where he had yelled at me & accused me of being a bad mother. In his version, I had instigated it, I had shouted at him.
I was only defending myself.

What's the situation with the house? Can you push your solicitor to get it to court to decide the split and force the sale if needed.

There's a court date in a few weeks. I'm going to have to grit my teeth until then.

Can't believe I actually was feeling a bit guilty for not being receptive to him over the past few weeks...

Keep going. You can do this and you know you have to.