But they have chosen though and it’s not me (parent related)

[ChoseMySibling]

I am the oldest of 2 siblings.

I do not get on with my Sibling-in-Law (SIL).

Long backstory but basically Sibling and SIL ganged up on me about my parenting (I am single parent to a disabled DC), told me I was ridiculous and made me feel guilty because I refused to ask ExH to have DC overnight during the Christmas Holidays to help them with something they apparently couldn’t manage without me. SIL asked ExH anyway who basically swore at them and then blocked them. They also slag me off to any one who will listen saying I don’t help with my parents (who’re fit and healthy late 50s both who could work but don’t, both still drive and go about their day, both live alone (15 years divorced)). They’re childless and say I use my DC as an excuse and that I have no real friends and that’s “concerning”. I do have friends but as they’ve been known to contact friends and demand they take me on a night out so they can babysit (DC won’t go to them, and I’m not a night out kind of woman, I’d much rather have a pub lunch or go the theatre or cinema during the daytime of a weekend when DC is with ExH if needed to be childfree) I don’t tell them who my friends are as friends have cut contact with me (understandably) due to SIL especially interferring. I also work and apparently could cut down and “help more” because of DCs disability meaning they know for certain i get disability benefits and could live off unviersal credit if I tried hard enough - bolded as they repeat that a lot to me - I work 3 days a week, it keeps me sane, it keeps me feeling like I am not just taking from society and it's basically the one place I am someone other than DCs mum/carer.

I will speak to Sibling on a basic civil level for my parents sake but we used to be close as in daily text messages, phone calls 2 or 3 times a week, Sibling was the first to know I was pregnant after ExH type relationship but I think SIL is controlling them and no-one can see it. I will have nothing to do with SIL at all. There was no need for SIL to contact my ExH or my friends about anything.

One parent said they weren’t getting involved but I needed to know said parent would always be proud of sibling than me as I’ve I quote “achieved nothing with my life bar wrecking every relationship I’ve ever had” (So getting my masters despite being a single parent to a disabled child with a rare genetic condition and battling PTSD and Depression myself or leaving my ExH when he harmed me or fighting for the diagnosis for my DC isn’t an achievement?). They also implied they’d rather DC was Sibling and SILs. Said parent also said SIL wants to get to know me and be friends and be a sibling to me and I need to be more open and less closed off to that as SIL is “sticking around”.

Other parent said no picking sides but SIL is as much their child as me and sibling are and that Sibling and SIL are the best couple they’ve ever met and I need to stop playing games and accept it as they’re a couple now and come as a package – they do everything together, they even work in the same place and sibling is not allowed to change jobs, sibling is suddenly very money motivated where before they would spend what they needed to live on but save the rest, now it’s all about flashy cars and spending as much as they can, and when we do speak it’s all about what they’ve spent on what and criticising DCs behaviour saying I’m not a strong enough parent and if ExH was in their life more then it’d be better for them.

I’ve missed family events if SIL is going to be there, I will not be part of this and I will not let my vulnerable DC be involved in it. I feel helpless and like I’ve lost my family. I think it was SILs plan all along though as SIL doesn’t have contact with their own family saying their family played favourites (SIL is one of 6 siblings I think they’re 3rd or 4th born). But family don’t see it.

For context parents also said my ExH was the best thing that ever happened to me and they felt he was their son as much as me and Sibling until I left him and then they said they told me not to marry him and I was making a mistake when I point out they loved him they say they were pretending so that he didn’t take me away from them.

There’s nothing I can do is there? I’ve lost my family over this, and I don’t think I can ever forgive them for the comments about me needing to accept it and grow up. They say they don’t choose sides but they chose my sibling. That hurts.

Just ranting really.

I’m so sorry you have such a shit family. I’d step back from them all completely.

Well done for having good boundaries.
You need to grey rock all of them, minimal contact on your terms.

If sibling or sil comments on your parenting just tell them you don’t need their advice thanks.

Im 66 and I don’t need help so I’m pretty sure your 50 something parents don’t either.
why don’t your parents work?

@SignoraVolpe They think they're too old and the world owes them a living.

Goodness, in their 50's and resentful that you don't 'help'? They should join the real world where me and my colleague are doing 12 hour shifts in our 60's.

@Harvestfestivalknickers They would say that's your choice and if everyone just stopped doing it then the government would have to lower the retirement age.

So sibling and sil think you should be helping them even though they're still only in their 50s and haven't got dc. Sounds like they've got nothing to keep them busy, and just like to interfere in other people's lives. They need to mind their own business, maybe do charity work or something ?

If you were my daughter I would be very proud of what you’ve achieved. I doubt you will ever completely stop feeling hurt by the way your family treat you it’s horrible. I hope you can build some caring relationships that are separate from your family and as they grow the hurt will lessen. Distance yourself from your family as much as possible so they aren’t a cloud over your life and other relationships

Such is the nature of some family set ups OP. You have been handed the label 'black sheep', you likley won't shrug it off now whilst in their drama triangle. Free yourself.

@Dillydollydingdong Daft thing is parents didn't need help until SIL came along. Now all of sudden despite nothing changing they can't even shop alone and they're my responsibility as Sibling and SIL work whereas they think I can just quit and dedicate myself to my parents.

If I ever do give up work it's because DC needs me at home, not so I can help with parents. When I've said this I get told to grow up and accept my responsibility.

I don't want to care for parents, even if they became old and infirm especially since they made those comments but even before that. I've seen what caring for elderly parents does to people, and i don't want that. Caring for my DC is hard enough but at least they're at school in the day so I have some sort of respite to do everything else. If I ever have to quit work it'll be because DC needs me for whatever reason, not to give more unnecessary help to my parents.

Your parents are being ridiculous-barring any serious health issues, the majority of 50-something’s don’t need looking after. I’m 50 later this year, many of my friends are in their 50’s, and we’re all rushing around!

As for your SIL, she sounds bonkers and interfering, I’d keep well away from her.

I’m sorry that they’re so awful, you get on with your life, enjoy your DS and your friends, and if you think that your parents ever need help, that’s your business. 💐

@BruFord Given their comments and how they've prioritised my siblings feelings over mine and basically made me out to be the bad guy for trying my best to juggle everything and not be at their beck and call if they need care then my preference is a care home/hospise type place, if sibling and/or parents don't want that then sibling can step up.

So sorry for your situation. It seems possible your parents are narcissistic & your brother is their golden child whilst you get scapegoated. (This was my situation).

So without necessarily saying it, you would have learned from their differing treatment of you both, that you and your needs don't really matter. This ends up with us valuing ourselves less and tolerating unacceptable behaviour from others. Which would explain why many scapegoat children of narcissistic parents end up in toxic relationships themselves.

Read up on narcissism, perhaps have a look at the Stately Homes threads here, there are plenty of helpful resources there.

Please remember this isn't your fault. Unfortunately it's very very hard to deal with. But its time to put yourself first. You matter.

@Summerhillsquare It just means I can't easily spend time with my extended family either as we only really get together at events; weddings, funerals etc. due to us being adults. Some of my cousins live opposite end of country to me so can't easily just pop in and see them seperately.

I have been going to funerals but sitting at the back and leaving asap and avoiding the wake etc to avoid SIL as my sibling isn't even allowed to attend things like that alone, even if SIL never met the deceased.

@Lurkingandlearning It's so hard though. Day to Day I just about cope but when it comes to events like weddings and funerals I'm having to miss out on due SIL being there as Sibling can't or won't go alone. I missed the wake of a much loved family member in January (went to the service and sat at the back) and my family keep just saying I need to grow up and accept my responsibility which hurts.

Theres a wedding coming up in June of a cousin which I will probably not go to as sibling and SIL will. I have to be careful with my own DCs parties now as I have some local extended family who'd let them know it's happening and then they'd most likely turn up and cause a scene - which they did last year at DCs party.

So your parents are just going to do nothing for the rest of their lives, by the sound of it? And they tell you that you have achieved nothing!

I pity them in a way. My 50s was one of the busiest and most rewarding times of my life. Hard work, but worth it. You haven't mentioned illness, so there's no reason to think they need help at that age. I wonder how they're going to fill in the time for the next few decades? And you won't be helping them in 20 to 30 years when they may well need help -- they've made sure of that, so don't let yourself be guilt-tripped.

I'm sorry you were landed with these parents, OP. Enjoy your life with DC and your friends.

But if you can, do grit your teeth and go to those family occasions where you'll catch up with other relatives. I have some nasty inlaws, and I just say a polite Hello to them as I go past on my way to talk to the friendly ones.

Is it not possible to go to wakes and weddings without speaking to them? Sit away from them, chat to other family members. Anyone asks, just say we don't get on so perfer to keep your distance.
I would not let any SIL dictate where I go and who I talk with. Take charge and disconnect with her while staying in contact with other family members.

@Ofcourseshecan I can't, I have no childcare and I can't allow DC to hear that I am lazy and using them as an excuse because that's what SIL would spend the entire time doing telling me I am lazy and I could do more for my parents if I just organised myself better and got ExH to help or quit work or was just a more responsible person in general while Sibling will chime in with the comments about my maturity or their supposed impression of my lack of and telling me that while I may not have a legal responsibility to my parents I have a moral one - DC goes to a Christian School where they talk about morals regularly and responsibility is one of the school values. I am not having my DC think that I don't do enough for other people when I feel like I'm barely treading water as it is.

And I don't want a scene that's not fair on my cousin/relatives whose nothing to do with our argument.

@Opentooffers SIL and sibling will seek me out and cause a scene, shouting about my morals and lack of maturity it's not fair to DC to hear that I don't do enough and am lazy and it's not fair to the rest of my family.

If I lose my whole family including extended over this then so be it.

Bloody hell they sound completely unhinged and borderline obsessed with you too.

So first thing, for yourself as much as anyone else, could you look into childcare for your DC? As firstly I think it would be good for you to have some respite and time for yourself, and secondly it would allow you to attend events if you wish where these vile people will be, without your DC having to be a target/ overhear such awful comments too. Although I understand why you still might not want to attend regardless!

Surely the family who whitness such behaviour from them will then form a negative opinion them and have empathy for you. Your achievements speak for themselves. Perhaps avoid such happenings in front of your DC, but otherwise you could let it play out. Let them show themselves for who they are. They can rant while you grey rock. Who in the family with sense would not have empathy with you then? Just the ones you don't need in your life.
Anyone with sense would cease to invite your B & SIL to future events.
Could be worth one showdown before chucking in the towel with all your family. Cutting yourself off from others because of them, gives them the power.

@Garlicnaan I have childcare, wraparound during my working hours and then Every Other Weekend for 2 nights DC goes to ExH/Ex-PILs. That weekend I go out with friends for meals or to the cinema or theatre but usually day time only, I'm not a night time kinda woman would rather be at home by 8pm watching netflix while eating ben and jerrys (and even do that all weekends she's with her dad sometimes 😂)

I just don't want to be seeked out and targetted at what should be a happy occasion or what should be about the deceased so I go to the service of funerals only and miss everything else.

Sad thing is before SIL was on the scene I'd have said my sibling was my best friend, my DCs favourite relative, and someone I could always rely on - they were my biggest champion and my worst enermy and it was exactly how I liked it, we'd bicker occasionally as siblings do but then it'd be forgotten in a few hours and back to being banter. Now they're none of those things and I'll never get that back no matter what happens.

@Opentooffers To be honest my cousins are so distant now i wouldn't want them taking sides, to me it would seem toxic and great a worse situation.

Even if they think badly of me due to not understanding at least I can't be accused of turning people against my family.

Pure misogyny. You're the daughter so it's your 'job' to look after your parents. I'd go low contact with the lot of them.

You seem to be giving SIL a lot of power over your life, why is that? Can't you just tell her to do one and stop interfering? As for your parents, TBH, they sound bloody useless, I don't think there is anything you can do about that.

@TheGreatGherkin I have no backing do I? In my parents eyes they now have 3 DC and a grandchild, and 2 of their DC live together and are telling them the 3rd ones the problem and should be stepping up.