Is it ok for my Partner ignoring me for their family?

[Joe7819]

After 21 years of a marriage, three grown kids, my partner has finally announced the reason for one of my biggest problems we’ve had.

My partner’s family is spread out around the world, and they never get to meet, mostly all conversations are over texts across multiple times zones at all hours.

Yesterday I was told, my partner ignores me when they go to see family because they are making happy memories and cannot text me when in conversation, trips or being with family - for days and weeks on end. I am completely ignored, feel like I’m inconvenient reality left behind and that I don’t exist when they are all meeting. Won’t reply to how are you? How are things going or anything.

Recently we’ve argued about other things but things always gravitate around these issues. I was told happy memories are being made and that I should be ok with it because they all never get to see each other. Is my partner right?

He ignores you for weeks ? You literally don't hear from him for weeks
Is that correct?

Yes that’s correct.
First time it was three weeks (kids where there this time who were conversing with me, but not partner. Second time 4 days

Sorry If I've misunderstood but in your op you made it sound like this was a regular occurrence over 21 years, but it was only on two occasions? I would be pissed off to be ignored especially for the three weeks, can he not send you a small note when he goes to bed? if this is a recent occurrence then I'm afraid he is taking you for granted. If your kids are grown why aren't you going with him.

The conversations occur on the phone/text and it’s been difficult for the number of years dealing with a partner who leads their own family life and a life with me. In the last argument I was told it’s don’t matter to them weather you are there or not, it makes o difference to them (it’s my partner only they want to see)

the two occasions mentioned are the two most prominent. There have been other issues with the family when we’ve met but I don’t want to write too much.

So after 21 years of marriage, your so-called partner is telling you that his family want to see only him and couldn't care less about you? I find that impossible to believe, and I think that your partner is making it up. Either that or they have been telling their family for years that you don't like them and want to have nothing to do with them.

Also, how come there is no talk of 'making memories' with all the family - including you? You ARE family.

Anyway, I think you should actively start considering a divorce from this unpleasant character.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to comment and run. I think this is very sad, how were his family with you when you got married, and when the children were babies, did they tolerate you through need? Did he take the babies to visit on his own. How do your grown up children feel about their Mum being persona non grata. I think your a Saint for putting up with such blatant hostility and disrespect, and I think at the very least he should be making up for it not adding to it. If I were in a similar situation I guess I wouldnt stop my husband having a relationship with his family but I would expect him to engage with me and even be a little grateful. I'm sorry but if my husband behaved that way and blatantly ignored me then we would be done...... sending you a huge hug op 💐

Yea, really weird your husband's family ignore you OP.

The bigger question is: Why do you put up with it?

And what message is this sending to your children? (They will repeat the pattern).

Thank you FamBae and MariaLuna,

Its a very complicated story, but they didn’t want us to marry. They wanted my partner to go the States and send money to the family back home. I basically scuppered the family plan, and also I was of the wrong caste (being Indian) which also displeased them.

the fact that my partner fought to marry me and against their wishes has endeared and obligated me to put up with a lot of the family hostilities. But I was told from the beginning, what concerns them I have no business in or need to know. But I took it as it will change as we grow. I have myself to blame and why should the kids now suffer for my mistakes.

when we had kids the mother in law came to help, but haven’t seen her since. Parents live in Kenya, siblings in LA, Chicago and Calgary. Not a very planned family move. And meeting is near impossible because of the geographic distribution.

I’ve never tried to stopped the family meeting and have actively encouraged it, but they are a very dysfunctional family. I’ve helped financially where I can, it still never amazes me how entitled they are.

The kids are now grown, 14,16 & 18. It’s very expensive so travel with the whole family, therefore my partner will take the kids if possible or go alone. I’ve been twice in 21 years. As a footnote (no complaint but context) I wasn’t invited to a siblings wedding 16 years ago so the unwelcome and not going thing is normal.

I have myself had a very difficult life. Am a product of a broken marriage and at 45 have experienced what that has done to me, my brother and a step sister. I wouldn’t want to put my kids through this for the sake of my peace or happiness. With the cost of living, education debts, house prices for the kids I cannot disrupt their lives or they end up where I am.

i find as life goes on people become less tolerant of each other and less empathetic, resentment grows and lives are destroyed.

In a very perverse way, my partner is financially dependent on my share of the income and cannot leave me to stay in this country; having told me Iiterally “I’m only still here because I have no where else to go I’ve checked”.!!

my children see what is going on, but they won’t take sides. I’ve got to manage their lives to growth and prosperity in an uncertain and increasingly expensive world.

My apologies to anyone who feels why am I posting these issue here if I won’t fight for myself.

I am fighting for myself; my children. I had to understand if what I was now being told was correct or acceptable. It’s the constant gaslighting which makes me doubt myself to ask.

Do you have support from your family? My first husband was very difficult socially and used to complain about the closeness of my family: "it's like an exclusive club I can't join". When I finally left, it was a bit embarrassing the speed with which my family cast him into oblivion: "Well I never liked him anyway" " I could never see why you put up with his rudeness and bad temper" etc.
It seems to me that you are putting everyone else's needs and happiness above your own and feel a sense of responsibility because of your financial contribution to family life, which isn't recognised. You have a right to be happy.