AIBU to want someone who’s “perfect” for me?

[Dav87]

I’ve been married for 6 years this year, together for 10. 2 DDs, 3 and 1, who are my absolute everything.
Me and DH used to be great, the wedding, the honeymoon period, having our first child, moving house and having our second child, but since then things have gotten worse and worse between us.
DH is a very good Dad, and works hard for our family. He does his fair share around the house, with the childcare and housework. The mental load is left to me, but I don’t mind as he works longer hours (I’m part time), so I pick up more of that side of things. We go on holidays, have family days out, we work together on our finances and doing our house up, and we have the same long term outlook on where this is all going. All is well.
BUT… there’s this huge divide coming between us. We are constantly bickering, sniping, snapping at each other. Life is a constant challenge/competition and trying to get one up on each other. We no longer find each other funny, there’s no communication, his conversation is awful, nothing in common, no sex, no intimacy at all. It’s all one sided - from both of us - and while we are able to acknowledge it’s all going wrong, neither of us seem to be able to work out how to fix it. We both hate the fact we argue all the time; but constantly feel the other “means” something by everything that is said - as in “what’s that supposed to mean?” - and the spiral continues. The constant arguments and negative environment is driving me nuts.
I want to provide a loving, stable, fun family home for my girls and I feel like I’ll be failing them if my marriage fails.
I suppose my question is, how do I fix this, and if I can’t fix this, should I bite the bullet and leave, even though DH has so many redeemable features? Do you stay and accept things being “okay”, or do you leave with the possibility you might be happier alone, but with a broken marriage? Is there even such a thing as someone who is “perfect”? Is DH fine as he is and I’m wanting too much? Not even sure if I’m explaining all this well, maybe I just wanted to write it all down somewhere 😞

Sounds like you need to work on how you communicate. Have you tried couples counselling? Talking things through with a 3rd party might help you both understand how the other is feeling. Sounds like there are still some positives but only you know if the relationship is worth saving. Parenting can really wear you down and you can lose sight of what brought you together in the first place. Maybe try telling hom how you’re feeling - but focus on how you want to improve without pointing out all his faults…. Ie “ I like how connected we use to be I’d like to get back to that” - instead “your conversation is awful we have nothing in common”

You have a 3 and a 1 year old, you are in the worse period of time for parenting in some respects. A lot of your issues could simply come from the relentless nature of a toddler and baby. I find i get talked out, after listening to a toddler chatting away I can't bear any more conversation. Its worth really thinking about how much your dh irritates you or whether its just too much on top of everything else.

This isn’t a popular opinion on here but I would give it a bloody good go at trying to make it work based on what you’ve said.

Life gets so complicated once new partners and step children get thrown into the mix and I for one would try and avoid that at all costs.

It's the "for worse" phase, and most marriages have them.

Do whatever you can to improve things -talking, counselling, going on dates, upping the affection, trying to do loving things for each other, whatever.

Just don't leave. Because then it can't get better; it will be over. And if it was great at first, what makes you think you wouldn't go through a similar phase in any subsequent relationships.

You have my sympathy though. A very hard and unhappy season of life to be in, when a marriage is going badly bb

How long has it been like this? It does sound like you have a great solid foundation and it's just a hard time with young kids.
I would try to work through it tbh. The grass isn't always greener. Could you consider getting some marriage guidance. If it doesn't get you anywhere at least you've tried. It would be a shame not to

Work on it! Of course you should. You have so many strengths there. You've just fallen into the pit of exhaustion and drudgery that occurs for most couples when they have two children.

First, focus on good things. Literally, sit with a coffee or glass of wine and take turns to say something about the other person that you know to be a positive feature. Don't generalise by saying stuff like, 'You're a good parent,' because then you'll run out of stuff to say fast. Be specific. Say, 'You make the kids laugh when you put on silly voices at bathtime and I love that you do that for them.'

Discuss in detail what you'd both like your marriage to be like. You'll automatically become a team both on the same side, both wanting the same things.

Chat about things you could do to have fun together. Make a list. Do things you used to love doing. Go to a gig of a favourite band, play music you both like in the kitchen. If you're not laughing together enough go to some comedy gigs, comic improv, watch famous stand-ups routines together at night, watch sit coms you both enjoy.

Take turns to organise a fun date night maybe twice a month.

Promise to compliment each other three times a day. Thank each other, show appreciation, notice effort in appearance, or kindness to DC or well-cooked food.

Encourage each other to have a goal or project outside the home, a sport or craft. Ask about it, show interest in it. Buy each other small gifts linked to it.

You have to work at marriage. Especially when DC are small. But if you are both good parents and share the workload that is a massive vital positive element.

Things were great until you had your second child
Your second child is 1

This is way too soon to be thinking of leaving. This is a tough time for all relationships

I think there should be a relationship limbo when you have little kids where you let the trust capital over years of good relationships pay for the every day relationships niggles until everyone is well rested again.

It will be more unlikely to find someone perfect after kids, not impossible but you'll find non committal men just after sex, ones that are busy with their own children, trying to find time for a new relationship while juggling kids and work.
My marriage ended not by my choice and that was 5 years ago, there's not been one suitable man for me yet, plus you get more fussy once you get older and single for a while.

I think this is actually a fair point.

OP, you both sound tired and tetchy, and it's hardly surprising with a toddler and a baby and a recent house move. It would be a crazy time to make a big decision about the future of your marriage. I definitely think that marriage counselling would benefit you to help you communicate better, because that sounds as if it's at the root of the day to day problems.

Do some reading on marriage or watch youtubes if you can’t find time for couples counseling. Poster upthread with the long list of suggestions was 💯 percent right to suggest timy ways of recovering emotional safety and kindness before re-establishing intimacy and playfulness. Its a step by step process.

Begin by setting up some couple time and saying openly—if you do—“I want us both to be able to enjoy our life together snd our children. I want to be in love with you and feel loved by you. Can we work on that together?”