Please give me a bit of hope

[dancinginastorm]

I have posted on here a few months ago about my wildly controlling and critical partner and everyone agreed I've got to LTB. No point going into the things he's done as I've ran over them plenty of times and I now know he is abusive. Trying to bring myself to end things but my mind is full of negative, self esteem eroding comments that I'll never be happy, can't live without him etc. But I'm so utterly miserable and fed up that I know I will eventually leave at some point and it would be better not to waste any more time with him than I already have.

I'm trying to convince myself that if I end up single it would be better than this crap I'm dealing with everyday because at least I'd be free to live my life how I choose (which I am sure is true but it's scary). But I really do want a family and I'm just worried I'll have missed the boat to meet someone decent. Can anyone give me some positive stories to kick my ass into gear and give me some hope that leaving is the best option? (I'm 32 for context)

A family means a decent dad and partner.

He's not this.

So you wouldn't have a family with him.

I met my lovely H and dad to our two early 30s in our local pub, been nearly 2 decades, still just as lovely.

I was a bit younger than you when I left my abusive ex. I can absolutely see who you're afraid to leave. I was afraid I'd missed the boat too. I wanted kids, we had just bought a house and I was working on building a carreer and reputation from my home business. The thought of losing that all was horrible.
And yet I haven't regretted leaving once in the past 7 years.

Also, since now being with a wonderful man and having the loving family that I'd always wanted, I've looked back a few times and wondered what would have happened if I'd stayed with my ex.
And I've come to realise that I was willing to put up with a lot of abuse, but never in a million years would I have let him damage my children. And that would have just ended up being a whole mess, because breaking up, sharing custody, it would have meant I'd never get to be free from my abuser.

I don't know if you'll have a family one day. But I can guarantee you, you won't have a happy ending staying with him. It's so much better to choose the unknown, rather than sticking to the damaging patterns you're used to.

Also, have you considered counseling to help you understand better why you don't love yourself enough to want a better life for yourself and to make that happen? It helped me immensely.

Don't inflict an abuser for a father on any potential child, to knowingly do so is cruel. I know it's difficult to leave but this is different. Please contact Womensaid.

At 32 you are still young, don’t waste any more of your life on this man. Leaving won’t be easy but in time you will rebuild your life, move on and hopefully meet someone who is right for you.

Stay with him. Get pregnant. Have a baby and a few more. He'll be a shit partner and a shit father but you can start lots of threads moaning about it.

Alternatively, get rid of him and live your life.

You are all right as obviously I wouldn't want to bring a child into an abusive home so not like I am going to miss out on having a family if I stayed either.

If you know you will leave him eventually then may as well be sooner rather than later. You then have more time to make a new life for yourself and to meet someone new ... if that us what you want. But itnis possible to lead a happy and worthwhile life as a single woman.
The first step into a new future is to leave. No time like the present. Good luck.

I know two women who paid for artificial insemination and live life on their own terms with their kids. Yes, its hard, but so is being a single parent whose narc ex doesn't step up, and just generally uses their parental status to keep on controlling and upsetting some poor woman long after their 'relationship' has broken down.

Just imagine the tension leaving your body. Not walking on eggshells every day, all the time worrying about what he might do becomes your time again.

Thanks all. I know it sounds silly but just feels so scary to start again especially when everyone I know is getting married and having kids. Realistically I know I will be better off and can stop wasting all of my time and thoughts on him and his behaviour just feel like I need a kick up the ass really!

Sending hugs - please try to leave asap.

You are 32 - not 92. I totally understand that you are worried about not having children etc but you really can’t have children with that man - you can’t have him in your life forever.
There are no guarantees about finding a future partner but I can guarantee that you’ll be 100% happier without him. There are many option for children further down the line but chances are you’ll meet someone fabulous 💕

You can leave him at 32, which leaves plenty of time to find someone new, or you can stay with him for as long as you (don't) like. You are wasting your fertile years.