Cassandra Syndrome.. I have it!!

[Iseeitnow]

To whoever the poster was on another thread who suggested reading up on the Cassandra syndrome.. a million thankyous! I spent most of my marriage feeling confused and 'misaligned' , as I just read it described as. Everything has fallen into place, especially regarding the cognitive dissonance and how at odds my ex husband's personality could be out with friends and at home. Having had a severely disrupted and difficult childhood I recognised clearly the hypervigilance and other symptoms that had already been hardwired in my brain. But I never really understood how my relationship had brought these behaviours back especially knowing what adoration, almost, some people seemed to have for my husband. Not sure why I'm posting this apart from to thank the person who suggested reading up about it. I have lived alone now and the difference is astonishing. I feel so at peace.

This is lovely, I’m glad you feel so at peace!

There are some fabulous cassandra support groups on facebook. Just be careful though as we're often called ableist for referring to the condition as it's often recognised in relation to being in marriages with men who have aspergers (diagnosed or undiagnosed) and we're not supposed to be suffering too 🤔.

Every free cassandra that I meet, I just feel so happy for them. Well done for getting free.

I was me under a different name. I left my husband pretty much cause of this, but struggling to get past the guilt and self doubt.

Oh gosh, I'd never heard of this before and just googled! I was married to a man with Asperger's for 10 years and frequently felt every symptom described, but never heard of this. We even tried many various therapists and none of them picked up on it until our last one, after that was when ex finally got diagnosed. And yet even that one therapist didn't acknowledge anything I was going through for those years, all the focus was on ex and I still feel like nobody really understood how he affected me, intentionally or not. The bit about PTSD was also very interesting. I felt like I'd been through an abusive relationship but couldn't properly label the abuse so was left feeling very much adrift. Thank you OP and original OP! I am a 'free Cassandra' now and so much happier but will always struggle in relationships. It felt like I was disappearing into exH's ND and MH issues and like I'd become invisible - just a silent emotional support animal with no life of my own. I look back and can't believe I lived that life for so long!

@FriendDilemma24 and @Attilasmate thank you so much! Wow I'm a free Cassandra! And free is how I feel!

@endlessperiods agree with every word you say. I already had cptsd ( diagnosed) from my childhood and to have that kind of doubled down on in my marriage nearly finished me off! Particularly as the behaviour's exhibited by my ex husband were so hard to pin down... I couldn't understand what if anything was happening. It's only since I left and moved into my own place then straight into lockdown... the imposed solitude really made me think. I was terrified of living alone ( and as it was lockdown, REALLY alone) but in fact it was a blessing. My new house was practically empty. There was just me and my cat. It was during that time, and with the help of ALOT of therapy, that I started to discover who I actually was. As you said I had become completely invisible. Now here I am four years later and the strongest I've ever been. Sending love and support to all the other Cassandra's out there

@wherediditallgosowrong I'm sorry you feel that way but I understand. I actually lost friendships when I ended the marriage because to most my husband was the most charismatic charming and delightful person they had ever met. He could do no wrong in their eyes. It just goes to show what an incredible performance people are capable are switching on. But nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. You have to trust your gut that you have done the right thing and give yourself time. Lots of time.

I’ve just looked it up because of this thread and while it’s not exactly the same it describes something I’ve been feeling!

I grew up with my dad and my sibling both having ADHD and I strongly believe my mum is ASD (but I’d never dare broach it with her), but since I moved away from them I’ve felt so free and realised how odd they were. Things like making me feeling invalidated, they just didn’t understand why I’d want to have friends or fit in with other kids at school, the rigidity and inability to see anyone else’s point of view, there was no emotional connection, I’d have to say their name loudly before speaking to them every time or they wouldn’t hear me.

I’m glad to know it’s not just me.

@SoupChicken that sounds heartbreaking. I hope you have had or are having therapy to try to undo some of the damage caused. My ex ASD partner's parents were both ASD (undiagnosed) but as part of my job is referring children for ASD diagnosises I'm confident I'm right on this. He used to behave like he was invisible around them as an adult. Never himself, never initiating conversation, agreeing when he had to. Had no needs at all. Never asked a thing of them as a child just did as he was told. I realised he didn't really have a personality. He adored his parents unfortunately and took his loyalty to them to an extreme level. I think they caused him a lot of psychological damage.

Oh what sad stories. It's awful what people have to go through. In the case of my husband, his first diagnosis, in his 50's, was of dyslexia. The person assessing him ( for work purposes) told him had scored 12/12 on whatever test it was they gave him. As someone heavily involved in education I don't know how I hadn't recognised it myself. He also has synesthesia. His brother was assessed and diagnosed with autism ( very late in life) and their mother had a RAFT of issues, certainly agrophobia, dyslexia and autism. In my therapy sessions my therapist told me she believed he had histrionic personality disorder based on what I told her about my experiences living with him. Everything just came up to the surface so slowly.. with work, bereavement, kids and life in general I never had a minute to reflect on how odd so much of his behaviour was. We were together nearly 30 years. Now I'm free.

Someone will likely pop up shortly and tell you about the empathy deficit- that the issue isn’t only with your partner, but with your own lack of empathy for your partner. There’s a gap between you caused by neither of you understanding the other.

The prevailing view on MN is that when someone who has ASD is difficult to live with it’s because they are an arse, it’s not the fault of the ASD. Additionally, the ASD is a disability so must be accommodated.

I would say that isn’t how it feels. However they are right to say that if being with your partner doesn’t make you happy, and you don’t adore them regardless of the ASD, you should leave so they can find someone who appreciates them.

I’ve stayed, by the way. We’ve found ways to accommodate each other.

I only found out what this was recently when a kind friend told me about it and yes, it's me, a Cassandra.

Sadly DH has an incurable illness and it's impossible for me to leave. I'm utterly trapped and the only way out is when he is no more, which is horrible for all concerned. I just had to post because I feel like screaming and no one hears.

@Attilasmate I recognise some of that, certainly just agreeing because to do otherwise was pointless, I couldn’t be myself.

Now I only see them a few times a year and I realised the last time I saw them that I really didn’t have a conversation with them, I listened to my mum talk about herself a lot but they never asked anything about me, and you can’t just chat because if I have an opinion about anything then I’m wrong. Anything I want to watch on TV is rubbish, my friends are never good enough. We bumped into one of my friends while we were out and I had a quick chat with her and as we walked away my mum said loudly “is she a bit thick?”

There is a difference between being an arse and ASD @pickledandpuzzled but you have to accept that penty of men with ASD are arses like plenty of men are arses and women even. Being with a man with ASD who is also an arse is a hard relationship to be in, primarily because there is no relating whatsoever and any attempts at building that gap will be scoffed at and sometimes demeaned by an ASD man who is also an arse. Plenty of women have hit burn out, become ill or been sectioned trying.

A relationship requires basic, fundamental ingredients such as intimacy, love, open communication, affection and that is not a misunderstanding or a lack of empathy on the woman's part, that is a man who ought not to be in a close, suposedly intimate relationship because primarily he's an arse who doesn't want to understand or work on things or attend therapy. Many won't even acknowledge their very obviously disability. This goes far further than empathy and you know it.

I think we agree, Atilla. But those ideas are used to shut people down here. The thread supporting people with a spouse with ASD used to get regular attempts to shut it down based on ableism or hate speech. I disagree with that.

I think some people with ASD can’t see the gap so think the partner is unreasonably demanding. So the ASD is preventing them recognising the gap needs bridging. DH has an incredibly fixed mindset- he is who he is, like it or lump it. Attempts to work on it weren’t understood. Attempts to explain that ‘our marriage isn’t working, I’m not doing well, we won’t last if we don’t sort this’ were understood as expressing the need to divorce. But he isn’t an arse.

@pickledandpuzzled to be completely honest with you people can come along and say whatever they like. They have not lived my life. Nobody could ever accuse me of not giving the relationship my absolute best shot bearing in mind we met in 1986, moved in together within a matter of months, and didn't separate until 2020. It takes a lot to give up on a 30+ year relationship and I didn't do it lightly.

I can imagine. I probably should have left many many years ago. But what we have now is ok. I don’t need to leave now.

It took its toll though- I’m not the same person I was. Perhaps I’d leave too, if I was! 😬

I am so sorry @MokaEfti That must be so hard on so many levels. Do you have any support?

I have never heard of this but my god everything resonates. My oh lacks empathy, never reads signals or cues, shuns any emotional connection and won't communicate with me about our differences aside from fixating on small details that are irrelevant. For example he is really rude to me over something I am wearing. I feel hurt and pull him up on it and all he can say is "this is a ridiculous fuss about a dress". He won't hear me that its not about the dress but his rudeness. Then I get labelled as hysterical and angry when I get so frustrated as I never feel heard.

I actually thought this might be reactive abuse in the past, but part of me knew he wasn't deliberately being nasty. This makes so much more sense.

This man has almost broken me yet he still believes I am the unreasonable one over so many issues he has caused indirectly by his emotional emptiness

@owlsinthedaylight thank you yes the DCs are supportive but i am still completely trapped. Can't leave.

Find it helpful reading other people's stories but also very painful. But at least it's good to know it's "a thing".

What is this Cassandra thing? Sounds like I have it or my ex does anyway