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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Contraception issues ruining relationship

17 replies

Baileys38 · 22/03/2024 08:35

Need advice,please be kind. I have been with my fiancee for 1.5 years. He is hands down the nicest kindest man I've ever met,but contraception is ruining our relationship. I cant use any contraception that's hormonal based due to my age and serious health conditions and medication. I also can't use a coil etc,as I've tried and bled for 10 months daily. I cant get my tubes tied,as I have severe endometriosis and the specialist said it was too risky as it will get worse. When we started dating,we used condoms but my partner couldn't orgasm with them on. I tried a female condom but we both hated it. I bought 2 different diaphragms,but I find they make me so sore,I get a uti and bv after using it and belly ache. Plus I can't feel anything inside. My partner says he can't feel things with condoms on and now when he puts one on he is losing his errection almost every time,unless he takes a viagra. He doesn't want a vasectomy as his mates had it and had an awful time. He wants to use spermicide and the pull out. He has always used this in the past(any relationship he and the female had sti checks before they had sex). I dont feel comfortable doing this. So we are now in a situation, where either I wear a diaphragm and end up in pain and a uti and bv..or,he needs to take a viagra to use a condom. Sometimes he can use a condom without viagra,but then I know its on his mind its going to go down,and it's on my mind too,so I do positions that he prefers to keep the erection.
I just feel this is ruining us.
Yes we can do other things,and we do,we explore fantasy and touch etc,but we both want full intercourse. I just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Hbosh · 22/03/2024 08:46

I want to assume that you've been to specialists about contraception and you've discussed every possibility before coming to the conclusion that you can't take anything hormonal.
If that's the case, then he should probably revisit the idea of getting a vasectomy. Of course his mates didn't like getting one. Who enjoys getting a vasectomy? You don't get one because it's fun. You get one because you'll have to endure some discomfort for a few days, in order to have a lifetime of worry-free sex. Have you decided you definitely don't want (any more) children?

I can understand why you're not comfortable with the pull-out method. It's you carrying all the risks, isn't it? If you do end up pregnant, your body would either have to go through the pregnancy or the termination. And gathering from your post, you're not in the best of health, so this sounds like a terrible idea.

Tell your SO to be a man and have the snip already.

urrrgh46 · 22/03/2024 08:51

If you have very severe Endo isnt the likelihood of pregnancy also massively diminished? In which case avoiding your ovulation time would likely be sufficient? If you're willing to take the risk? If not then he needs the vasectomy if he wants to avoid Viagra.

MillshakePickle · 22/03/2024 09:18

I wouldn't be using a spermicide. There are too many side effects for my liking, and they are not strong enough to stop a potential pregnancy unless used with another barrier method. You also need to reapply them regularly, so a long session may not be possible unless you stop and reapply.

Also, I think in the UK you need a prescription for a decent one.

Have you tried putting a bit of lube in the condom before rolling it on yourself? Not too much. You don't want it to slip off. You can also get very, very, very thin ones. We use durex nude. There's no condom scent, and they are super thin.

I'm the one who for various reasons doesn't want additional hormones and hates condoms. Mine won't have the snip either. Which is fair enough.

The only other thing I can suggest but it does come with risk is to track your cycles and use lh strips to pin point ovulation and verify by temping. You'll have safe windows.

Speaking from experience and a baby currently, moving forward we do have unprotected sex but only after I know I have ovulated. Usually around 72hrs after not before because we are truly done having kids.

Depending on age/cycle etc ovulation may not be as regular as you'd like. Hence, my newest baby I ovulate super early, and if I miss my lh surge somehow that month, we always use condoms.

We do this knowing that there is a risk of pregnancy and that it will be dealt with if it happens.

Unfortunately, I don't know much about endometriosis and how that may affect your cycles.

Don't be guilted into doing something you're not comfortable with. Read up, do some research, and speak to your gp they may be able to advise you. Any choices you make should be informed and that you're comfortable with.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 22/03/2024 09:25

My exh had the snip. We had sex the same night. With a condom... Hardly had any bruising at all. Your dh is finding excuses...

SpringleDingle · 22/03/2024 09:25

He needs to get a vasectomy or use condoms or not have sex. It sounds as if you have ruled out all other forms of female contraception. Perhaps a couple of counselling sessions together so that you can have a supported conversation together about this.

StrawberryWater · 22/03/2024 09:40

Has he looked into trying different condoms? Like really thin feel ones?

Also has he tried different sizes. You'd be surprised at how many men don't know what size to wear because they over or underestimate their own penis size.

It seems from what you've written that you're the one trying different things and he's just pouting. Either he uses condoms, and tries different ones, or gets a vasectomy.

Foxblue · 22/03/2024 09:43

What types of condom brands has he tried? If you let people know what he's used already they might be able to make suggestions.

tryingtohelp82 · 22/03/2024 09:45

SpringleDingle · 22/03/2024 09:25

He needs to get a vasectomy or use condoms or not have sex. It sounds as if you have ruled out all other forms of female contraception. Perhaps a couple of counselling sessions together so that you can have a supported conversation together about this.

This

AntonFeckoff · 22/03/2024 09:52

urrrgh46 · 22/03/2024 08:51

If you have very severe Endo isnt the likelihood of pregnancy also massively diminished? In which case avoiding your ovulation time would likely be sufficient? If you're willing to take the risk? If not then he needs the vasectomy if he wants to avoid Viagra.

This is terrible advice. Don't do this.

He needs to have a vasectomy. He's worried about a terrible time because of his mate's experience? What about the terrible time you've had with contraception? Bleeding daily from the coil, being 'so sore' from diaphragms, not being able to take hormonal contraceptives because of a serious health condition, can't have tubal ligation (not exactly a walk in the park) because it's too risky? And now a poster is suggesting you risk pregnancy, based on misinformation.

You need a break. And he needs to grow the fuck up.

Baileys38 · 22/03/2024 09:53

Thank you all for being so nice, I have spoken to various specialists about my contraception and all have said the same thing.i can't have any hormonal based due to serious health conditions and the medication I take daily.
I do understand my fiancé worry that he will have side affects after the snip.his friend had it 6 months ago and still is in pain(both my exes had the snip before I met them and had no issues at all)and it's his body his rules.
But I just feel,he's comparing his lack of sensation wearing a condom,to my lack of sensation wearing a diaphragm. That's fair enough, but he doesn't have to deal with belly ache,a uti and bv for days afterwards.
But then,when he takes a viagra and uses a condom,I get into my own head,thinking how it doesn't feel good for him and I can't relax and enjoy it either.
We both do not want kids,our own kids are grown up and flown the nest
I just cant deal with the anxiety of the pull out method, I would be constantly worrying,testing for pregnancy etc. But then I start to inwardly compare to his exes,who he used the method with and they didn't have issues
I just cant see a solution until I'm fully menopause,and that could be a few years yet. It's taking the fun out of our love making

OP posts:
Baileys38 · 22/03/2024 09:55

So we have tried
Durex thin in the red packet
Another durex
Cock ring to keep him errect
Skyns

OP posts:
rooftopbird · 22/03/2024 12:11

My ex had the snip and was back to work that afternoon with no complaints, if you ask me he's using that as an excuse plus I don't buy men who say they can't climax with a jonny.

This shouldn't be causing you so much angst when you have health issues of your own to contend with just because this so called mister perfect refuses to get a vasectomy or put a fucking condom on.

If he really cares about you he'll do it. My ex did it as I had a boat load of reproductive issues to worry about and it was no big deal for him at all.

rooftopbird · 22/03/2024 12:13

He can fuck off with what his ex's did as well. You are you and you don't know what they did according to his stories.

AntonFeckoff · 22/03/2024 12:20

rooftopbird · 22/03/2024 12:13

He can fuck off with what his ex's did as well. You are you and you don't know what they did according to his stories.

I missed the part about what he did with his exes. JFC. The entitlement of these men.

BloodyAdultDC · 22/03/2024 12:27

his body his rules

Also, your body, your rules. His excuses are pathetic. Of course he can feel everything with a condom on, of course he can have a vasectomy, HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO.

Why do his wants trump your ACTUAL medical reasons for not taking hormonal contraception/coil/risk the rhythm method.

It doesn't matter what his exes did either op, you have to do what is right for you. If that doesn't work for BOTH of you, then you are fundamentally incompatible. This would be something I wouldn't be prepared to budge on and after 18 months I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Baileys38 · 22/03/2024 13:26

Thank you.it is definitely opening my eyes by reaching out and getting responses. I think I've become too focused on his pleasure. And that's true about the exes,they may have been on the pill or menopause as some were alot older than him. I think you have hit a spot with why does his reasons trump mine. I've been willing to use something that causes me bv and uti so it feels better for him,but he's complaining of something that dulls his sensation but doesnt cause him any physical symptoms. He does lose his errection with it on,do you think that is psychological?

OP posts:
AntonFeckoff · 22/03/2024 13:32

He does lose his errection with it on,do you think that is psychological?

I think it's not your problem to figure out.

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