Mum has become too much since I told her

[CharlieDickens]

A few weeks ago my ex-boyfriend sexually assaulted me. I don't want to go into too much detail but it was an aggravated assault l and at one point it crossed my mind that I might not walk out of his flat alive.

After it happened I was so shocked, I spent 2 weeks in a daze of confusion, trying to figure out what had happened. I eventually went to the police, finished with him and blocked him on all platforms in one day.

I usually speak to my mum 3-4 times per week and see her once but because of what was going on, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was also worried about how she would react.

Anyway, last week I eventually told her what had happened. Since then she hasn't stopped calling and checking up on me. I appreciated it for the first couple of days. However since then she doesn't stop contacting me or asking to see me.

Saturday and Sunday we had lunch together; Monday she called 3 times - one even when I was in a really important meeting; I popped over to see her Tuesday for an hour only to have her call me again 2 hours later. Yesterday I tried to draw a line underneath it and told her she didn't need to call and check on me all the time.

This evening she called again, sounding like she had been drinking (this isn't normal for her). It started off with her telling me that I should go back full-time next week (I'm back working 25 hrs per week already). Then she was asking me to come over for dinner tomorrow evening but she would feed me and we could spend the whole evening together. I told her I couldn't stay all evening. I'll pop over for a cup of tea.

I now feel like I need to deal with my own trauma and my mum's trauma which is impossible. I'm regretting telling her but I know if I hadn't she would have wondered why I hadn't called. It just feels like too much. Can someone please tell me how to deal with this? I'm feeling really smothered.

Sorry to see this, how terrifying. I know you won’t want lots of people talking about it but does your mum have say, one other person she can talk to about it that could be trusted just to be a shoulder to cry on? Say to her the worst has already happened and you’re out the other side but you need some quiet, alone time to deal with what happened? You’re not responsible for your mum’s feelings. You are the only real traumatised one out of the two of you.

I'm so sorry that happened to you 🌷

I'd have lied & told my Mum I wasn't very well. I can't cope with her, on top of whatever I'm going through.

i think you just have to tell her it's stressing you out & tell her it needs to stop.

best of luck!

Sorry to hear what you went through. I think your mum is traumatised too but you can't be responsible for that. She really needs to get her own counselling or outside support. Do you have a support and advice service like rape crisis or a sexual assault service or local counselling where you can talk through how to put boundaries in? Could you write her a letter explaining how you feel and what a realistic amount of contact is? Eating dinner at the weekend and a check in message a certain amount and maybe a mid week phone call. I wouldn't go if you're not up to it. Like when you went for the tea rather than dinner I think you could just say no. It sounds like she is high anxiety when she doesn't hear from you because of what that meant before but that really isn't for you to manage

Tell her very, very clearly, calmly and compassionately that while you understand that she is upset, that her upset is not helping you handle your trauma and she MUST go and get some counselling in order to be able to support you more appropriately. It's not an option for her not to do this because the pressure needs to come off you.
Wishing you well OP.

This is really good advice.

OP you were worried about telling her which is sad, because you shouldn't be worrying about other people's feelings when you've just been sexually assaulted. Your mum sounds needy, dramatic, self centred and controlling and has made this all about herself. I would expect she always does this. I'd tell her you need some space to deal with this alone. She needs to respect that.

A white lie could be useful under the circumstances. Tell her you've gone back to work full time, even if you haven't. No lunch availability. Then, you are tired from working and dealing with emotions, so need to rest on some evenings - not necessarily a lie. Work it so you are back to the same level of connection you were at. Put your phone on vibrate when working and don't call or reply unless its convenient.

This is why I don't tell my mum anything, because I'd then have to manage how she feels about it rather than her being a support. I'm sorry this has happened to you.