Involving 7 year old in mediation?

[radiatordrama]

My daughter's father wants to go to mediation to get more time with her. This is definitely because he wants to pay less maintenance.

My daughter really, really does not want this. She cries every time she has to see him and constantly tells me she hates him. She would rather not see him at all! (I would continue with status quo rather than reducing or eliminating contact).

I think that her wishes should be considered before any changes are made to the schedule.

Does anyone have experience with including a 7 year old in the mediation process? My understanding is that she could speak with the mediators by herself so that she doesn't feel pressured by either of her parents.

If your place - i’d also post in the Divorce section as there would be people on there who have gone through something similar.

My 2p - i would NOT involve 7yo in mediation. For kids - it is way too stressful to be put in this position. With adults, and having to be choosing between parents in such a dramatic and painful procedure. Even is manages to articulate her actual feelings - the experience will scar her.
And - mediation doesn’t even the legal power
-so your ex doesn’t like the outcome - he can still just go to court and make her go through the pain of it all again.

What i would do - is go to mediation and stay firm. Think about your arguments and rationale about why it would NOT be in your daughter's best interests. And your arguments should refer not only to your DD’s feelings and words - but also something more objective.
I’d also consult a family law solicitor to ‘build your case’. It’ll both help for you to argue your case in mediation; and in court if he pushes for it.

I've not been in your position but I totally agree with jsku I would not put a 7 year old in this position.

The danger is that she will be pressurized by someone in the process and even if she is not, that she will feel that pressure.

Why does your daughter dislike her dad so much, or dislike time with him?

I am so sorry your ex is doing this.

Thanks, both, for your views. I certainly don't want to traumatised her further, so maybe it's better to leave her out of it.

He was coercively controlling to me and I am sure he's not much better with my daughter. She won't articulate what is so upsetting to her, but I found it difficult to do this as an adult - so I don't discount her experience, but I can imagine a mediator or social worker or whomever thinking there's nothing actually wrong.

Oh poor girl. How sad for her. I hop as she grows she will need to see less of him. He sounds very toxic.

Consulting with children in mediation is not traumatic and absolutely does not put pressure on children to make decisions about who they see or live with. It gives them an opportunity to voice their opinions or concerns or happy thoughts about what's happening with their family. It usually involves play and art. See Doctor Jen McIntosh's work on this.

Having said all of that...mediation should not be an option where there has been abuse.

Also should your case go to court, some parts of the UK ask children to be involved in decision making from aged 8.

The child is seen separately and has the opportunity to say what they really want away from both parents. I don't think giving the child a voice is stressful. My children did this and it stopped them being forced to see their alcoholic, unstable dad on a regular schedule. They didn't want this and they were listened to.

Do you need the maintenance money? If it meant him leaving the kid alone I’d let him not pay at all. If he wants more access then I’d make him go back to paying…. Only works if you can afford to live without the money.

I feel that I have no choice but to do the mediation. My opinion is that the court won't care about coercive control against me which is unproven.

My hope is that I can draw out these proceedings and keep him from taking me to court until she is 8. We are in greater London - not sure when children's wishes are taken into account here.

Your 7 y old should not attend mediation. Mediation can be a fantastic tool for parents to resolve issues relating to their relationship and the one with their kids. It is for the parents to talk, understand, and decide for themselves and in the best interests of their children. The two of you are the adults here.
Leave her out, please.

I think we could live without it, but he also has an ego reason to push for this (his self perception is that he's a great family man and I destroyed our family). His gf will do the childcare, so it's not much skin off his nose.

I also worry that it would reflect badly on me if I were to say to him that I would rather he sees our daughter less and just not pay anything.

@radiatordrama - do the mediation and do stall it.
But - in parallel - you need to get advice and be smart about it.
For eg - you say your daughter gets back from time there and does not want to see him or spend more time at his house.
Maybe you need to involve your GP and try to get her some counselling.
You need to be smart about building your case to protect her - and for that you need facts. It’s easy to dismiss your words, but harder if there is data and opinions of professionals.
And to do that properly - best place is to ask a solicitor what can help you. You need to strategise.

Mediation does not have to be stressful for children IF there is no disagreement between parents and it is used just to get kids to state their preferences. But in this case - a 7yo cant be expected to fight for herself and say - I do not want to see my dad more… knowing that he is pushing for it. It’s way too stressful and scary to stand up to pressure from a parent at that age.

Mediation does not ask children if they want to see or not to see a parent. It asks children to reflect on their family situation using techniques derived from child therapy. So for example they might be asked to draw a picture of their family and then this drawing would be used to discuss their feelings about their family situation. The aim is not to have a definitive answer about where a child would like to live. This is extremely damaging. A child should never be asked if they want to see or spend time with a parent, not by the other parent or by any professional. Then it becomes their responsibility - their fault that the relationship deteriorated which in the future can cause a huge amount of guilt.

The aim of involving children in mediation is to give the child the opportunity to share with their parents how their conflict and inability to make decisions for them is affecting them in order to motivate them into making better decisions for them. Post separation children feel powerless...they are often shunted back and forth between two homes with very little opportunity to talk about how this makes them feel.

Only specially trained mediators can do this work. And they need the child's full and explicit permission to share what they have said. They also are highly tuned into children who have been coached by a parent or who have been alienated. It tends to be future focussed.... So for example a mediator might ask, "if you could make a wish for one thing to be different what would it be?". The child might say, "when I go to my dad's it's his girlfriend who looks after me and not him so I don't like going. I wish he would be there." And the mediator would ask, "is that something you want your mum and dad to know".

Only involve your child in mediation if you are absolutely sure that you are prepared to listen to what they have say. It is even worse for a child to be given the opportunity to talk only to be ignored.

A GP will not put a child on a CAMHS waiting list for counselling because they don't want to spend time with a parent unless there are clear signs of anxiety, depression or behaviour changes. My first port of call would be the school to check and see if there have been behaviour changes there and to ask if they have any in-house support options or if they can recommend any other services. CAMHS waiting lists are extraordinarily long. If you have major concerns about her mental health try to access a very well qualified private therapist, but please only do this if you are genuinely concerned about how she is coping and not because you "want to build a case". If they are a decent therapist they will be unable to share what your child says unless she has given them very specific instructions to do so...and depending on the counsellor or agency they may require both parents permission to see a child. If your ex has parental responsibilities then he can refuse to allow counselling or mediation and may seek a prohibited steps order from court to prevent it. I know of a case where an order like this was issued on the grounds that the counselling was being sought to "build a case" against a parent.

@CRE2024 this is all very interesting and useful, thanks.

I think that I will raise all of this with my solicitor and get her steer as well.

I would be prepared to take my daughter's wishes into account, but my ex explicitly doesn't want to do this. She has told me that she tells him she hates him and she wants to be with me. His stated belief is that if only she spent more time with him, she would feel more part of the family and want to go there more - but after an extended period there, she's always very traumatised and clingy with me when she comes home.

It would be helpful to know why she feels this way. (For example, if she doesnt want to see her father for a silly and easily remedied reason). I am not sure she would share this with a mediator. She actually is receiving some individual sessions with a specially trained TA at school who is trying to help her with her self esteem and ability to open up about things that bother her. But this is explicitly to provide her with emotional support and coping mechanisms.

The whole thing is very stressful because it would actually be great for me if she enjoyed seeing her dad. I love having her around, but I also love having time off from parenting. It's just that I know he is abusive (I don't believe that emotionally abusive husbands can just turn it off for their children) and she is so distressed about going there every time that I worry constantly about her when it's her time for contact with him.