I’m so scared of this but it has finally become clear to me that I need to end my marriage. For many many reasons, some sad, some bad luck, and some more
serious, I’ve realised this week that for me it is irretrievable and we both deserve
the chance to be happier on our own.
We have 2 kids, both under 11 and one with a disability so needs extra care and will find understanding the change very challenging.
We have been married 12 years and as I said above for
several reasons (too many to go into in one post) our relationship has simply
broken down. We effectively co-parent and that’s it, no intimacy etc. he’d like more, but after some events that hurt me I simply can’t bring myself
to want to be intimate with him and I know that is understandably
frustrating him. I know in my heart we will never get back what we had and I want him to be happy and fulfilled and me
too, and we aren’t going
to manage that together. Ideally I’d love us to be respectful, co-parent well, still meet
as a family of 4 once a week for dinner and attend our daughter’s sporting events together. I have one friend who has successfully negotiated divorce waters and manages all this and more with her ex - husband. But I have 3 other friends who have very hostile divorces and acrimonious co-parenting relationships and it’s awful to see what they and their children go through as a result.
I’m scared to say the words I want a divorce in case he gets angry and it becomes a horrible, acrimonious, expensive (which we certainly can’t afford) battle in the courts. But I can’t carry on any longer having realised I am no longer in love with him and think we both still have a shot at happiness elsewhere, maybe alone or with someone else. Who knows. What I do know is I need to tell him but I am so scared to in case he takes it badly and it
starts the kind of divorce that hurts everyone with the levels of anger involved.
Does anyone have any magic words of advice? Or do I simply
need to take a deep breath and sit him down and tell him how I feel and hope
for the best? Right now I feel I’m living a lie going through the motions and I respect him and what we have shared together too much to carry on doing so. But I’m aware that sounds cliched and I don’t want it to be that. Perhaps I want what I can’t have- for him to happily agree and we remain friends and co-parent well and navigate the financial split together and be respectful and friendly etc. I know this is so rare but I am scared of the angry, bitter, acrimonious divorces I see and wonder how I could avoid that ☹️I use all my
energy caring for the children and working and a bitter fight is the very last thing I want in the world.
We are in Scotland and with 2 children under 11 I know we can’t have a simple “DIY “ divorce as they call it here, it has to all go through the courts legally. I just want it to be as pain free as possible.