I don't want to talk about this anymore

[Superlambaanana]

I see a lot of posters on here relating that their male partners shut them down or won't engage to talk about issues which concern the ops.

I had a similar experience with a ex who would regularly say 'I'm not talking about this anymore' and if I started to say a single word in response, he would erupt with 'I TOLD YOU I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS' and 'you never listen to me, you have no respect' etc etc.

In hindsight I have realised I was in an emotionally abusive relationship (there were lots of other things which I now see were totally unacceptable including policing who I saw, how long I could go out for etc).

But at the time, I thought that saying 'I don't want to talk about this anymore' was reasonable. Especially if an argument had been going on for a while and had started to get circular, with no one conceding any ground.

I felt it had to be ok for one person to say 'I'm tired arguing and while I'm not prepared to concede the point, I need a break to calm down/ rest/ go to work/ get perspective etc'.

I'm not talking about shouting or screaming matches here. Of course they should be shut down asap. I'm talking about shutting down an argument which is being conducted calmly and respectfully.

Of course in my previous relationship we never returned to the issue - partly because if I tried to raise it, he would say 'not this again' and partly because I knew it would cause an argument and who wants to deliberately cause an argument when things are going ok?! So we never resolved anything and unsurprisingly broke up in the end.

So my question is, is it ok to shut down an argument before a clear resolution has been reached?

Does doing that always spell doom for the relationship because it creates unresolved issues leading to festering resentments?

Or is shutting down an argumentative conversation always a clear sign of unreasonable and controlling behaviour?

That's the thing about abuse, isn't it? A lot of the things that abusers do, could be seen from the outside as an okay thing to do. And they can be so convincing.

Like shutting down an arguement sounds okay, because doesn't everyone have a right to have boundaries and protect themselves from getting into an ever escalating fight?
However, when this tactic is being used to constantly silence your partner, then it's not so okay anymore. It's just hard to draw the line.

My partner and I will take breaks from arguing, but we will always pick up the conversation later when things have settled down. I do feel like it's the right thing to do when we get stuck in the same endless conversation and we're both getting too emotional. I'm sensitive to voices being raised, and my husband has his mums French temperament. So I will regularly shut down the conversation, saying I'm open to picking it back up when we've both had a chance to calm down and when we feel ready to be constructive again. I'd hate for that to be percieved as abuse, because in the end everyone gets heard.
But there has to be that follow-up.

@Hbosh thanks for replying. Yes it's not straight forward is it! You sound like you take a sensible- and crucially, mutually acceptable and agreed approach. That's what was missing with my ex. I always felt it was partly a way for him to avoid having to address his behaviour. But it is true that one person's abuse is another's protection.

It's fine to walk away if it's making you feel shit - whether or not it's controlling, narcissistic, etc etc. You don't actually need a reason other than it feeling BAD. I wish I'd known the beautiful simplicity of this in my 20s and 30s instead of allowing myself to be shut down just because I'm less good at arguing my case.

I did this with my H. He had autism and would just repeat the same point over and over and over. It was never a conversation where we were discussing each others point of view, or moving to any type of resolution or decision. It would get so incredibly painful and frustrating that I had to shut it down and walk away.

Obviously the relationship failed.

I was the one who would need a break.

I don't like talking when I'm upset, and I hate getting stuck in a circle.

I don't find much resolution happens when people are upset or angry.

Actually I was usually/ always the one who wanted to keep talking. But he would shut it down.

I believe it was because he felt he was either unarguably right (thus in his mind, no point discussing) and/or couldn't clearly state his case because he didn't have the intelligence or was in fact completely wrong/ unreasonable - and therefore didn't want to discuss and be shown up as a fool or a bully.

I see others doing this too - either gently 'lets leave it' or aggressively 'can we please stop talking about this' and i think in a lot of cases it's actually a bullying tactic.