(mention of pedophilia) Feeling lonely and depressed, what do you do in those days?

[Trystand]

Hi everyone,

i feel so depressed.

I am 32 weeks pregnant and have a 2 year old. I feel like I can't function properly right now and feel like such a rubbish mum to my 2 year old. I also feel I have already doomed my children's lives with my poor decision making.

My (now ex)-partner was arrested for possessing csam (child sexual abuse material) of kids as young as <1. Years of images and videos of the worst possible type. I don't want to describe them here but if you look up the COPINE scale, many were on 9 and 10 .

He's now not allowed to see me or our child or come to our house.

I want to stop all contact with him and the kids, SS agree to that right now.
He has refused any sort of help even though he recently got in trouble for it but was let go of ! Now police and I know that he's actually done it the first time and redid it again. He's refusing any kind of help as well.

My heart is broken. I feel so lonely and sad for my children.

He was my only family and friend in the UK.
To make it worse we just moved to a new city and I find myself inside all day thinking of this whole thing and talking to solicitors, police and social services, all over again.

I don't know how to go forward, I feel like I'm kind of grieving him, I'm also grieving the healthy and happy childhood I had hoped for my children.

To make matters worse, I was warned that if the deleted pictures couldn't be recovered and the investigation went NFA, he could apply for unsupervised access and split custody. Even though he's confessed to it.

I know right now it's a waiting game, but what do I do in the meantime?

Thank you

Firstly, you are not a rubbish mum at all!! I believe many people like this fly under the radar for years and are experts at lying and manipulating. It is no reflection on you at all so please try remember that.

You can't predict the future or anything at all right now. It really will be 1 day at a time. Can you afford to go online and find a private female counsellor? Even one who will do telephone sessions? I do that as am housebound. This is just so helpful to me and has helped me see clearly when dealing with severe stress and fear as you must be.

I think you are being a wonderful mum for your children. Coming from personal experience, the vast majority of partners in this situation push this stuff under the rug and want to just pretend everything is fine so they don't lose their partner. It sounds like you are doing everything right for your children within the constraints of the law.

Now me personally, I have been through this with family members but not a partner, so it was very easy for us to cut contact and be 100% sure that these people would never again have any sort of relationship with our children. That is harder, naturally, when the person who is a danger to them is their own parent. If it was me, I would do everything in my power to make that as difficult for him as it could possibly be.

You say you only have him here in the UK, no other friends or family. On a really practical level, could you move away without him knowing? Do you have a support network elsewhere you could go to and get settled and start a new life? Given the ages and severity of the abuse images it sounds like he was possessing, it will never be safe for your children to be with him. If it's practically and legally possible to do so, I'd put as much physical and legal distance in between them and him as you can.

yes, I was going to say, I would look into moving away and possibly changing names and never contacting him again , I would not let him see the children ever

It's unlikely that if his viewing of IIOC has been flagged up by police and he was arrested, that it would be NFA. The have evidence and now I expect they have taken away his devices for forensics to look at?
He could engage in the 'Horizon' course but would probably have to do this via probation. It will be up to SS to decide if he gets contact in the future but it's unlikely he'll get it.

This sounds truly awful for you. You say youre not from the UK, could you return to your country and put some distance between you? I imagine he was grooming you to have his children for him to abuse? Do you think he has done anything to the 2year old?

i do hope they recover all evidence and put him away for a very long time 😖

I think I would change my name and move away. Cut all contact and congratulate yourself for having the strength to protect your children from this type of monster

This. Where are you from and do you want to be there or here long-term? Isolating you may have been a ploy.

Could you connect with anyone from your home country while you are in the UK? It's sometimes comforting to have that easy cultural connection.

Get your mn ducks in a row, make sure the kids get their British passport etc. I said this on a previous thread about a similar issue, this would be an ‘over my dead body’ situation. If he gets off, and that’s a big if, he’d have to take you to court for access. All of these processes will take forever, the courts and entire justice system is heavily backed up. He may even after taking you to court not get access. You could then ignore the court order and he’d have to go for contempt of court.

What part of the world are you from and would you ever consider moving back there? No way in hell can that animal have your kids alone. Ever.

Thank you everyone for all your help and advice.

I got a call from the detective today telling me the devices are going to be sent to a lab today

My ex wants me to give birth abroad as I'm alone here and stay there for the duration of the investigation.

He wrote a letter of consent for relocation and got it notarised.

Which I'm so happy about.

Thing is the reason he did this is to try and breach his bail conditions and avoid social services. He spoke to his solicitor who said that they could allow him to travel abroad (right now he's required to check in at the police station twice a week) by bending his bail conditions. His goal is to follow us shortly after I leave and then if he is convicted, to move to my home country because SS will close the case.
I'm planning to do everything to stop that once I've moved abroad, but I'm scared he will retract his consent and take me to court and then we will have to move back

Thing is the reason he did this is to try and breach his bail conditions and avoid social services.

He is dangerous.

By all means relocate. But don't tell him where you are.

If he consented for you to relocate then run OP. Once your children are settled in your home country he won't be able to get you to move back to the UK. Is he from your home country too? Is he very familiar with the place? If not then don't tell him where you are and just go and rebuild your life with your DC.

It sounds like the absolute worst nightmare a new mum could have but you will be fine without him - and mostly your DC can NEVER be left alone with this man he is such a huge threat to their safety. Go home to your family and heal x

So basically hes trying to get himself off the charges. He wants to run away and be at large to carry on being filthy paedo in your home country whilst shacked up with you and both children. You need to say this to the police/ss so they know his game. Can you hide his passport?

I would notify the police of the plan he’s shared with you. Why is he so comfortable telling you this stuff. Are you still in contact with him?

Yes, this is the best idea.
Leave. While. You. Can.
Nothing worse than what he's done.
You are their mother and you do whatever you need to keep your children save.
I applaud you😘
You can do this.