Hi all, I don't even know where to start but I think I really do need some opinion and emotional support here as I don't think I still have that ability to make a right decision for my own.
Let me start by introducing myself, I am F(31) and he is M(34). We were in a relationship 10y ago. I was still very young and attending college at that time, was 19yo when I met him and he proposed to me which I rejected cause I was not ready. Then stuffs happened with 3rd party which was clearly my fault and he broke up with me then I blocked him, didn't look back and totally not in contact with him until recently. For the 1st time after 10y long I unblocked him through FB and contacted him, sent him an apology text for whatever dumb thing I did to him before. I didn't hope for anything, it was purely came from my heart the need of apologizing. Who knew, I was surprised that I received a warm reply from him.
Moving forward, we went out for our 1st time dinner after so many years. We were having a normal conversation talking about what we've been doing and we were both quite nervous. When he sent me back home, he hugged and french kissed me which I didn't expect but I didn't push him back. Then it left me with lots of questions. So I asked him through msg why he did that. He said it just came out naturally and felt as if everything was just happened yesterday when we were still in a relationship. We went out again for the 2nd time and he suddenly proposed to me again. Idk if he was joking or what. He said he doesn't want a relationship anymore cause we've already been there and talking about the feeling, it's always there. He told me there was that time when he really was trying to find me but couldn't. After breaking up with me he went into another relationship and the girl didn't treat him well. It was worser than I did. Even the next after, all didn't go well. But again for the 2nd time I rejected him. Still the same reason I said I'm not ready and to me I need some time to know him again because I don't think he is the same person I used to know back then. And honestly I don't remember almost everything about him. He said okay and we ended up being together again.
All went well, everything was sweet but didn't last long. After about few months I started seeing his side which I didn't see before. His ego resurfacing, I felt uncomfortable but still could endure it until one day during his birthday we went for a short vacation. The whole stay I felt ignored and everything was about him. He was busy on phone replying text and didn't even notice I went to bed way too early. I was sad, raging inside but I wanted to appreciate his day so I didn't say anything. That moment all I wished for the night to end so we can go separate ways in the morning. The next day came, on our way home, I couldn't endure my feelings and I told him I want a breakup and said I'll go back by a taxi instead. Of course I told him my reasons. He didn't say much and just headed to my destination. I reached home and I sent him a sorry text. Our conversation continued through phone and I learnt that he didn't realize everything about what happened and was in confused. I admit my fault for being too emotional and didn't talk it out to him when I supposed to, all for the sake of trying to appreciate the day. So we decided to discuss about our relationship again when we meet. We live in different city so a bit hard to see each other but we stayed in contact.
After 2 months we meet again but didn't get the chance to discuss as I was flying somewhere. Fool me, when I was away my ex (before the current one) came and meet me, and we did sleep together. Next 2 days i returned, he fetched me home and stayed overnight at my place. He was trying to make love with me but I stopped him. The next morning we were having a usual breakfast, then I felt the need of telling him why I didn't want to make love with him cause I've been sleeping with my ex. He got furious about it, although we ourselves also no longer in a relationship. Then I started pointing out about what happened during his birthday, I noticed he was texting with other girl. He admitted it. He was in contact with her ex and she was just wishing him but then continued in contact with her after we broke up. But somehow I felt guilty and he was putting the blame too much on me. He was hoping that I will apologize to him and tell him I want to be with him again. But actually I already decided not to continue the relationship before I meet him. Then he suggested us to continue as friends cause he felt comfortable that way, to still want to in contact and go out with me. I agreed to that. But as days went on I realized that what we are doing is not like how friends should do. We act more like how lover does.
Then I slowly realize that I grew attached to him. I feel like I'm falling in love with him stronger than ever. Last month I was staying in the city for a whole month and he kept coming to my place, staying there. And I came to notice that sometimes he will be with his phone like how he did during his birthday. My gut told me he is texting his ex which made me feel so insecure and I didn't wait any longer. I asked him that night, and YES! My gut didn't lie. I asked which ex. He said the one before me (current days). He left her because she was so toxic that he couldn't handle. Then he re-assured me that there is nothing to worry about their conversation because there's really nothing special about it. Just a normal talk. Then I was being childish, I told him "if it really is nothing then you wouldn't be acting so secretive about it. Show me your conversation." Then he started talking about his life goal. He said he can do that if I can commit to be with him, not merely a lover but as his wife. He wanted me to say yes to his marriage proposal. He also know that we are not in a relationship but we are acting like one and said feeling only is not enough. He said he can ignore all his exes if I can commit to it. But since I can't yet, he doesn't want to be in a relationship either but want to stay as how we are currently. It's more like a friend with benefits to me and I don't like it.
Next day I went back to my city and I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. We continued conversation through text again and what snapped me was his msg saying, he wanted to stay with me in case I will change my mind and at the same time he also couldn't find someone who has the same goal as he is. I told him I don't want to be his back up plan. He will be in process of finding someone and when he found, he will leave me. What am I supposed to do with my grown feelings toward him? He got so mad cause he didn't like the idea of me saying him using me as a backup plan. He asked me to leave him. That night I couldn't sleep, was thinking the whole night if I should marry him. I have a past trauma about marriage and he knows it which affect me but I won't talk about it here.
After carefully thinking about it, the next morning I told him I accept the future with him. He read my msg and replied me after 9h. We agreed to meet next month to discuss about it. Then I said sorry to him and he didn't say anything back. Never contacted me again. I got sad and depressed. I started thinking about how he really feel about me. What if he doesn't love me anymore and only want to get marry? After 2 days I contacted him again, I told him I will marry him because can't stand being away from him. Then only he replied me and continued talking to me. But our conversation seem so dull. I sent him love kissing emoji but he didn't react to it. Then I asked him if he has a free time for a call. He said tonight. I left his msg without a reply. Then that night he contacted me asking what I was doing. I replied him short. I was eagerly waiting for him to say if he is up for a call but he never say it. Our last msg was when I told him I wanted to take a shower. No reply from him until his bed time. It was past 12.30am. So I decided to write him a msg, I meant to ask if he needed space and told him about how I felt about our conversation. I felt him getting further away. I was sorry couldn't make it till next month and will give him space. I told him if during that break he feels like he loves me dearly and really want to take me as his bride, he knows where to find me. Then I blocked him. I did that because I can't stop myself from bothering him if I know I still can keep in touch with him. Maybe he really need a space to be alone and I'm being too pushy.
It's been only 3 days now since I blocked him. I felt at ease at first but then last night I couldn't sleep again thinking about all the possibilities. He knows I am madly in love with him. He knows where I stay. I just want to make sure for the last time that he really is true to his word of wanting me as his bride. Also the reason I blocked him so he will come and find me if he really want to marry me. I started losing hope and feel like contacting him again. I created a mess and idk how to fix it. I even thinking of travelling to the city and meet him or should I just wait for another week? Please help me. Thank you.