Partner is a closed book

[Lolalalalalola]

I have been with my partner for two years - both divorced, both have kids, both have busy lives. Therefore we usually see each other a few evenings during the week. In many ways he is the most wonderful person I know: kind, generous, patient, hilarious. Although he certainly shows me he loves me, he has never once told me that he does. He rarely says anything sweet or complimentary. It’s honestly gets me down, although I feel like I am being needy as he’s pretty perfect in every other way. I’ve tried to raise it with him but the conversation was excruciating and never got us anywhere. Is this just the norm with some blokes? Or does he simply not feel as strongly as I do?😢

If his personality is such that he can't meet your emotional needs then he isn't a good fit for you. You don't sound needy. You want an emotional connection and that's not happening with this man. I'd move on. He won't change and you will grow more miserable.

My ex used to moan all the time I never said I loved him even though I showed him in so many ways and we got on great. I am a pretty closed book and do find it hard to say. In my mind actions speak louder than words . In the end I got fed up of him banging on about it. Growing up there was no doubt my mum loved me but we weren’t a family that said it all the time.

It might be worth thinking about Love Languages : you say he shows you that he loves you but you want more than that, you want him to tell you, too!

we all need different things..if his only fault is that he does not express his feelings in words, you can do two things:

. make that small change within yourself to accept that’s the way he is (afterall he sounds brilliant in every other way)

or

. continue to try to communicate what you need and, if the change in him does not happen, think about your options as regards ending the relationship

Thank you for your replies. I do want an emotional connection and I suppose I’m not getting that from this relationship. On the other hand, I also was raised by a family who weren’t openly affectionate or ever spoke of love - and yet I never questioned that my parents did. Everything else about our relationship is wonderful; we have a real ball together. Your comments are good for thought, thank you

It might be a sign of a larger problem to do with avoidance and lack of emotional depth. It might not… or it might. Because you haven’t lived together, and subjected your relationship to the realities of getting along and fitting around one another every day - with the little conflicts that inevitably brings - he may have found it easy to continue to show you his best side, especially while you are probably still in an initial golden period, prolonged by seeing each other fairly infrequently. The fact you raised this issue and expressed your needs, and he closed down the conversation and appeared not to understand what you needed (if that’s what happened) is a slight red flag that he might not be entirely emotionally literate. That might not matter if you believe he genuinely is all the good things and he shows love in other ways. But it’s worth being aware. I would say: beware if he express love in the form of cards, emails, texts/play lists and songs/poems (not his) - in other words, via written rather than spoken words, and using other people’s emotions rather than his own. At this stage, I would advise looking at how he handles any conflict. Does he express his feelings? Or close down, go silent etc? Does he express his own needs or put a lid on them? And consider if he is able to offer real support and interest in your situation, emotions, problems etc or if he pays lip service: eg ‘That sounds terrible, I really hope it gets better.’ Because an inability to express love is sometimes (not always) a sign that he expects more than he will ever give.

One thing I learned from couples counseling was the phrase 'can you love me in a different way?' and to me this has always been so helpful.

You have a great relationship in many ways and it sounds like you don't particularly want to end things. But his ways of showing love and affection are very different from yours. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It's just that he's showing you love in the way he has learned to do so (probably since childhood).
It's important to acknowledge his efforts to show his love for you, because otherwise he'll get discouraged or feel like whatever he does isn't good enough. But you could tell him that for you to truly feel loved, rather than knowing deep down he does, he needs to love you in a different way.

I really appreciate those replies…I’ll reread again this evening and consider your ideas. Thank you

Unbelievable how the first reply predictably tells you he's not right for you. It's a wonder any of these people find anyone with such impossible expectations and standards.

@Lolalalalalola your partner sounds almost exactly the same as mine! Albeit i've been with mine less time and I'm older than you.

Like you, I find it difficult, but have realised I have to come to terms with it as he ticks every other box. He admits he finds the compliments I pay him difficult to deal with as he's never been complimented before (he had a very abusive past relationship) and when I questioned him recently, after I'd told him how much he meant to me, he replied he felt the same but and said "I'm a man of few words, I always have been".

So, I think you, and I, have to look at their actions and just try and come to understand that that is just the way they are and try not to take it personally (though, difficult!).

Interesting. I could have typed this nearly identical question a few years ago. Anyway, I pondered over it (as I would be giving up a lot - he was consistent, respectful, fun!) and asked him (clammed up). It took something serious to happen to me and him to offer no support and end things when I was at my most vulnerable, for me to realise that he wouldn't be a good partner to me. I don't actually think he would be for anyone who had needs that didn't align perfectly with his. But that was just him.

First of all, you are not being "needy" by wanting your partner to express his love and affection for you. Everyone wants this, the difference is how it is expressed. The issue for you is that when you brought it up, it doesn't sound like he responded in a way that showed he understood how you felt and wanted to address it in a way that he was able. Given that you are happy with him otherwise I would say it's worth raising again and perhaps with the help of a therapist. Please don't just accept it and feel bad about yourself though. I also grew up in an undemonstrative household and gravitated to a similar partner, then spent many years feeling bad for being "too needy". Now I am with someone who delights in expressing his affection for me and I do as well.

Have you asked him if he loves you? I ignored my boyfriend saying he didn't love me (or not making any declarations of love) because he was so good in other aspects and acted like he did. And I too thought "love language". It ended prematurely because of an unusual situation, but I think he would have - had things been easier - kept it going. But in hindsight apart from the early months when he was so apparently smitten, I was clearly much more invested. He gave nothing away, I didn't know him intimately at all, and it's difficult to progress a relationship without that. Your partner might just be private, but so much resonates. In my situation it was that he was avoidant, a fairweather boyfriend etc. I think you need to see how he plays out when you need him, and there's some conflict. Not saying LTB but be conscious that it's hard for relationships to progress without some vulnerabilities on both side - however much you like them.

I just love kisses and cuddles and being held - I’m so lucky my Dp is like this as I felt starved in my last relationship. Our love languages are the same - mixture of doing things for each other, talking about our feelings and a lot of physical contact and intimacy. I think without this I wouldn’t be happy. How does he respond when you hold his hand or tell him you love him? I think after a while this will chip away at you. You are not needy but need more emotional and physical love than he can give.

He is very affectionate and constantly seeking huge, cuddles, hand holds etc. a real gentleman. If I tell him I love him he will respond with ‘love you too’, but to be very honest, I’m reluctant to tell him as much as I’d like to as I feel I’m almost forcing him to say it in response. I understand that because we don’t live together we still don’t have that deep bond that comes from knowing someone completely. His previous relationship was very painful and I don’t know whether he just wants to tread carefully or else simply isn’t as invested as I am. Some of your replies about being avoidant strike a chord. I appreciate you all taking the time to reply - helps me realize I’m perhaps not just looking for fault.

Neither of you are wrong as such and you're probably both good loving people but could possibly be incompatible. It's hard for people to significantly change who they are and they shouldn't have to. But it is possible to make small compromises to maintain an otherwise good relationship as no one is perfect. It is about if the good outweighs the bad and how much your differences rub we each other up the wrong way in the long term. It's a tricky one.

Language, verbalisations and communication are extremely important to me too OP- a core part of who I am and I couldn't be with someone like your partner, however good a person they were. Doesn't mean they're not good enough for me, just not right.

Oh I feel awful for saying this, as mine, was perhaps a fluke and maybe your man is nice. But the thing that was 'wrong' (and I know exactly what you mean, although it's difficult to verbalise) was not a sign he was a good person. He was, to put it bluntly, cold and unsupportive. My gut instincts which I had been suppressing were right. Make sure your relationship is 50/50. Make sure you're not the one making all the compromises. Make sure he loves you. That should clear things up for you.

Well you might now know why he is single. If you are finding it is a struggle/you wish things were different, other women probably did too and left.