DSD22 sad and lonely

[ElizabethVonArnim]

DSD is an absolute delight. She's 22 and doing a masters at a uni at the other end of the country from me and her dad. Her mum died when she was 7 years old.

Her final year of undergraduate degree was brilliant - great house share with friends, rewarding work, everything going well. This year, the work's still going fine but the vast majority of her friends have left the town for jobs in London or back in their hometowns so she's lonely and not having nearly as much fun.

She's relatively proactive in sorting out weekend trips and so on, and we're going up to visit her for the bank holiday weekend (her terms are different now for postgrad so she's not coming home for the Easter vacation) and we are FaceTiming every day at the moment.

Can I please just have some advice from mums of young adults? What would you if your DD was feeling this way? What would be the small or the big things that would help them to feel better? I love her, but I'm aware that I'm not her mum - she misses her mum particularly when she feels this way and I don't want to be clumsy and make her feel worse.

Has she actually told you that she is sad and lonely, or is that your interpretation now her fiends have moved on. She will probably connect with new ones and she will have other post grads to chat to during the working day.
It's just a part of growing up, the work starts, things are more serious until the weekend. She will adapt and be fine, no need to go overboard. Her mates won't be having as much fun since they got jobs either, that's life, uni days are the best, bur it doesn't last forever, same for everyone.

It's difficult for us mums (including step mums) when our DC aren't happy ALL the time. But feeling lonely sometimes is part of the human condition and your DSD needs to learn to cope with it. And she seems to be doing just that.

Have a great visit with her and try to stop stressing. Let her be a grown up.

I would continue doing what you’re doing. Definitely don’t leave her to it as suggested above. Being lonely sometimes is normal and you can explain that to her, but you can still be there. Tell her this can be a difficult time in many young people’s lives (the mental health stats bear that out), but that she will get through it. She will get a job and she will find her feet.
when you see her, give her a massive hug and tell her you couldn’t love her more than if she was your own flesh and blood. She will always miss her mum but you can be a great support and show so much love

Take a step back, my own mother wouldn't have known if I was lonely at 22 as I had been working full time for over 4 years and was living with my partner.
Facetime didn't exist and every day seems excessive, it could be holding her back from pursuing other avenues if she is relying on a daily call with you rather than say going to a class or hobby to meet people.
Just be aware you don't need to plug every gap in her life from here to eternity, you won't be doing her any favours in the long run.

This is all really interesting! To answer a couple of questions, yes, she's told us that she is feeling sad and that she is quite lonely. I get that it is part of life, but it is bloody miserable when you're in the thick of it.

With regard to the daily FaceTime, that's relatively new and linked to her current low mood. Previously it has been more like once a week, but she's been calling us each evening this week. We said yesterday that she didn't have to call every day if she didn't want to, but she does want to at the moment. I don't jump in on every call - she has time talking just to her dad, mostly about cars, which I'm glad to step back from.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It is good to see that people don't feel that we ought to be dropping everything and swooping to the rescue immediately. I just always doubt my own instincts - I don't have the confidence that (I assume) comes from knowing your kids from day 1 and always being their go-to person. I sometimes worry I hang back too much and that a real mum would step in and know just how to make things better.

Try not to worry too much. You sound like you're doing a really great job supporting your DSD.

I have a teen DS and two adult DSS. I met them when they were young teens and their mum had died about 5yrs before that and my DH to be was coping as a single dad and working f/t.

Our teen DS is struggling at the moment with friendships and loneliness and honestly, I have no magic wand just because I gave birth to him.

All the lads are wonderful and different and you muddle through as best you can whether they're your own or bounced into your life at a later date.

Your sound like a very caring step mum OP. I don't agree with leaving her to it. If you had an adult friend or older relative who was lonely, what would you do to help?
Probably you'd be in touch more often, maybe send them texts or funny photos during the day so they feel that someone is thinking of them. It will undoubtedly pass over the coming months, but as a temporary measure I think it would help if you just made contact regularly, little but often and maybe made plans for meeting up so she has something to look forward to.
Good luck and I hope she feels better soon.

I have no advice but you sound like you are a very caring and kind step mum ( I actually hate that term) and I’m sure she feels lucky to have you xxx

I was also on and off lonely in my early twenties ( in the 90s, I wouldn't have dreamed of telling my parents but it was different times so no criticism of her confiding in you )and looking back pushing through that and putting myself out there to develop new relationships developed me enormously and helped shape me as a proper independent grown up so I agree with the posters above that it's part and parcel of the the human condition and that it can be a blessing in disguise so to speak. Everyone moves on after uni, and she's got to move on too.and carve a fullfiied life out fo herself. I would say it took me until.30 to get there but we are all on our own journey....Best wishes to her...