How much computer gaming is too much?

[AnnieG1986]

People with spouses or live in partners. Roughly how many hours per day / week does your other half spend playing computer games online? My DH (39) has always gamed a lot but is starting to go through a particularly intense phase - flying virtual planes and shooting aliens. No DC, childfree by choice.

My calm attempts at rational and tactful conversation suggesting he might consider moderating his hours and varying his routine results in him deeming me judgmental and comparing gaming to reading books. I'm obviously glad he has a hobby that makes him happy but it feels a bit off.

Both DH and I game, sometimes together but mainly not.

Thing is we still do lots of hiking together, going out for lunch, board games, Netflix and crosswords together.

I play a game that’s been out for a decade and has peaks and troughs with seasons. New DLC out ? I will be playing loads that first couple of weeks. Summer time, will be outside hiking. So it fluctuates.

Describe to me how many hours you each do your hobbies for if it’s similar then that’s fine. I do find the judgement towards gaming really annoying,

If he is however totally ignoring you every day and is on morning, noon and night then that’s unacceptable.

As someone who games I somtimes go through intense phases where I've bought a new game or an old game has updated and for several weeks, 50-75% of my down time could be spent on it.

Most recently I bought baulders gate 3 and I'd say...4 or 5 days a week my evenings were fully spent on it until completion. It's taken me at least 6 weeks.

Outwith those periods of time I maybe have a couple of evenings per week dedicated to gaming (...and another couple binging something on tv, but i guess that's potentially more social)

But I'm single atm so I can do as I please.
As part of a partnership you need to take a partner into consideration though. If it were me I'd want maybe 3 or 4 evenings to spend with a partner and the rest, we both do our own thing. But some people might need more or less time than that together. He should be thinking about your needs too.

Rather than criticising gaming, how about saying 'I love that you have something you love doing, but I'm feeling a little lonely. Do you think we can set asside x days per week where we hang out, just us, no gaming? Does that seem like a fair amount of time to you?'

As pp said, if he's gaming all day every day and ignoring you then that's just not ok.

I struggle to be objective about this because one of the reasons I'm no longer with Ex is they'd whinge and moan endlessly about me playing online games and only socialising once a week, while their idea of productive leisure time was to slob in front of mindless TV drivel seven nights a week and moan and complain about my excessive socialising.

Yet another reason why I deliberately do not live with my current partner. I won't have someone trying to dictate to me how I spend my downtime or police me with time constraints etc.

There's no right or wrong because it's a personal point of view. Your DH probably thinks he's being perfectly reasonable, but so do you, so neither of you can realistically expect the other to accept the other's personal barometer of what is acceptable or "too much". If it's that much of an issue for you then you can always end the relationship, but just be aware that some people will take the same view I did, and leave someone who constantly tries to police them.

My partner games sometimes. On a typical week maybe 5 hours. If a new game is out or he’s gaming with our son or isn’t working, it could be 15 hours a week, but then there are times he doesn’t game at all for weeks.

He does his share of stuff around the house, will do anything for me and the kids and we spend time together so I don’t care how much he games around those things. If those things were lacking because of gaming, I’d expect him to game or do any other hobby less.

I spend a lot of time on my hobbies, more than him most weeks.

Is it gaming in particular that’s bothering you or would it still feel ‘off’ if he was reading or doing sport instead? Do you have hobbies? Do you spend time together?

No DC, childfree by choice.

Then it's entirely based on what you both want. Don't judge the hobby, because cycling or cricket are dreadful too. Judge if you spend enough time together.

This.

How much time do you spend reading books @AnnieG1986 ? Is that comparable to how much time he spends gaming?

Do you get to send ANY leisure time together?

A hobby is a hobby, the time spent doing the hobby is irrelevant if both parties have similar time dedicated to their hobby and spend time doing things together.

We both play but I probably play 3-4 times more than him on average. As long as everything is getting done around the house and other social engagements are not being blown off for gaming then crack on tbh.

I've spent an entire day on a brand new exiting game, but I've also blown through an entire book in a day because it was so gripping, or binge watched an entire TV series. I really don't see gaming as being any better or worse than any other entertainment option.

We do make a point of communication about it though - if one of us says "hey can we spend some quality time together this evening" then whoever is playing will stop - or we'll break out a two player game and play together.

I enjoy gaming and sometimes I will go through an intense phase like this.

Is he neglecting other aspects of his life?

If not, then the fact that it's gaming rather than reading or watching TV shouldn't in itself cause a problem for you.

It sounds like you might be being a bit judgemental about gaming as a hobby (why can't he compare it to reading? It's just another downtime activity). If he were reading instead would it bother you?

He should be able to spend his downtime how he likes as long as he's not neglecting your relationship or other commitments.

This. It's not the hobby that's the issue, it's the spending time together.

My ex gamed a lot. I never had issue with the gaming as such. I had issues that he would literally rather do anything than spend time with me.

Do you want him to vary his routine because he's not spending enough time with you or is it just that he's gaming? We both play games but usually together- dh plays online with his friend on Sunday nights but I'm happy going off then to have a face pack and watch some rubbish TV

Like everyone else has said, it's not about the gaming or whatever hobby it would be. Is he making you feel like he also wants to spend time together with you? Or is his mind on the gaming all the time?