Support me with DV case

[Knockon]

My very good friend has confided in me that she has been the victim of DV throughout her long term relationship of around 5 years. I knew the partner reasonably well as obviously they lived together, and we had them round to stay a few times (we live about 90min drive from one another). Whilst they are not exactly compatible on paper (quite different upbringing, political and social viewpoints, ambition and professional direction to name a few), they always seemed like a nice couple. Anyway, she told me at the weekend that he had spent the majority of their relationship lying, cheating, and generally being emotionally and physically abusive.

I’ve started this post as I want to know how I can support her? She has gone to the police to make a statement but has said she doesn’t have any evidence as she deleted a lot of it under duress or promises of behavioural change. She seems to be fixing on the fact that he is now already with another woman (whom he cheated on her last with) and seemingly is being a “better” partner with the new than he ever was with her. This seems like typically expected behaviour on my part, but she is clearly still hugely (and understandably) lost from what her relationship could/should have been and its reality.

I have already linked the freedom programme to her, and really advised her to look at it to help her moving forward. She already is under the care of a mental services team and has told her doctors so hopefully she can access therapy there.. but what else can I do?

And what do I do about my feelings? I know it is a bit mad, but I am reeling from this news as I didn’t suspect DV. I thought he had form for being overbearing and somewhat quick to anger, but put that down to his upbringing and general lack of emotional intelligence. I also felt that he wasn’t the “best” choice for my friend but if she was happy then that is all that mattered. But now I can’t quite process (still) this change of status of their relationship, or of their persons. I also feel quite angry. Angry that this was happening and I didn’t recognise the signs, that it happened in the first place! Angry that my friend let me believe she was happy (?!) and that he and I forged a relationship that was based on lies… I feel sad that she endured the abuse for so long. I feel many things and I can’t even verbalise them. All i want to shout is WHY DIDNT YOU LEAVE HIM! They had no ties! No children or property. And the more she tells me the more i have to swallow down a scream as i realise that she took him back more than once after each horrible crescendo episode and she is only now free when she should have been free years ago.

i dont really know what to think and im struggling to verbalise it to myself to help me process it, so would welcome some thoughts on how I can deal with this news too? Minor in comparison i know but its devastating news

Bump for morning crowd

You need to make it clear to her that you’re ALWAYS there for her. As you’ve already done, signpost her to people who can help her. You’re obviously a really good friend.

Meanwhile, you need to address your feelings on the matter.

Don’t ever berate her for not leaving sooner. EVER.

There are some very complex feelings and mindsets when you’re in an abusive relationship, and unless you’ve been through it, you really don’t know.

Every relationship is different. Stuff goes on behind closed doors. It doesn’t matter where you are on the social or economic scale, it still happens.

I believe the average number of attempts to exit an abusive relationship is seven.

Be thankful that she got out when she did, and be ready to give her support.

It's really hard to follow the mindset of an abuse victim. For someone who asn't been there, it's almost impossible to imagine how someone can keep going back to someone who puts them through hell. But that's reality.
The best thing to do as a friend is make sure she can always rely on you to have her back, no matter how many times she went back (or may still go back in the future - let's hope none!).

You seem to have jumped into savior mode and are trying to help her with everything you can think of. While that's admirable, it's also clear that you're having a hard time processing all the emotions you're feeling, which I can truly imagine. It wouldn't be a bad idea to take a step back now and then and make sure you have other things going on in your life, places where you can forget about all the injustice in the world and don't have to worry about your friend, to balance out how eagerly you're trying to be there for her.