Torn with the dating apps

[Icecreamandjelly]

Hi everyone

I’ve been single for 18 months now and for a lot of it, it’s been good for me as I’ve needed to process heartbreak from my previous relationship.

However, I’ve been trying the apps off and on (Bumble, Hinge and Match) and I’ve noticed a pattern where I feel happier when I’m not on them, as I find myself becoming addicted swiping and swiping and it all feels so empty…just a few photos and some text. I’m at the point where I feel disconnected from it all and I don’t think I’m enjoying it.

I think I might have made some sort of connection with someone and then it becomes clear that they want something casual or there’s some sort of red flag.

I feel like I’m a good catch but I just struggle to find someone I like physically and can get a connection with, who isn’t some sort of a player or ‘damaged’ from a previous relationship. I’m enjoying my single time in some respects but I do worry that I’m never going to meet anyone through OLD and keep thinking that I’m 39 and that all the good men are gone.

I’m feeling quite down about it all. I want to come off the apps like I did in the past (and felt better as it was feeling hopeless) but I go through a push pull cycle where I think if I do not stay on them, I’ll never meet anyone. No one ever approaches me in real life (although I get admiring glances) it just all seems to be on the apps these days.

Does anyone have any success stories on OLD. Should I come off the apps? I’m genuinely torn. Has anyone had similar experiences of feeling the highs and lows of the apps? Has anyone tried like me and the eventually found someone?

Op I'm 55 and having the same problem. Now decided to stay single....at least I don't have to put up with weird people

@shellyleppard I hate the highs and lows - I think they are designed to be addictive. You get a match…a bit of a rush and then a low. I just want to hear of some positive stories of people meeting someone after a lot of disappointment and trudging through so to speak. I don’t want to give up hope yet but I think I need another break from OLD.

I have never OLD but have friends who have, this was when they were in their forties. Would say the results were varied. One remarried but her new husband is a massive cunt, even DH didn’t like him and he is so chilled out as to be horizontal. That decade long friendship ended. One other that remarried has now divorced again though they are on good terms and the third seems very happy. In my opinion all these women were too good for these men. Two of them had children already that were at least teenagers and the other in late forties knew it was too late to have children.

I think that’s the thing it depends very much at what stage of life you are at as to how much shite your prepared to wade through

OP, I'm sure someone is in the process of suing the parent company of Tinder (amongst other dating apps and sites), claiming that they are meant to be addictive to keep you on them (and paying).

I can't remember whether it's in one of her books or articles, but Dolly Alderton compares OLD to completing levels on computer games for men. Level one - match, level two - score a date etc etc until they feel like they've 'won' the game.

You might find some successful stories but the reality is that you are facing single men primarily looking for casual sex on OLD. Are you resilient enough to weed through them? Do you have the time and effort and mental strength to do it? What else are you doing to meet people? I just don’t think that you can change the dating landscape no matter what others say.
I and my single friends have given up. And no we haven’t met anyone in real life, either. But we are at peace because we don’t have to deal with other men whose wives have left them for obvious reasons.

I met my partner on Tinder!

He had red flags though. But so did I. I think you won't find anybody "perfect" because nobody is.

That's not to say, of course, you should settle for someone that makes you unhappy. Just be realistic about your deal breakers and give people a chance.

I know it is bloody hard tho. And you sound like a lovely person. Good luck! I hope you find the love you deserve.

I hated them, it felt very shallow but also it was soul destroying. I came across so much shit from seemingly normal men (dick pics, wanking videos, offered money for sex). Made me question myself and question whether there were any decent men left. Hint: there are but most aren't on apps.

I stopped using them about 3 years ago. I do download and have a swipe every so often but end up deleting them almost straight away.

I'd much rather take my chance in meeting one in the wild (so to speak) and the actual "does he like me" guessing game can be fun.

Lots of people have formed successful relationships and unsuccessful relationships using OLD. Lots of people have formed successful relationships and unsuccessful relationships via other means.

People who stick with stuff that makes them feel bad and look to strangers for stories to validate them are less likely to find successful relationships than those who walk away from things that don't feel good, to them.

If you don't like how it feels, leave it behind. There are plenty of other ways to meet a partner. Why not try one of those?

I only know 2 people who used Match and one met her now husband - solvent and sane, a bit dull for my taste but she loves him. The other met a gorgeous looking intelligent and funny man who’s really in to her, they’ve just moved in together. Both couples mid fifties.
I’ve just met my someone in real life - at work, we’re very into each other and it’s wonderful.

The negative effects on mental health of OLD are widely documented - and you’ve rightly flagged some of them. Social media scrolling is quite similar.

If you find yourself happier not being on them, just come off. Do what makes you happy.

I felt so liberated once I’d taken the decision to be done with them and deleted them. Massive massive improvement in well-being.

You may worry about never meeting anyone, but happy people attract people.

You say you get admiring glances. Don’t wait for men to come and approach you - I’ve been told time and time again in this day and age it’s not politically ok anymore - go talk to people. It doesn’t have to be a ‘hello, are you single?’ I don’t know, ask for directions or talk about the event that you’re both at.