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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive child’s father

4 replies

AmberDreamer · 20/03/2024 21:49

I’m sorry if this is a long post and please be gentle it’s my first time posting anything like this.

I split up with my little girls dad around 6 years ago when she was 2. I have always been the main parent and he most often saw her on a day over the weekend and occasionally in the week if he asked. I have always been flexible with him whenever he has asked to see her. Her dad has always had a very short temper and anger problems he was violent to me in the relationship but in fact I’ve never told anybody about it. Things started to get worse last year, he has done something things I’m sure many people would find shocking. It began when he was involved in a road rage incident and strangled someone in front of my daughter. He told her after the incident if she told me I wouldn’t ever let her go in the car with him again. She didn’t tell me for weeks and then broke down told and told me everything. Since then she is petrified in the car he beeped at someone some weeks later and my daughter had a melt down which made him angry and he said he wasn’t going to see her again. He then asked to take her away on holiday for a few days. I agreed as she was excited to go but we have never been apart for that long and he was letting her stay up till 3am.. so on the 2nd night there she was on the phone to me really upset saying she missed me and wanted to come home. This made him angry and he was threatening to drive her home at midnight 3 hours away which petrified me. Towards the end of last year he began having an affair, he was taking my daughter to meet the girl he was having an affair with and telling her not to tell me or his girlfriend at the time. This has really destroyed my daughter and eventually she told me and her. He is now with the new gf and it seems to have made things worse a few weeks ago he made the decision he wasn’t going to see our daughter anymore so each weekend I was making excuses for him as I don’t want her to be anymore emotionally damaged. He has also got an ongoing assault charge and has had a recent osman order against him. To be honest I was quiet relived as I am so scared of the emotional damage he is doing to her she has started to lie to me and has been having dreams about him throwing me into a cellar and taping my mouth shut. He called one day this week out of the blue and asked to speak to my daughter he asked to take her for tea in the next 10 mins. I said ohh that won’t be possible tonight you’ve got brownies in an hour. He said to her tell mommy to mind her own business. I took the phone from her and was then faced with a barrage of abuse calling me a scumbag and c* my daughter was so upset and ran in the other room crying, I decided to make the decision to block his number as I knew abuse would follow. But I don’t know what to do now my head is in a mess, I’m scared I will be in trouble for blocking his number. I’m scared if this ends up in court he will end up having more contact and damaging her more. I’m looking for advice of what I can do next. I’m sorry this is so long

OP posts:
Underestimated4 · 20/03/2024 22:08

You need to gather as much evidence of this as possible, you’re likely to need to probe domestic abuse if it went to court so any pictures, threats, it’s worth getting some support from a domestic abuse team also.
I have been in your position and it was so scary the final straw was my daughter made allegations of physical assault again her, I stopped contact, we went to court and I was so scared. It was the best thing in the long run but it’s scary but you need to protect her.

TwylaSands · 20/03/2024 22:15

As above. Communicate only by email. Dont speak to him. Gather evidence. Let him take you to court. Get your daughter into counselling.

AmberDreamer · 20/03/2024 22:15

Underestimated4 · 20/03/2024 22:08

You need to gather as much evidence of this as possible, you’re likely to need to probe domestic abuse if it went to court so any pictures, threats, it’s worth getting some support from a domestic abuse team also.
I have been in your position and it was so scary the final straw was my daughter made allegations of physical assault again her, I stopped contact, we went to court and I was so scared. It was the best thing in the long run but it’s scary but you need to protect her.

I’ve never been so scared in my life. He is ruining my life. Can I ask what happened with you at court ? I’ve never been involved with a solicitor or anything. Will I be in trouble for blocking contact? Thanks so much for getting back to me I’m glad you’re on the other side

OP posts:
Underestimated4 · 21/03/2024 14:58

AmberDreamer · 20/03/2024 22:15

I’ve never been so scared in my life. He is ruining my life. Can I ask what happened with you at court ? I’ve never been involved with a solicitor or anything. Will I be in trouble for blocking contact? Thanks so much for getting back to me I’m glad you’re on the other side

You won’t be in trouble but you need to be able to constantly go with that child focused view of it was harmful for you and her to have direct contact.
Court was 3 years long, i informed them of domestic abuse and it went to a fact finding which I was cross examined. I couldn’t prove his abuse to my daughter but with significant number of dates/times/threats in text domestic abuse was proven. He was made to have a psychological assessment and off the back of that therapy; after 3 years he was given contact back, it’s been a hard ride and affected me greatly but it did get better and court was for the best.
All solicitors offer 30mins free advice id ring and ask for some.

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