Feeling like you don’t know who you are after an abusive relationship.

[Rainbow03]

Has anyone else been like this, realising you’ve lived someone else’s life for so long you’ve forgotten who you are?

Its been 5 year since I left and I’m just realising that he took away my identity. My dreams became his. He actually got me to write down one time my dreams as I was becoming lost. I found the piece a few days ago. My dream was big house, 2 kids and a dream car…..that is not me at all. I was so so arty and quirky and airy when I met him, he mirrored this but in that decade I got completely lost in his dream which was to look and be the best and show off.

Its crazy how he got me to align myself with him. God I’m so glad I left and now trying to find the me in my identity.

Hi there… I had my identity removed in a slightly different way but I know what you mean. I was portrayed as someone I was not, and after a while I began to believe I was that quite awful person, at least in some large measure. I also lost loads and loads of confidence in myself and I can now see that was a result of being minimised and portrayed as completely unimportant (except as some kind of fearsome dictator who controlled everything, which was ironic as I was being covertly controlled without my knowledge), having my feelings invalidated all the time, being lied to so that I could not trust what I was told, having my achievements ignored so I felt that I was worthless. After the relationship ended that I began to understand what had happened, and feel the results of this treatment. One thing was that I would get distressed when people (especially men) used my name a lot. I realised I had only ever heard my name from my ex when he was demeaning me. I also couldn’t tell the difference between sympathy and anger. I’ve recovered (a bit) since then, rebuilding my confidence etc, learning that people do honestly care for me, and that I didn’t deserve to be lied to. It sounds like your ex was also a manipulative controller (probably a narcissist) who broke your identity down in order to take what he needed from you in the form of support, labour, validation etc… I’m glad you’re free of it and finally feeling better but I think it takes a really long time. Good luck 💐

That resonates with me. I was with my abusive ex for 23 years and left 5 years ago. Looking back, I was a completely different person then. I dressed how he wanted me to dress, went along with all his grandiose bullshit and rarely challenged as it just wasn't worth the rages and the fallout.

The only place where I felt like I could be myself at work and I always used to say I had a work persona and a home persona, thinking me at home was the real one. With hindsight, it was my work persona that was more aligned with who I am as a person whereas I was a shadow of myself (and a shadow of him) at home.

It took me 3 years to align my personas to just being me. I suspect that was because the divorce took 2 years and was acrimonious so I only really started relaxing in the third year. I'm now 5 years down the line and I've noticed that my style has started to change. Out with the preppy look that he so liked and I'm now wearing much more bright colours and a bit more of a relaxed look.

It's the same with interior decor - I was always told I had no idea about what looks good in a house and so I've never trusted myself. Turns out I am not too bad and my style is the complete opposite of how he liked it.

I'm loving getting my confidence back. The fact that I'm turning 50 and in menopause probably has something to do with it as well. I'm no longer a quiet mouse trying to be invisible but a bright, bolshy force to be reckoned with and I love it!

Well done for leaving and enjoy living your life how you want it!

@Shimmerpowder oh yes I was also coerced to be submissive, to ignore my own wants and feelings. My self esteem was non existent it’s awful!

@Rainbow03 It takes a really long time to recover and it’s not linear. You can be triggered back to a bad place sometimes. But in my experience, I stay in the bad place for less time. I’m still getting divorced though, so I’m not free yet… I hope you go on rebuilding and restoring yourself. It’s recovering from trauma, so it’s a long term thing.

Very true - I have certain things that trigger me like raised voices and the front door key going into the door late at night (if my DH / DD have been out). Logically I know I'm safe but my body reacts as though I'm in great danger.

Ex used to scream and shout all the time and we all walked on eggshells waiting for the next outburst. He also used to come home all hours and I never knew how he would be as he was an alcoholic and would sometimes come home in a blind drunk wanting either to scream and shout at me over some perceived slight or have me perform various sex acts for him.

Day to day, however, I feel calm and at peace most of the time. I just wish I'd felt able to earlier so that my children was less impacted by it.

I don't think I'll ever be fully over it as the experience has changed me as a person. I'm a lot less trusting and generally don't have a high opinion of men (however much I love my DH and DS). Still, we are now free to shape our lives in a way that seemed a pipedream in the past.

I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about it yet, as I'm only just (as in weeks) out of it.
But I've never resonated with something so much in my life.

The police and other professionals are helping me and hopefully in time, I'll find myself again. I hope so. I really hope so.

Just know you're not alone OP.

@HellWitYa You are also not alone. It will take time and I’m glad you’re getting some help. Being seen, heard and believed is so vital. A friend or two had to go when they didn’t get it and ended up retraumatising me. The friends who helped a lot said: ‘I hear you and believe you.’ The relief was enormous. But those of us who’ve had experience of intense psychological abuse know what it’s like. Sending you lots of love for the process. It’s like getting out a bad car crash: you walk away in shock and then in grief before you can begin to be grateful you’re alive.

@HellWitYa im 5 years out and only realising and being able to look into it now because of the trauma.