My low libido is ruining my relationship

[Mish109]

Good morning. I just wanted to ask for some advice, as I don't know what to do anymore.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and we have two beautiful children. We have been through a lot during these years. We met quite young—I was 16, and he was 19. We had our son when I was 18. I know it wasn't an ideal situation, but we got through it.
The only issue is that I do struggle with depression and anxiety. The depression comes and goes. This past year, I lost three close family members. Then, my daughter was poorly at Christmas and had to have surgery. Then, my dad had a cancer scare in January this year. And then lately, we have had a little bit of money concerns. We are fine, just going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Sadly, I have gotten into a bit of a dark place once again, as everything has been overwhelming.
This past year, my libido has completely disappeared because of everything that has happened. I just have no desire for sex.
My husband keeps initiating it, but I say I'm tired or not in the mood. He then gets angry, goes downstairs, plays games on his computer, and ignores me.
We got into a fight last night. He said, "I think you don't love me anymore. You're not sexually attracted to me anymore." But that's not true. I love him dearly and find him very attractive. I'm just not in the mood for sex. I do things for him, but apparently, that's not enough or doesn't show him love. He said we might as well be friends, which is hard to hear.
I told him my depression causes me to have no desire to have sex or do anything. He then said, "But what about my feelings? You should be intimate with me." Like it doesn't matter?
I feel like he's not listening to me. I can't just switch my emotions off or force myself to want to do it. It's really not that simple. I told him this, but he still said, "But what about my feelings as well?" That's always his response.

In the past, I forced myself to have sex every day to the point where I started crying in the bathroom for a good hour afterward because I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to make him happy, but I can't do that anymore. It's making me feel worse.

I do love him to bits and don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do anymore.

I know some people will ask this, I have seeked help, I have done therapy, anti depressants tried them all don't seem to work for me but make me extremely tired. I know I will get out of this funk just takes time.

Sorry bit of an essay, any advice would be much appreciated x

Maybe if you get rid of your sex pest of a husband your depression might disappear?

There are so many red flags in yout post above OP.

Your needs are also important. It's about striking a balance. He needs to shift his expectations. You might need to help him go to that. And you can't, if you only value his needs.

Yoy poor thing. You’ve been through so much recently and it’s quite natural that these things will affect your libido.

You should NOT be having sec then crying for an hour, that’s such an awful thing to happen. Your H needs to be patient and more importantly listen to you and what you want. At the moment he’s behaving terribly and he should be ashamed of himself.

Your husband is not the nice person you think he is. After all you've been through, someone who cares about you would give you time to feel ready for sex. He is a sex pest and doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own. Sorry you're going through this on top of everything else.

Sounds like my ex. As he didn't support me through adverse life events although I still wanted to have sex with him I couldn't throughout the last half year, then I left as it puts up a barrier.

Sorry about your losses. Is he gentle when he initiates it? If at all possible try to speak to him about how you need more support in other ways to feel bonded and be able to relax

I will add I think most women (and men!) go though periods of time when they have low libido. When my mum and dad died very close together and I had an illness, my dh never bothered me once, in fact he’d reassure me that it was all ok, and I wasn’t to worry about the fact we weren’t having sex.

In a long relationship you have ebbs and flows and your partner should be supporting you, not harassing you .

I suspect HE is more the source of your depression, above and beyond the other things you listed.

Crying for an hour is a sign that you are in quite extreme distress.
Living with someone who has no empathy for you will do that to a person.

You are not a blow up sex doll, you are a flesh and blood human being whose feelings matter.

What is your gut saying about this situation?

Have you been listening to your gut, or simply overriding and dismissing your needs and feelings?

In the past, I forced myself to have sex every day to the point where I started crying in the bathroom for a good hour afterward because I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to make him happy, but I can't do that anymore. It's making me feel worse. - you forced yourself to have sex every day! This is not part of normal loving relationships.

Listen to the objective voices on here. You met this man when you were very young - you have nothing to judge him against; or to judge what is normal or not.

He is not a good husband to you. Demanding daily sex when you do not want to is just plain wrong. No wonder your libido has died the death!

Objectively, I think most of us can see that your relationship isn't a healthy one.

This can be really hard to hear, and even harder to digest, so I'd like to ask you 2 questions:

Would you want sex with your husband if he has told you he didn't want it? So you'd know he wasn't enjoying, he was merely suffering through it for you.

If your friend told you she was having sex she didn't want then crying afterwards, what would you think of her partner and what would you say to her?

I agree sex is an important part of a healthy relationship - but it's just one part.
It's also the part that easily effected by stress, sadness, illness, tiredness and a million other things. A good relationship can withstand that for a period of time, and a decent partner would understand and not be an arse about it.

Agree with PP - your anxiety and depression will have been seriously worsened by the fact you were forcing yourself to have daily sex with someone despite it being so distressing for you that you cried for an hour afterwards. Having sex you don’t want will kill your libido and destroy your mental health.

It’s a small age gap but I slightly question a 19 yo dating a 16 yo. It sounds like he has always expected to dominate you and get his own way. Would you still be together if you hadn’t been pregnant at 18, I wonder?

The fact is you’ve been through a hell of a lot and he is clearly used to bullying you for sex without giving any thought to your needs. That is a bad sign. You will remain anxious and depressed while he continues to behave in that abusive way. He either needs to change or you may need to look at ending the relationship.