Just lost a parent boyfriend being cold and cruel

[Justanotherusername27]

Long one, hand hold and advice needed please. I don’t want to put too many identifying features on here so it might be a bit vague. I’ve just lost one of my parents, suddenly, in awful circumstances. We were very close and my soul is being ripped to shreds, my family are in pieces and devastated.

DP was being great, doing everything he could, couldn’t fault him until he was drunk the other day and being an arse and I told him off for it. I said how can you speak to me like this when I’ve just lost ….. His persona changed, was nasty and cruel, said I was weaponising my dead parent to win an argument. This upset me to a point I told him to leave and he drove to his mums over the limit. I told his mum to check he got there safely and he obviously was angry about that. He was an absolute arsehole that night. I’m not going to pretend that I wasn’t but I was trying not to be whilst at home crying with our baby.

Everytime I have brought this up he becomes defensive and cruel and cold. the argument ended a few days ago with no real resolution except promises that he insincerely makes and he thinks his behaviour is justified. Since then he has been surface level okay with me but when I’m upset about my loss I feel I’m inconveniencing him and I can feel his frustration. He will make the right noises and give me a hug but it’s like I can feel him sigh inward. He’s just cold with me and obviously has it in his head I’m something negative which I’m not.

He becomes like this every so often and it happens for a few days then he becomes a good boyfriend again . It’s bothered me for ages, it got worse when I was pregnant but there’s always a promise of change but they quickly fall apart. I cannot deal with him now being like this. I need support and compassion not for him to be moody and cruel.

He will be all over our son and then be barely tolerant of me. I can hear him having a laugh with his work colleagues whilst I’m sat in another room worrying and crying. He will be everyone’s best friend then act like I’m being unreasonable for being upset that he’s ‘tolerant’ of me. I know everyone is going to say leave and they’re right but I have nowhere to go now.

I can’t go to my parents house. It’s too painful being there and my remaining parent is staying with my sibling whose house isn’t big enough for more. I also don’t want to put this on them as they are hurting enough. I don’t want to be in this house alone and I need someone to hold me when I cry. I don’t want to tell my friends because everyone will hate him and I don’t want to stay with them.

I don’t even know if I want to break up or if maybe I’m reading too much into it I just want him to revert back and apologise for what a dick he has been. Which he won’t so I want some space to think and for him to see what he has done and then plan my next move.

He just left for work. Gave a gushing goodbye to the baby then kissed me on my cheek when he thought I was sleeping sighed ‘bye love you bye’ then walked out. Usually says ring me if you need me, hope you’re okay today etc. His heart isn’t in it right now. He woke the baby as he left and I just thought I don’t have the tolerance to worry about losing my parent and this right now.

He isn’t being nasty but he is giving the bare minimum since we argued and there’s nothing I can really call him out on and he would be able to defend himself because he’s ‘supporting me’. Despite falling asleep as I was crying last night, but he ‘hugged me’ so what’s my problem? (This is what he will say). He’s basically sulking at me and I usually would ignore it until he comes round and realises what a child he is being but I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with it now.

I am not in the right mindset to leave and if I tell him to he will a bigger arsehole for ‘kicking him out’ of our house but living with him is just causing me more upset when I should be focusing on losing my wonderful parent. The part that makes it worse is that this parent would be supporting me and I miss them so much it’s making it worse.

I can’t afford to live on my own, I’m grieving on shit maternity pay and I need company and support. I feel so alone at the worst point of my life. The funeral is next Friday and he’s carrying the coffin and I don’t know if I want him carrying the body of my beloved parent whilst being so cruel to me. But then I’d have to speak to my family to change this and then they will know. I am stuck and alone and lost. 😞😞😞

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your boyfriend sounds like an absolute arse!

Sending huge huge hugs- I can feel from your post how much pain you are in.

i suspect that DH is totally out of his depth emotionally here and instead of asking how he can help, he’s trying to minimise your pain to himself. That’s unforgivable but I don’t think you should do anything rash just now. It’s not always a good idea to make any big life changes while grieving. I’m not saying you should stay with him - he’s being awful when you need him the most - but maybe shelve it for the next couple of weeks.
Have you had any grief counselling? If the funeral hasn’t happened yet I’m assuming this is all very recent and I think you need to think about you and getting yourself through this horrific time.
Xxxxxxx

This is who he is.
He's emotionally abusive.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

I would not want to remember that he took part in my Parent's funeral. You will break up sooner or later. Rip the plaster off. There is Universal Credit for lone parents of very young children. You'll be surprised at the support available.
entitledto.com is a useful start re. finances. He'd have to pay child support too.

He's not just cold now, There's a pattern previously.
Pregnancy and post partum is when these pricks start to take advantage of your vulnerability.

Most definitely, he knows I will struggle to leave him now but he is right. I can barely cope with losing my parent, nevermind this. I would be losing two of the most significant adults in my life in one blow. Even if one of them is a massive wanker.

I'm so sorry for your loss. When you fell out and you told him to leave, did you mean it and expect him to?

This is him showing how he actually deals with stressful situations, rather than putting on a mask of happiness. Showing who he is as a person.

Talk to your family about funeral arrangements and say you would like to carry the coffin. It's totally understandable. You don't need to give a reason why you don't want him to do it, simply that you want to.

After the funeral, I'd suggest seriously looking at your relationship. Don't stay with him simply cause he acts like the perfect boyfriend around everyone else. It's really is not worth it for you.
Similar happened to me and I became a ghost of who I was. yes leaving was stupidly hard and hurt like.hell, but a month later I started to feel a whole lot more myself again.
Reach out to some counseling services to help you through this difficult time too.

If I’m honest I told him to leave to knock into him that he had really hurt me and he had gone too far in what he was saying/doing. I wanted him to go out for a bit and calm down so I could calm down but it just escalated it further.

@RuffledKestrel i think the idea of carrying it is a nice one but I would be sobbing and screaming within a minute of it, it would be too raw and painful. Defo gonna look into councilling.

So sort that you are living through his coldness at the same time as your grief. That’s really hard.

As another poster has said I think he feels out of his depth with how to support you through your grief ( and possibly with other situations too ) and so has withdrawn from offering any support in fear that it’s going to be rejected and told it’s not good enough.

Could you possibly ask him to research helping someone through grief and how o support them. Obviously this has all been a huge shock to you and the rest of your family including your partner and he may not understand the emotions that you are going through right now or that there is no quick fix ( some men like to be able to ‘fix’ emotional issues quickly and move on).

I think that grief can be very isolating too - so many big and changing emotions going on - even when within a relationship as the depth of the feelings that your partner has for the situation will not be as deep as yours.

For you, have you thought about accessing grief counselling? It can help you make sense of all the emotions that are taking up headspace. I’m not sure if the funeral has occurred as yet - but again that can focus a specific point for a lot of grief to come out and some acceptance of the situation. For you it’s also about taking time to live with your new normal, which isn’t going to be the same as it was before, and that hurts for you.

I wouldn’t plan anything drastic for your relationship just at the moment, it’s likely to be too much. You may need to adjust your expectations of his level of support to you, he may just not be able to provide everything that you need from him and it may be friends or other family that can provide some of the things that he isn’t able to do.

Take care and I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment.

I'm sorry for your loss and the argument was clearly upsetting, but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable.

You said he hugged you when you were crying, but you felt it wasn't enough. What did you want him to do?

You said he kissed your cheek as he left when he thought you were sleeping, but then are upset he didn't say call me if you need anything.....but he thought you were asleep so why would he?

You say he's making all the right noises, but you seem to want more? However when you talk to him, you bring up the argument which causes more tension.

I know grief is hard, I lost someone very close in sudden circumstances and I felt very all over the place. But I would consider if you are over analysing his every move, and seeing badness when maybe there is none because you are so upset and emotionally devastated right now?

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel I was hoping someone said this to be fair. I probably am looking a bit too much into it. I think before he was giving me 100% being warm and caring and checking in and loving but now he’s giving me 50% because he’s irritated with me. I probably am looking too much into it and being a bit selfish but I need 100% right now. I’m going to see my friend tonight I think to give us some space.

My ex was like this when I was pregnant. Funnily I was reading this thinking 'I wonder how he was when she was ptegnant' as this is often the turning point when it becomes clear that he just doesn't care about your needs or feelings and supporting you he has no empathy and he doesn't like things not revolving around him.
Thats why your pregnancy and bereavement (times when you really know for sure that you need and deserve kindness and support!) Stand out- possibly the only times you have stood up for yourself .
I'm so sorry for your loss.

All I can say is PLEASE confide in your best friends. They will probably assume you're grieving with family and he's helping you now. Please just message them saying 'this is hard for me to admit as I'm in shock but dp has been really nasty to me, and he's gone to stay with him parents, I'm so upset are you free to talk or come over?'

When I finally told my friends what I'd been going through with my ex (after he left just before baby arrived as I was 'too needy' and selfish that I wanted to talk ahout my feelings) it was such a relief. i had felt so much shame before but when i allowed myself to accept the love and support they wanted to pour on me (which i deserved but he convinced me i didnt - does that sound like you?) i started to heal.

despite him being a stressful aresehole to coparent with i am happier without
him AND i have met a lovely man recently who listens, is kind, interested in my feelings, wants to help me and gives me massages. you do NOT need to stay with this horrible man who is making you miserable xx

I really don't think his feelings about an argument you had are relevant at all right now. Your parent died and you have to psychoanalyse what's going on with him?

Fuck that. Surely he can work out that YOU are going through unimaginable hell and he needs to be thinking about why you might react the way you do? Not his poor hurt feelings.

If you sense he is 'withholding' ( another way of saying punishing you) then I don't think that that is behaviour I could ever forgive in the wake of trauma you are experiencing.

If your pain and grief is irritating to him, then he must leave.

The sad thing is when you think back on this awful time in the future, you'll always remember this. It's a stain on your relationship now. Or ... a clear sign of the type of person he is.

I am so sorry for your pain. Try get through this with the help of people who care and love you (not this prick) and then when you are in a place to think clearly, leave him.

Speaking from experience of dating a similar man I agree with this.

Especially the fact that what's going on in his head becomes both of your primary concern. I agree 'fuck that.'

Counselling will definitely help op

In my anger I didn't express the most important thing.

You come first. Totally and unequivocally and probably for a long while yet. The pain of losing a beloved parent is incomprehensible. My heart breaks for you. You need and deserve 100% support.

Please just focus on that. Stop thinking about him. Maybe go stay with family that you can grieve with even if you just spend the days with them.

My beloved aunt died recently, and spending intensive time with my cousins really mattered to me and was a 'wonderful' time in an otherwise awful time. We just loved and supported each other. I'll treasure that forever.

I don't think him and his attitude are going to help you get through this, and making you question yourself at this time is unforgivable.

Go be with people who love you.

@Justanotherusername27

I think you need to definitely look elsewhere for support emotionally such as like above poster said good bereavement therapy can be free or private pay,
and turn to well known mental support charities such as Mind ect,
they do all sorts of activities in a more Holistic ways such as arts and crafts creative writing ect,
even daytrips,
Mind centre local to me, does Open university taster courses,
at basic level,
goes on daytrips to museums to Skanda Vale centre,

also reach out to good friends too just meeting up in a cafes etc,

Just ensure you look after yourself properly,

As for your partner he sounds like he is out of his depth emotionally therefore can't handle your feelings of grief,
also i think traditionally men are often brought up not knowing how to handle feelings properly,
such as suppressing certain feelings as it can be percieved as weakness,
boys don't cry ect,

I think 🤔 you may have to just accept that what's happened in your life recently, your close family breavement
is really revealing to you, that he is just not cut out for being a long term partner,

which is obviously distressing in itself

I think you know the answer for a while logically

but emotionally obviously it's harder to face up to the fact
that he is not currently partner material...

Tgen I would keep him around for this difficult period but start making plans to cope alone. Observe his unkindness through a lens of 'I know your game, and I'm out'.

Sorry op you're being unreasonable. You're struggling with intense grief and passively lashing out at your partner. Others often don't know what to say or do during times like this.
Give yourself a bit of breathing space.

I think that there have been times I’ve been annoyed unnecessarily but the reason we argued was down to him being drunk, rude and demanding. Initially I didn’t snap at him I just asked him to stop, I don’t think I was lashing out then, I think he was pissed, didn’t realise how he was coming across and thought I was being horrible to him and he escalated it.

previous to this argument he was doing everything and being amazing. Looking after the baby, cooking, staying up with me late and trying to keep me calm and being a safe space. Because he’s annoyed with me, he’s listening without responding and putting his arm around me whilst watching tv or trying to go to sleep and I can hear him sigh like ‘here we go again’. He’s there but not present.
I’m hurt by his behaviour that day, and he’s assumingly hurt by mine but I can drop it and move past it if he would just revert back to being normal and kind. I don’t have the mental capacity to wait for him to snap out of it at the moment. I probably am noticing his lack of kindness more now because I am sad but it’s definitely there. I just don’t understand why he can’t, for once, put his anger to the side and realise how cruel it is to allow someone to feel so much more alone given what is happening. I might sound selfish but I would never do this to him.

You are grieving and he is not. I think he is trying to do his best but really doesn't get what you are going through. You probably are difficult to live with at the minute, I was in pieces and a nightmare to live with when my Mother died. My DH did his best, but some people (particularly men) find it difficult to deal with the raw emotions that come out during grief. I think my DH was just in shock at how unable to cope I was. Give it time and believe he is trying.