Leaving someone for someone else.

[sophy3]

Hello everyone,

Is leaving someone for someone else wrong if the relationship you was in was toxic and you was treated badly? The second I met this new man on a random night out it gave me the courage to leave my previous relationship. I tried to work on my previous relationship for around 2 months after and it just wasn't getting any better and he had no intentions of changing so I finally left.

I feel guilty?

I think morality is a nice idea of an ideal life, but circumstances come into play and make an impact.

You wouldn’t have worked out with the ex, you’ve moved on.

I don’t think leaving is wrong. Depending on how you conducted yourself in the 2 months interim/follow on I might say ‘that’s not great’ but it’s for you to be at peace with your choices.

You feel guilty because you know it’s wrong - don’t be a monkey (only letting go of one branch when you have hold of another).
It’s also not really fair on your current partner - you’ve wasted their time until someone ‘better’ has come along.

Leaving someone is fine, but dumping them because Mr / Mrs New has just appeared isn’t, IMO.

I think it's more nuanced than that. It is hard to leave. So sometimes we stay when we should leave. You were not happy and um'ing and ah'ing, then life showed you something better and healthier for you. I'd ask why you settled for poor treatment - were you living together, were you intertwined? Make sure you work it through properly in your mind, the new guy, so you don't stay when you should leave in future. x

A lot of people need the courage to make the step out of an unhappy relationship. Interest from A N Other is exactly that. It may not last with your affair partner but see it for what it is, an escape from your prior life.

Personally there are very few situations where leaving 'for someone else' is wise. Most people who do so simply don't have enough information about the new person to really know they will be better off with them. Others don't realise until too late that what makes them happy in an AP doesn't translate to a full time relationship, or even that the other person doesn't want them in that capacity. If you're in a toxic or otherwise unhappy relationship you can, and should leave and its not wrong. But leave because being out of that situation, and single if need be, is better than being in it. (Which is a very wordy way to say never run from one man (or woman) into the arms of another.)

I think it makes sense. You meet someone and realise you could do so much better than what you currently have. Whether or not it works out with the new person is besides the point. You had a glimpse of a different life and realised you needed to make a change.

I think that when we're unhappy in a relationship, it's natural to notice other people more. Sometimes that brings us to the realisation that it's time to move on, and there's nothing wrong with that - where it crosses into murkier waters is if you act on the feelings in any way other than deciding to move on.

My personal morality barometer would prevent me from going straight from one relationship into another, so I can't see that I'd ever leave someone 'for someone else'. However a lot of people do feel that they need a replacement lined up before they leave - either because of low self esteem or just because they're selfish.

Any degree of crossover, even just flirting, before the previous relationship had ended, would count as cheating for me.

In your case, it doesn't sound like you've acted on the feelings other than by ending the relationship. You thought about it carefully and the fact you feel guilty means it wasn't driven by selfishness but more likely low self esteem. So I would cut yourself some slack. We all fall short of ideal behaviour all the time, but the healthy response is to acknowledge it and identify how we can stop it happening again.

Thank you everyone.

I am 22 and my previous partner is 28 and he has 3 children from a previous relationship. I haven't actually acted on anything with the person I met who made me realise, it was only as soon as the feeling entered my head i then expressed my unhappiness with my partner and I tried to make it work but he didn't really seem to want to make any changes so I just removed myself from the equation.

At 22 - you must leave the 28 year old with three kids he doesn't live with. You have a whole life to live. I'd say the new person has given you the impetus to leave , has shown you that there is better out there, that you are worth more. So go...

But I'd also say work on your career, travel a bit, spend time on your hobbies so that you meet a wider circle of people and so that you find out all the things you are really really good at. Enjoy being YOU.

Mr New Man may not be the person you settle with but he's shown you something different - and that's fine.

You might find you just bring a bunch of problems into your new relationship. I wouldn't say it is morally wrong to end one relationship in order to start another, but you're not setting the new one up for success.

At 22 don't feel guilty, you're still learning and the relationship didn't work out. Like PP said, concentrate on you and your dreams, don't feel like you have to be in a relationship at all except with yourself.

I think I might have communicated this wrong, I haven't actually started any new relationship and don't plan on ! Xx

So you're asking if it was wrong to leave a man with three children who treated you badly, when you're 22? Just because at the same time you met someone else you were attracted to? That's a very very easy one! Absolutely it wasn't wrong. It's probably the biggest favour you did yourself.

It’s always ok to leave a relationship you are not happy in. You do not need to give a reason or have to justify yourself.

Sometimes it takes something to give you the impetus to do it, as you did after you realised there are better men out there and you could be happier.

At 22 with no ties you have no reason to stay with someone who treats you badly and makes your life unhappy.

Worrying about your ex and feeling guilty is the last thing you should be worrying about! Find your own self esteem: maybe think about where within yourself you find the strength and self worth not to put up with shoddy treatment.

Good luck!

A few clichés, but they are all relevant in this instance: What's done is done. Guilt isn't helpful. Learn from it and move on. Life is a journey. We're human, not perfect.

In an ideal world, then people wouldn't "leave for someone else". But real-life is messy.

It's best for you that you're out of the toxic relationship now. Be happy for that win.

In the future, if you need to leave a relationship, hopefully you have the strength and courage to do that without someone else (i.e. another potential partner). That's where the learning comes in.

I get annoyed with mumsnet, where if anyone behaves less than perfectly, that person is derided and labelled a "bad person" for all time. Everyone makes mistakes.

You left because an encounter made you realise you were in a bad relationship. You didn't cheat, you didn't jump into a new relationship with this guy. He just acted as the eye opener you needed. Nothing to be guilty about at all and we'll done getting out.

I think some people on this thread have misunderstood your OP.

Ah only just saw your updates. I assumed you were older and that you had an affair with the new man.

Given you're update, i really think you shouldn't spend any time concerned at all!

Speaking from experience, you are leaving because the relationship is toxic and not for someone else. The someone else is just another thing showing you this relationship is not for you.

I left for someone else or more accurately there being someone else I had feelings for encouraged me to leave. There was no overlap other than the fact we both had confessed that we had feelings for each other (we had worked together for 2 years at this point and had a friendship so I knew it wasn't a fleeting thing). I left my partner a few weeks later when I felt strong enough to (but nothing inappropriate happened in these two weeks). My ex partner was not abusive but they did have several mental and physical health issues which meant they could be emotionally manipulative but the relationship was toxic because of both of us, not just them. We just didn't have a healthy communication style. I did start a relationship with my coworker shortly after leaving and we are still together six years on and happily married. We were both adamant that nothing would "start" when either of us were in relationships and I'm glad we stuck to this.

I honestly don't understand why people berate people for leaving and then starting another relationship shortly after. The alternative is staying in a relationship you know you aren't happy in or having an affair. Most of these unhappy relationships are dead long before the time official ending.

You are right to leave the bloke and whatever motivation causes that is fine.

Please please focus on your career, financial independence and yes having fun.

So many women on here end up enthralled by men who are a waste of space and then find themselves chained down by shit marriages and unable to get their own financial situation back on track.

I have left one man for another a few times, morally it's probably not very nice but what's the other option, stay with somebody I've no interest in any more?

As far as I see it if your head is turned that easily it wasn't in the relationship anyway really so better off out.

It's not immoral to end a toxic relationship.

It is immoral to chat up and flirt with someone when you're in a. Relationship- you should end the relationship first before being 'on the pull' but the ship has sailed and it's done now and wouldn't deny yourself happiness over it.

Ps why not reach out to the new nice guy after you have left your current man

This probably won't go down well on MN but the reality is, the main reason a lot of relationships end is because there is someone else (or the potential of someone else) on the scene. There are plenty of people out there who are in marriages / long term relationships who want to leave but sometimes until someone else comes along, they don't have the nerve to / are scared about being alone / can't imagine meeting someone else. It's not ideal, it's not "MN friendly" but it's the truth.

Someone said to me many, many years ago "Do you really think that every person meets the love of their life when they're single?! How much of a perfect world would that be?!" and it has stuck with me ever since.

So in answer to your question, no, I don't think it is "wrong". I think it's not ideal but then again, life isn't ideal! In an ideal world you would meet someone, get married, stay together and remain happy with that one person forever. Because at the end of the day, nobody gets into a relationship that they think is going to end!

I agree with this 100%. My friend left her ex for someone else. The new relationship didn't work out, but her relationship with her ex-husband had been dead in the water a long time and she probably would never have had the guts to leave if it wasn't for having her eyes opened. She's now happily single and thriving in her career (which her ex wouldn't allow as he didn't want her to earn more than him). Yes she should have "had the guts" to leave him without having her head turned but how many times do we read posts on MN about people who have been stuck in bad / abusive / sexless marriages and have been for years.

You didn't actually leave him for someone else. That kind of suggests going from one relationship straight into another which was already waiting.

You had an experience that made you see your relationship differently, and realise it wasn't the relationship for you.

It sounds like a good thing to me as you have now left a relationship which was toxic.