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Original poster

Text from the ex

16 replies

AyrshireTryer · 20/03/2024 06:31

I left almost a year ago.

We speak on the phone occasionally. Ex telling me lots about his potential new person, that came to nothing.

Recently I've been getting texts, am I coming back etc

Here is the latest:-

I think I need to know if there is any hope of you coming back or us getting back together. I keep imagining you turning up but it never happens. I thought it might be a temporary thing while you got your head together.

I told him I was leaving as I felt I wasn't a priority.
I understand he works hard, but also volunteers and his mother take up a lot of time, but does this read that the relationship broke down due to me rather than us.

We were together for 20 years and I do feel incredibly guilty that it finished, but I have found someone new who adores me. Had not had sex with ex for about 15 years.

How do I stop the guilt, should I go back. It's all doing my head in.

OP posts:
Mintyt · 20/03/2024 06:36

Say I'm not coming back and with kindness you need to move on.

Popetthetreehugger · 20/03/2024 06:39

Wish him well and block

Savoretti · 20/03/2024 06:43

Doesn’t sound like he’s taken your comments/feelings on board at all. Reads like he thinks you went off in a huff for some time out and he assumed you’d be coming straight back. He hasn’t done anything to change or to realise his own part in this

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 20/03/2024 06:51

Savoretti · 20/03/2024 06:43

Doesn’t sound like he’s taken your comments/feelings on board at all. Reads like he thinks you went off in a huff for some time out and he assumed you’d be coming straight back. He hasn’t done anything to change or to realise his own part in this

This

PoulezVous · 20/03/2024 06:55

Sorry, why would you feel guilty? You don't owe anyone a relationship and being with someone because of guilt is one of the worst reasons, along with pity, fear, obligation or any other negative emotion.

My mother admitted she married her 2nd husband because she felt sorry for him. Until his death last year he was sitting pretty like a big, smug, parasitic tic, and my mother was lonely and miserable, not to mention broke as he took all her money. She's so much happier now - what a waste of 28 years.

As the MN saying goes; don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Block him and live your life.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/03/2024 07:01

Why are you still talking on the phone?

SpringleDingle · 20/03/2024 07:17

Why on Earth would you feel guilty? You ended a relationship that wasn’t giving you what you need. I’m sure he does prefer to think it is all your fault but that doesn’t make it true!! Just tell him you aren’t coming back and he needs to move on and then block him.

Coconutter24 · 20/03/2024 07:28

What do you tell him when he asks if you’re going back? If you don’t give a clear no then you’re being unfair by keeping him hanging there. If you have told him no and he still asks then you need to block him and move on, won’t be as hard if you don’t keep receiving texts from him

PeacefulSJ · 20/03/2024 07:31

AyrshireTryer · 20/03/2024 06:31

I left almost a year ago.

We speak on the phone occasionally. Ex telling me lots about his potential new person, that came to nothing.

Recently I've been getting texts, am I coming back etc

Here is the latest:-

I think I need to know if there is any hope of you coming back or us getting back together. I keep imagining you turning up but it never happens. I thought it might be a temporary thing while you got your head together.

I told him I was leaving as I felt I wasn't a priority.
I understand he works hard, but also volunteers and his mother take up a lot of time, but does this read that the relationship broke down due to me rather than us.

We were together for 20 years and I do feel incredibly guilty that it finished, but I have found someone new who adores me. Had not had sex with ex for about 15 years.

How do I stop the guilt, should I go back. It's all doing my head in.

Pop the boundary in place with a

Absolutely not coming back but your find the right person who shares your goals.

Then limit cobtact.

It sounds like a habit rather than friendship

Original poster
AyrshireTryer · 21/03/2024 18:00

Guilty - as I had ended the relationship, I suppose.
Many thanks for people's comments.

OP posts:
citrinetrilogy · 21/03/2024 18:28

There is no need to feel guilty for doing the right thing and putting yourself first.

He still doesn't comprehend why you left, and can't get to grips with the fact that the relationship had broken down too far for there to be any reconciliation.

You need to make it clear to him that there is no going back.

Opentooffers · 21/03/2024 19:09

What a bizarre notion, to contemplate going back to someone you hadn't had sex with for 15 years and made you feel miserable? Would you not then feel guilty about leaving your current partner when he's done nothing wrong? Tell yourself to get a grip. The kindest thing is to make sure he is not left hoping. That he still thinks there's a chance implies you've been shying away from telling him straight. Also, keeping in unnecessary contact will stop him moving on, so you need to cut that out for his own good.
Tell him plainly that there is no chance at all, so he needs to move on and stop contacting you.

theworldie · 21/03/2024 19:30

Had not had sex with ex for about 15 years.

Bloody hell - why on earth would you want to go back to that? Sounds miserable!

Should you hell take him back!!

Original poster
AyrshireTryer · 23/03/2024 06:40

Many thanks for comments.
I'll work on my feeling of guilt.

OP posts:
Getoffmybirdtable · 23/03/2024 06:47

Agree with everyone - you made your decision and you are no longer unhappy. Clear communication and boundaries are really important now though. And perhaps an empathetic view rather than a guilt view.

I read that text that he’s a wounded man; clinging on to a snippet of hope. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty (far from it) but he’s had his heartbroken by the relationship ending. Whatever the reasons for that, he wants you back. Your stance hasn’t changed and it’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Clearly tell him, it is over and you have moved on, and he should too.

Original poster
AyrshireTryer · 23/03/2024 17:29

Getoffmybirdtable · 23/03/2024 06:47

Agree with everyone - you made your decision and you are no longer unhappy. Clear communication and boundaries are really important now though. And perhaps an empathetic view rather than a guilt view.

I read that text that he’s a wounded man; clinging on to a snippet of hope. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty (far from it) but he’s had his heartbroken by the relationship ending. Whatever the reasons for that, he wants you back. Your stance hasn’t changed and it’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Clearly tell him, it is over and you have moved on, and he should too.

God. I feel even worse now!

OP posts:
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