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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me understand this women!!!! I am at my wits end!!!

22 replies

Julezboo · 27/03/2008 13:44

My MIL!!! Thats should say it all really.

I will try to be brief. met DP in july 05, met her shortly after, me and dp spent every other weekend with her (he was still at home) long distance relationship sort of thing. Very quickly DP moved up north to be with me and she just changed into the worst women ever!

I was telling my ds off for smacking me in the face and she dragged him away from me, it just went down hill from there. Summer 06 we had a big nlow up and she told me I should listen to her and do what she says because she brought up DP. That I am a cruel mother and I will drive my kids away she called me selfish and childish. This all kicked off because the night before DS was kicking off and playing up at bedtime using delay tactics he asked for a drink i told him no a few times. She sneaked him one up told him not to tell me, wasnt the first time she'd done this.

I was annoyed at the fact she was encouraging my son (who id brought up on my own for 4 years!) to lie to me.

Anyway she moved abroad after that, we bought her house, after a long drawn out mess of her and DP trying to persuade me to just keep paying off her mortgage as it would be done in a few years time then the house would be fully ours. Part of the big blow up she said she wasnt signing her house over to us if my name was on anything. I had my son to think of and was 10 weeks pregnant at the time so i stood my ground, because I knew she would come back eventually and try to reclaim/takeover the house.

So fast forward a year, mortgage is in our names, we pay it each month, all th ebills are in our names, we have half way through redorating the house and she decides shes not happy abroad and wants to come back. Fair enough I said, shes never actually said sorry for the things she said to me so I am convinced she meant them and actually doesnt like me. She then moved to eastbourne, prior to this she was with us for 10 days i bit my tongue cos i knew it wouldnt be forever.

Now shes moved back to this area, stayed with us for 3 weeks and is now in the process of moving into her own place. She doesnt drive and expects me to drive her places. She tells me what to do all the time with my boys. We do CC with our DS hes 13 months, we dont do it properly but the way we do it works, she stood outside his door a few nights ago and said "my poor darling boy, leaving you to cry like that)

The longest we have left him is 5 mins!! Its stupid little comments that all add up and make me feel like a useless mother. The gas running out is my fault, if i turn the heating on, she waits till im out the room and turns it off again. I threw two of DS's cups into the bin because they was broken, she watched me do it then the next day they where on the draining board and she told DP she thought the baby put them in there, even though the baby doesnt step foot in the kitchen ever!!

The worst thing ever was 2 nights ago I was in aogny, sat on the couch with my hot water bottle (in process of mc) took the boys to bed and came down to get my water bottle and re fill it and it had gone. Me and DP looked for a good 10 mins before i dug out another. She sat in her chair and said "i dunno i havnt seen it"

The next morning I found it stuffed/hidden down the side of the chair where she was sitting i was litrally crying in pain and she sat there. Not 100% she hid it on purpose but she was the only one left in the room when we took the boys to bed.

She kicked off this morning because my ds (5) made a comment about her being silly for folding his coat sleeves up, she lost it and said she'd had enough and it was all too much. DP amde a joke out of it but im fed up of her little outbirsts. I know we need to lay rules down over our boys but she just doesnt listen, it goes in one ear and out the other seriously. Like DS (!) was vomiting all day tuesday, when she got in from work i asked her not to give him any food bebause it makes him sick and he was having rehydration fluids (so not starving him) she told me off i had to practically beg her not to feed him. She did the same with DS1 when he was smaller too.

Its turning into a bit of a rant sorry but anyway yesterday she rung DP at work crying because she was worried about me and wanted me to go and sit with her. I told him to politely let her down but i cant put up with it anymore I have enough going on.

DP keeps telling me she loves me and thinks the world of me, yet she constantly gives me horrid looks whenever ipick the baby up or speak to the boys. She always questions what Im doing with them. I know she doestn agree with my parenting but me and DP agree and surely thats all that should matter, shes had her time now and it would do her good to rememebr who gave birth to her darling grandsons!!!

SOrry its long and thanks for reading if you got this far. A friend of mine ended up sending a solicitors letter to her MIL i dont want to have to go that far but Im scared its coming to that! She just wont listen! Thinks her way is best and im ready to ignore her for the rest of my life!

OP posts:
pedilia · 27/03/2008 13:47

what a godawful woman, she sounds very,very jealous to me!

Does DP not notice any of this, if so what does he say?

Julezboo · 27/03/2008 13:52

he says its just the way she is, hes put up with it for 27 years. He does stick up for me to be fair but the one thing that upset me more was hiding my hot water bottle, I know it seems petty but he didnt even question her over it

I am biting my tongue so much i just wanna let ripa nd tell her what i think of her. I told DP once shes moved out and Ive calmed down Im gonna write her letter, maybe if she has that to refer to she will be able to remember what we've said.

OP posts:
pedilia · 27/03/2008 13:55

Good idea about the letter.
is she moving near to you guys?

hecate · 27/03/2008 13:55

Your DP must be insane if he thinks this woman likes you, let alone loves you! He needs to support you and back you up. And you need to tell her straight to back the feck off. What's the worst that can happen? She stops talking to you? Good.

Julezboo · 27/03/2008 13:58

she will be 10 min drive from us, but will take her a while to get bus to here.

Hlaf of it is winding me up so much I think because of the Hormones etc... its every little thing thats making me seethe with her lately, shes got no tact or nothing. Last night she went to get a bath and came down saying "we need to get a new tap in there"

I told no me and DP do, horrid of me but she still see this house as hers. We are moving btw! House is going up for sale in the next month or two. Which shes already put her view across on to DP behind my back

OP posts:
Julezboo · 27/03/2008 14:01

sorry about typing DS is bashing the keyboard as I type

OP posts:
evie99 · 27/03/2008 14:15

You have my full sympathy Julezboo, I also have a MIL from hell. I think it's only if you are in this situation that you can really understand how the tactlessness, lack of respect, snidey comments etc build up. I had to take my DH to counselling to get him to understand that we were seeing way too much of his parents (twice a week and all holidays) and needed a bit of distance (counsellor said I was being reasonable after hearing both our sides). I only have to have 30 minutes in my MIL's company before she does my head in.

billysitch · 28/03/2008 10:32

My MIL lives in Rio, we live in South UK, my mother lives in Norfolk, to be honest the further away from us they are the BETTER!

Carmenere · 28/03/2008 10:40

TBH Julez I think you have been too easy on her. My mil tried this kind of crap and I just froze her out. If she DARED contradict my parenting she would be in a B&B. If you just let her continue to undermine you unchallenged your dp has an excuse to think that you two get on ok. However if you have a few flaming bloody rows with her he won't be able to pretend that she loves you
Face her down. Silly cow is playing power games with you in your own home.

cheesesarnie · 28/03/2008 10:43

omg she sounds awful!

billysitch · 28/03/2008 10:49

I meant to add, JULEZ - let her have it, BOTH BARRELS!

Youcannotbeserious · 28/03/2008 10:54

if I had a brother, I'd say you were married to him!! This sounds just like my mother!

You have to limit the influence she has over you... I wouldn't bother trying to change her... You won't and it'll just give HER amunition (I wouldn't bother with the letter!)

All that stuff: ''MY'' darling little man - FFS! it's not HER baby, it's yours... and waiting for you to leave the room and then switching stuff back again!!! I can relate to that!!!
oh, and the tears... don't forget the tears!!!

She wants everything to revolve around her and she HAS to be right.... Your DH has learned to live with her behaviour (my sister does the same... if I ever say anything, all she says is 'she's very good to us')

The trouble is, for your DH, and you and your kids is there isn't a middle ground, IMHO.... All you can do is limit the contact you have with her. .

Personally, I wouldn't advocate having her to stay at your house (I BET she has to have everything her way, but if / when you go to her house, you have to treat it as HER house and do it all HER way!) and I would limit financial ties with her (I posted recently, as I'm in a similar situation with my mother and money!)

I'm guessing that she wants to know 100% about your lives, but then critisises when you do tell her stuff and if YOU try to limit contact - that's when she turns the waterworks on to your DH... Divide and rule!!

All you can do is wise up to her ways and don't give her an inch or she'll take 5 miles!!!

If your DH isn't ready to break all contact, then I think this is all you can do.

YCBS x

Julezboo · 28/03/2008 11:30

thankyou for all the replies.

I was up all night with DS2 (1) he has vomited non stop for a few days, I finally got him off back to sleep and she shouted (!) up the stairs at 4am did I want her to take him down for a bit. I told her no. So she had a huff on this morning. Hopefully She will be fully moved out by tomorrow.

YCBS - the tears is exactly right, she acts like the victim all the time! DS has a bad chest, throwing up so I have either had him in my bed with me or in his big car seat next to me in bed so he can breath better and now choke on his sick. She told DP last night I was being cruel putting him in his car seat. DP flipped apparently (all happened in the car on the way home from work)

He came in and told me and I said loudly "she can fuck off"

I have been ignored since but its easier. She tells DP when hes not there we get on fine, but we dont, if I smile at her I get a horrid look, if i ask her anything its one word answers, she doesnt ever start a conversation with me unless its to tell me what I should be doing.

Its honestly like shes not all there. She said to DP this morning, "if that doctor last night told you there was nothing wrong with DS then dont believe her speak to someone else"

DP tried to explain that just because the doctor didnt give him any meds, doesnt mean he has nothing wrong with him. She is so convinced he should be taking flu medicine (to a poitn im worried she may have given it too him behind my back!) Until and shouted "theres no point giving him medicine if he is just gonna bring it back up again!!

I dont think there is a brain inside her head more like cloth or polystyrene or something similar!!!!

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 28/03/2008 11:43

why is she at your house atm?

Youcannotbeserious · 28/03/2008 11:50

Julez - trying to explain is futile....

the whole principle of taking a child to the doctors, but only listening to advice IF it fits in with what she'd already decided is just laughable.......

If the Dr agrees with your MIL - then the Dr is right.

If the Dr. doesn't agree with your MIL - then the Dr is wrong

At no point does it ever enter your MIL's head that SHE might not be 100% absolutely catagorically correct at all times!!!

Don't try to argue or explain.. IMO, you need to work out an action plan to get MIL out of your house and in her own so you can get on with your own life..

Does your DH believe you when you say your MIL isn't as lovely as she says she is?

Julezboo · 28/03/2008 11:59

She is here because she started her Job Tues just goen and previously lives near London. We found her a flat, last weekend she got the keys but with things that have happened this week, I started to MC, cos its molar it was touch and go whether I would need to be in hospital straight away, then DS got ill, so DP gets home from work and takes over for me so hasnt had the time ot energy to move the rest of her stuff over to her flat.

YCBS - He does yes, but then naturally he kinda defends her, with comments like, its just the way she is, she wont ever change, shes incapable of listening. To e totally fair to him he does stick up for me and hes had so many rows with her in these last few weeks but it is litrally in one ear and out the other. Yesterday morning he told her to back off, yesterday afternoon she was telling him i was being cruel keeping him in his car seat. For a start, hes not strapped in, DS is a very good walker and gets himself in and out of it! And I think Im doing a pretty good job of taking care of a sick baby when im going through a MC at the moment to and feeling very drained and emotional.

She makes comments about the state of the house (its lived in not a show home) She makes coments about all our washing, which to be fair I am totally crap at keeping up with but I do get there eventually and its non of her business!

She is a good help. When she came up i was having horrendous sickness because of the molar pregnancy and she did do all the washing, she did sell us the house for 20k less than it was worth, she used to help us out from time to time with money/shopping... But then so does my mum, but my mum doesnt create a big scene when we want to have a takeaway, or when the leccy runs out...

Just last week she had a breakdown in front of one of our visitors because the gas ran out. Its winter, we have a routine where it usually runs out on a tues morning (theres always emergency to fall back on) And we certainly dont live on the bloody moon so can easily get to a shop to get more. She honestly cried from 8am till 11am. Because it was my fault for having the heating on. ITS MY HOUSE IF I WANT TO BE WARM I WILL!!!!!!

Im getting myself all worked up again now!!!

OP posts:
Julezboo · 28/03/2008 12:05

See i really feel bad for my DP because he is right in the middle of it all. He is an only child the rest of their family is abroad and just take advantage of her.

DP has just told me he is taking her tonight, he doesnt want her in our house anymore.

OP posts:
windygalestoday · 28/03/2008 12:16

she sounds awful!!

first of all things seem a little worse cos you are having truly godawful time at the minute too- just one of the children or you being ill would add stress yet you hve loads on,imo this is when shecould hve shown herself to be heaven sent,she could have took the boys to allow you to rest she could have fussed over you -she SHOULD have had 5 hot water bottles ready for you- that washing you mention she could have conquered it for you - then when she grated on your nerves you could have thought bck to how she helped you--shes just bitch imo!

She will soon not be living with you then you can avoid her at all costs- b short with her ,not rude but mak it clear you re unable to be friends,she will drive a wedge between your family this is the sort of woman who thinks that behaviour is normal.

thankfully your dp sees it too .

good luck x

barnstaple · 28/03/2008 12:31

Poor you. Hope you and ds recover quickly.

You don't need her around; and you're right that she won't change and it's all little power games etc. Limit contact, it's all you can do.

My MIL was exactly the same, it went on for years partly because dh buries his head in the ground and won't look at problems. He used all the same excuses ("she loves you" - just cos she says she does, doesn't mean she does, look at her behaviour). Eventually we moved 150 miles away. She visits twice a year, stays for lunch (dh won't let her stay in the house overnight, says he'd kill her!), won't stay in a b&b round here but will go with her hubby another 150 miles after lunch and stay in b&b there. Complains she doesn't see enough of us or her dear little girl (my dd). Makes no sense but at least I don't have to see much of her! Gives her something to be tragic about as well.

Dropdeadfred · 28/03/2008 13:25

I think your DP should pack up her essentials and get her over to her flat tonight. I never see my MIL without my DP being there too - it's a rule I wrote a while ago and has helped me stay sane.

halogen · 28/03/2008 20:41

I have nothing much useful to add, but you poor poor thing. My MIL is horrific but nowhere near this bad. However, I think that's partly because she knows I would absolutely lose it if she dared to do anything that isn't what I've said should happen. Maybe you need to let it all out, preferably at her?!

Youcannotbeserious · 29/03/2008 11:32

Hi Julez...

How did DP's talk with MIL go?

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