Narcissist family member - advice

[Pantaloons99]

I've a sibling who is a bully and has treated people terribly over the years. Despite periods of ' good' behaviour, I'm always on edge. I've been physically terrified of them in the past due to severe aggression. Bullying, horrible texts, treating people all around them appallingly at times.

I have severe health issues. Things are only progressing and it looks like these won't improve but will continue to deteriorate. This makes me a giant target. Anyone who has lived this dynamic will understand.

My child (13) has regularly spent time with their cousin over the years and enjoys being with them. Child has observed very immature behaviour and aggression from my sibling so is very aware of this bullying like behaviour.

I've recently disengaged following a polite request to stop certain things but the response was typical narcissistic reply which leaves me with nowhere to go. I already see some manipulation online when their child was gaming with mine. I also see this older cousin is being drawn in and I have started to see a side kick in the making. It makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and I feel like I'll be dealing with 2 of them now ( not child's fault but this is what's happening)

Unless I apologise and accept being severely belittled there is likely no moving forward from this.

How do you explain this to your children? As my health worsens I want my child to be protected from this person. Child absolutely loves spending time with cousin and this has been very regular. Yet as I worsen and as I see certain behaviour ramp up I just want to protect them whilst I can and make sure father is fully aware without just thinking it's all me. ( Narcissists are excellent at this). I've seen some narcissistic type behaviour from my ex tbh but nothing like this and he is generally passive and a family man. Our child enjoys time with father and family that side.

i don't know how to explain this situation to my child and others involved in caring for them. Especially as my health situation declines and I think about the future.

'My sibling is a bully. I am sorry but I was wrong to keep them in my life this long. And wrong to let them anywhere near you. We do not engage or negotiate will bullies. We stay the hell away from them. My sibling will no longer be coming around here. I am removing them from our lives in order to keep us safe. Unfortunately, this might make it difficult to see your cousin. S/he is always welcome to come here but, her parent may not allow it. Either way, it doesn't change my decision. I know it sucks. But we cannot let bullies stay in our lives'.

Thanks Pinkbonbon, I know that you are right on this. It's so easy to doubt everything. Thankyou

What PinkBonbon wrote.

Furthermore if a parent or relative is too toxic for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too. Keep your child well away from your sibling and their child.

Yes that makes total sense. The thing is my child isn't too bothered about the adult who directs toxic behaviour at me. This is because they love seeing the cousin so much always happy to be there and tolerate the ' grump'.

I need to look at a suitable way of explaining things to my child who will keep asking and will be sad about this. Also what's happening online with the gaming and manipulation. It's possible my own child will blame me for this which just frustrates me. My child is very perceptive and headstrong yet rather self focused ( neurodivergent).

Is their cousin the same sort of age?. Do they attend different schools?.

I have also found this excerpt re narcissistic people to be very useful:-

"You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your child, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make.

Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt".

This is a very helpful reminder, thank you. I really like that article.

They aren't at the same school and siblings child is older by 2 years

I think the big issue is my sense of guilt and feeling to blame but I absolutely am not to blame nor should I feel guilty yet I do constantly. It's part of living in a dynamic like this since childhood I imagine. Always feeling to blame for the behaviour of the bully and the fall out from that.