Co-parenting with an unreasonable ex

[Exasperated80]

I separated from my DD's dad almost 7 years ago. At first co-parenting was a breeze. We had a healthy and friendly co-parenting relationship, with DD firmly at the centre.

However things turned sour when he met someone else. Since then various nasty things have happened (over the last three years) instigated by him for no apparent reason.

He now refuses to have an contact with me and will only communicate through our daughter. She is finding this very difficult because the unreasonable behaviour he used to direct at me is now directed at her. He is manipulative and will also argue until he gets his own way. This has included her not being allowed to attend birthday parties, sleepovers, etc.

He works shifts and only tells her on a Saturday when she's going to be with him that week. If she has any plans in that's time then he guilt trips her into cancelling.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice? I have tried contacting him to try and get things sorted between us for her sake but he just flat out ignores it. DD is getting more and more upset and I'm just feeling helpless 😭

How old is DD?

Yeah how old is D?

She can get to an age when she just says, I have plans that day and leave it at that.

I think you’ve been decent in trying to reach out, he has turned this down so that is his problem and a weird form of controlling the situation

It is cruel and inappropriate of him to include a child to be partaking in an adult conversation. She should be allowed to be a child.

Is there a third party you can go through? A grandparent/ family member friend etc. Failing that, my suggestion would be to say if you don’t put something in place where there’s a level of communication you have no choice to obtain a court order in which sets out dates and times where she is with either of you and you will both have to adhere by this. If he can’t grow up and do what’s right for his child then you will be forced to get something set in stone so everyone knows where they stand.

See a solicitor and get everything sorted out for visitations.

Also ask your solicitor to draft a letter telling him that all communication going forward needs to be done via a parenting message app (there are loads out there) and not your daughter.

If he doesn't like it, tough luck. Send the message that he can't bully you or your daughter.

How old is she? Does she want to see him?

Sorry, thanks for all your replies. Things have been really getting on top of me recently so just catching up.

My DD is 13, and I'm hoping that sooner or later she will indeed just say no to him. But he's got such control over her that she just backs down. I've offered to step in on her behalf but she says that she doesn't want me to because it'll just make things worse (in terms of all the lectures he gives her).

I have recently spoken to relationships Scotland to try for mediation and am waiting to see if he'll agree to that. I am not holding out much hope though.

I have also spoken to a solicitor and the next step will be court action if he doesn't agree to mediation.

He's started getting later and later each week with when he tells her when his 'precious time" with her is, so it's often last minute. We're both then expected to drop any plans we have to accommodate his whims.

I really want her to have a relationship with her dad but it's driving me round the bend!!

I am trying for mediation through relationships Scotland. I really do want to work something out that suits my daughter. I don't think he'll agree though!

I really wanted to avoid court as I think him and his partner will get really nasty. But it's looking like the only option 😕

I think I would concentrate on getting help for your daughter - you can't make him behave decently or stick to arrangements. I don't think there's much point to trying to fight him.

I'd look for support to help her build up resilience and shore up her self-esteem from this emotional abuse from her father. Hopefully she'll find her way out of his FOG and stop folding to his unreasonable controlling behaviour, but I think you really need some outside independent support for her.

Otherwise she's quite likely to also end up with similar partners in future as well.

Thanks @category12 I have already gotten her support through the welfare officer at school which has definitely helped. Relationships Scotland have also offered her counselling. She's thinking about that counselling but fears that her dad will find out. I know that that's even more reason for her to get counselling, but am trying not to push her too much in case she clams up.

She knows that I am doing everything I can to support her and that she has options, but she just wants me to do something for her. That's why I'm thinking court might be the only next step. Even if the court could just say that arrangements have to be made between parents and not through her. Or am I just being weak by not standing more firmly?? I don't know....

I think by 13 he should be able to make arrangements with her directly

If he was being reasonable, then I would absolutely agree. But he isn't. He demands that she drop her plans to fit around him and just says his word is final. This has included birthday parties, sleepovers, etc.

She’s old enough to decide if she wants to see him or not though so if she does nothing you can do about that unfortunately

She's thinking about that counselling but fears that her dad will find out. I know that that's even more reason for her to get counselling, but am trying not to push her too much in case she clams up.

What a piece of shit he is.

Will the courts actually take this up, though, at her age? I can see it would be easier if he had a court-set day for contact - then if he didn't turn up or whatever, you just say "tough shit" and it takes the responsibility off your daughter.

I can't understand why a man would care so much more about his ego and control that he'd happily harm his own daughter. Enraging.

💐

She is in a controlling relationship with her dad though. Anyone whose ever been in one will know it's not just easy to say no. So it's even harder when it's the own parent!

I am going to have to go to court anyway for a specific issues order to allow me to take my daughter on a very big family holiday later this year. He's said he won't give his consent even though I've taken her abroad loads over the past few years. I've spoken to a solicitor about it and if he doesn't agree to mediation then court is the only way!

I've been through every emotion over the whole situation these past few years. I just can't stand seeing my daughter upset by him any more 😭

But at her age there isn't much you can do, courts won't force him to speak to you 😕

My solicitors advice is that the courts can and will say that arrangements have to be made between parents, either directly or through a parenting app, particularly given that it's causing my daughter distress. For her mental wellbeing the situation isn't sustainable unfortunately 😢

Definitely pursue it then.

Good luck with it all. I hope you get a good outcome. You're really trying your best for her x

A 13yr old having to facilitate her own contact and also having to advocate for herself in regards to her own boundaries?

The pressure of that, at that age will be immense; throw on all those teenage hormones and the emotions that come with them - even in a good situation that's hard - in this one? Oh that poor girl.

It seems like you're trying your best to protect her; but Dad isn't playing ball. Are her school aware of this?

It's a massive burden on her for sure. The school are aware and she's getting support through both a welfare officer and her guidance teacher which has definitely helped. She talks very openly with them and with myself and my partner and knows she has our full support.

I'm hoping she'll also agree to counselling to work through things and strengthen her resilience further.

I guess I can't have any control in how he acts so am doing whatever I can to just help her through it. I never speak badly of him as a person but do make it clear that his actions aren't acceptable. Being the bigger person is sometimes pretty exhausting though 😑

Oh lass, I am in very similar situation. I have two boys, both ND, of 10 and 12 and their relatives with their had had always been difficult due to how controlling he is. I fled DV over five years ago and still being dragged through the courts. In a nutshell, they hate going to see him, he doesn't listen to them (won't allow parties on "his" weekend is one of them too), but the court order dictates they have to go. I would love to know at what age our poor children can just choose to not go and avoid being controlled and abused like I was.

I really do empathise as I can see for you and your daughter it's all about being controlled and manipulated, it's the same with us but he puts full narcissist charm on for court so has the judge round his little fiver currently.

After being terribly let down by cafcass, CAMHS and the family court, I'd be really careful about going there. It's been the most hideous experience of my life tbh and I just long to be free of him. There's no reasoning with men like that. They get off on holding that power over you, makes them feel like big strong men. They're actually pathetic weak cowards.

Feel free to message me any time for solidarity or a chat, it's such a horrible positive to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Apologies for so many typos, not sleeping well atm

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time @Jadedbuthappy82

It really is exhausting isn't it?? That sounds awful about your experience with the courts. Some men really are just cowards, as are all bullies!

I hope you've had some support through all of this? I'm know I'm very lucky to have a fab support system around me whenever I need it.

Can I ask if you went to mediation? Although sounds like it would be a trial in itself in your position!

I'm so glad that you escaped such a toxic situation and I'm sure your boys will thank you for all of this in the future. Keep your head held high!

Thank you so much, it really has taken its toll on me. Lawyers advised against mediation due to the history of DV but he pushed and pushed and the judges I find mostly very weak and shockingly biased towards protecting the rights f these feckless "men". I agreed to try and paid my fee and had my meeting with the lady who was lovely. I outlined the history of it all and she was reluctant due to the DV but said she'd meet I'm and see what she thought. She came back to me straight after her hour with him and said she was sorry but there was no way she could do mediation with him, that in her view he was manipulative and dangerous. She advised me to be very careful around him and to try to get my non mol reinstated as to her he seemed unhinged and sinister. He is. But as he hasn't physically hurt me in the last 12 months, a non mol cannot be reinstated. The family courts are a joke and in my mind totally corrupt. Far too lenient to proven abusers who they then enable to go on to continue their control and abuse (financial, temporal, emotional and verbal aggression) long after women like me have had to flee with our vulnerable children. I feel frightened going forward as my two have send and are very young minded and trusting. Often, they don't perceive danger until it's too late and I won't be here forever, and due to various conditions that I developed due to the trauma and abuse I suffered, my health really isn't great

I have a good support network but it's small and my children don't have much close family other than my parents who are lovely but elderly.

I would over to be free of my abuser and for my children to be free of him, but my experience of family court is they do everything in their power to force the abusive man back into your lives for as long as possible. It baffles me, like so many other injuries that are clear as day and all around us in our broken country.

I wish you well and hope you find peace, I know one day our children will be old enough today no but I am so sad at all the damage that's being inflicted upon them in the meantime whilst I am powerless to stop it. My expectations of the court system has been awful. They've bled me dry in legal fees with very little support and protection given in return.

My best wishes to you, always here to chat.