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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does a baby fix a relationship?

50 replies

BeOliveHare · 19/03/2024 07:27

Does having a baby fix a relationship? I think not but I feel like I’m the only one! I’m sure having a baby is the most amazing experience but does it bring a couple back together?

My brother and his wife have been married for 4 and a half years. At the start of their marriage they were trying for a baby but unfortunately she suffered a miscarriage. Shortly after, he began an affair with a woman from work. It wasn’t just a physical thing, he says he thinks she’s his soulmate and he’s never felt this way before. He left his job with the intention of being with her because they knew they couldn’t while still working together. But then he hated his new job and he started to realise how difficult it would be to leave because of his house and debts. His relationship with his wife was no longer intimate and they just seemed to be bumbling along. I will never know how she never noticed that he was messaging this other girl all day and night. It’s been going on for nearly 3 years.

Anyway, about 6 months ago this girl told him she couldn’t wait for him to sort himself out anymore. This coincided with his wife realising that she was getting to an age where this was probably her last shot at having a baby. He slept with his wife for the first time in nearly 3 years because he said he felt he had to and he didn’t think she could get pregnant but she did. He says he doesn’t know if he’s happy about it. Before he knew she was pregnant, he and this girl got back together and began seeing each other again. He never told her what had happened. They were still constantly messaging and telling each other how much they loved each other. He is obsessed that this girl is moving on or meeting someone new. Now, this girl has found out about the pregnancy. My brother is absolutely devastated and so disgusted with himself for hurting her and describes what should be the best time of his life as a mess.

My brother and his wife are so in denial about their relationship like this is normal that they don’t spend any time together or sleep together. With a relationship that is so deep rooted in apathy, is this baby going to save it or break them apart for good?

OP posts:

Rania78 · 19/03/2024 10:09

BeOliveHare · 19/03/2024 08:10

No she has no idea. This is what I mean about this apathy. They don’t do anything together apart from go to our parents for dinner on a Sunday. They don’t socialise with friends. She has one holiday a year and she goes away with her mum. They clearly don’t sit together in the evening because he’s on the phone to this girl the whole time.

Poor girl. You should have told her so that she can walk away earlier. Now her life is ruined. What a disgusting person your brother is. And what a disgusting person this new girl is to get involved with a married man whose wife just had a miscarriage.

cornflower21 · 19/03/2024 10:11

Christ what a mess.

Ihaveoflate · 19/03/2024 13:52

OMG no, no, no!!!

Adding a baby to a relationship exposes all the cracks, the ones you know about and the ones you don't.

LenaLamont · 19/03/2024 13:54

Poor woman!

No, having a baby is a major cause of relationship breakdown, not making things better.
Any cracks become chasms, any molehills become mountains, and even strong relationships frequently struggle in the first year or so.

BMW6 · 19/03/2024 14:54

I think you should tell SIL what your brother has been up to.

I know she's pregnant, but she absolutely should know the truth before everything. She needs to make informed choices.

Xenoi24 · 19/03/2024 16:31

If he can't end a 'sexless' relationship for his 'soulmate' after 3 years, he's the one who has major apathy, or is just plain lying about events to you in an attempt to garner some sympathy.

This, his marriage was barely limping along, he'd met his soul mate and started a relationship with her .......but he decided to fuck his wife, for the first time in years, cause she asked him to/was panicking about fertility.

Doesn't really make much sense.

Getting pregnant on one occasion if she's pushing it fertility wise and had no luck before is unlikely too

Bobbotgegrinch · 19/03/2024 16:47

If you know all this why the fuck aren't you telling her?

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 16:51

And you've been covering for him this whole time

Obeast · 19/03/2024 16:55

'He slept with his wife for the first time in nearly 3 years because he said he felt he had to'
Aww, what a hero 😄
The wife needs to know what a scumbag she's legally shackled to, he's put her in danger of STDs without her consent.

Properchips · 19/03/2024 16:59

Poor baby - a lovely brand new human being, to be born into this mess just because its mummy felt she was running out of time to fulfil her needs and the daddy couldn't act with honesty and integrity. This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 19/03/2024 17:05

Having a baby solves relationship problems on about the same level that decapitation cures migraines.

That isn't what has happened here, though. One person is being totally deceived and has got pregnant without the vital knowledge that her husband is a faithless cur. When she finds out, she will have to face her entire future being changed, and the added stresses of co-parenting with a man who shouldn't be believed about anything important.

If a couple decided to have a baby as part of some sort of "new start" to their relationship, I would be concerned. A baby adds a whole new level of stress, even in many healthy relationships. This is a whole other level of stress, just waiting to explode. That poor woman!

Original poster

BeOliveHare · 19/03/2024 17:09

Just to add, I have only just found out. I haven’t known for 3 years at all. I am trying to encourage him to be honest and give her options but I can’t make him. I don’t want to be the one that causes her the upset and distress. I know it’s difficult to outline in detail what the relationship is like . Like I said, they want to spend no time in each others company but refuse to change anything. I’m not blaming her at all, but she must have known this wasn’t right to bring a baby into even without the affair (which to be clear he is disgusting for). I’m just sad for this baby and came here for people out of the family’s opinion on what to do. My brother has done the bad thing but it would be me turning this baby’s life upside down before it’s born.

OP posts:

Obeast · 19/03/2024 17:14

It wouldn't be you upsetting her, or turning the kids life upside down, that's solely on your brother.

You can't believe a word that comes out of your brother's mouth. Tell him to tell his wife, or you will, and don't allow him to bleat about the baby, or whatever the lowlife thinks will get him sympathy.

SemperIdem · 19/03/2024 17:17

Wow that’s a mess.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 17:20

You can't make him, but you can do the decent thing yourself. Your SIL deserves to make decisions on this DC in full knowledge of the situation.

Fraaahnces · 19/03/2024 17:22

Yep… it will be the final nail in the coffin.

Gotmytrombolese · 19/03/2024 17:23

I would go ahead and tell her, your brother is repulsive. She may decide not to continue with the pregnancy, meaning there is a chance there won't be a baby born into this utter mess which is surely a good thing.

SplendidUtterly · 19/03/2024 17:26

Bringing a baby into this utter fucking mess is insanity!
Please tell your SiL what's been going on.🙁

excessivescreentime · 19/03/2024 17:30

No. If anything, having a baby places strain on a relationship.

Pinkmushrooms · 19/03/2024 17:34

BeOliveHare · 19/03/2024 07:40

Just to be clear my brother is disgusting and I wish his wife would find out what he’s done but obviously with her being pregnant it doesn’t feel right to do

Are you the other girl?

Original poster

BeOliveHare · 19/03/2024 18:27

Absolutely not the other girl!

OP posts:

Flyingfoxgirl · 19/03/2024 19:39

I have actually seen almost the exact same situation ! Same timeline, same relationships, same pregnancy because she was running out of time and didn't feel she had the time to find a new partner and still have kids.
Their relationship was awful, zero compatibility, very different tastes but both willing to settle to have the security of family life and kids with time advancing. Both childless when they met they were only together about two years when he started an EA then PA with a co-worker. She was suspicious but didn't have proof and so pressed on TTC. Two years later she got pg, then three months in she found out about the affair. According to the messages she found he had been planning to leave her for the OW before he found out she was pregnant. Once he knew, he broke off with the OW to concentrate on his partner. She forgave him (or rather gave him another chance[ for the baby's sake. Also first baby and fears of being alone and a single mum to a newborn and all those happy family dreams meant that she didn't want to let him go. She caught him twice more cheating with the same women during her pregnancy, but still clung on. When the baby had finally arrived her partner finally gave up the physical affair but still works and hangs out with the OW.

Baby is now nearly 18 months old and her partner is a changed man. Worships his baby and has improved his relationship with his partner. Their relationship problems seem to have been fixed by the baby who they both dote on. The cracks have been filled in as they work together as a team.
Soooo it can work ?! Although I suspect he still has feelings for the OW the fear that he will lose his little family is definately keeping him on the straight and narrow. So yes?

FacingDivorceButSad · 19/03/2024 22:32

No a baby doesn't fix a relationship. If your brother is telling the truth about their relationship why didn't he do anything about it or end it? He is a poor excuse of a husband and soon to be father. A baby won't stop him being a cheat no more than a wife did. I feel for your sil and the baby

altmember · 19/03/2024 23:12

You might as well ask - does a stick of dynamite illuminate a room? A relationship needs to be rock steady to sustain adding a child to the mix.

Your brother is an absolute cf, and it's unfair to bring a child into their toxic marriage. It will end badly.

Falling out of love with your spouse - shit, but it happens,

Cheating on your spouse - shit thing to do,

Staying with a partner you despise just for financial reasons - very shit,

Having a child in these circumstances - utterly stupid.

SilverTay · 20/03/2024 00:06

You and the OW are believing the same shite.

He's rewriting history. You read about it all the time on here. Has sex once in 3 years and wife got pregnant. Never some time together. Loveless marriage FFS it's the script isn't it?

Bet SIL doesn't see it like that.

He's a lying scumbag and lying to everyone. Your poor SIL and poor baby coming into this mess.

God knows what you have to do now you know. And why is he telling you now? So you can sympathise?

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