Leaving an emotional abusive relationship - regrets?

[Ihavenoideawhat]

Sorry, long first time post!
I left my partner of 20 years a few months ago. I'd been unhappy for a long time and was fed up of walking on egg shells. So much I could elaborate on but long story short I left and have been staying with family for the past 8 months with 2 of my 3 dc.
I just wondered if anyone else has left an emotional abusive/coercive control relationship and ever regretted it?
I'm still unhappy, partly because of my current living arrangement, but mostly because my children aren't happy. My eldest decided to stay with her dad but regularly calls me sobbing asking me to "come home" and my youngest attempted to end her own life a few months ago.
I'm unhappy yet I have a much more peaceful life despite the above (plus the constant text messages/voice notes from ex)
Knowing what i know now about how my children have coped with the split I think I would've stayed. Sacrificed my happiness for theirs.

Interested in hearing other people's stories? Is it going to get any better?

I'm so sorry, OP. That sounds awfully hard. Hang on to the fact that although your kids are craving their old life back, that life depended on you putting up with a lot of crap. And you putting up with it is hardly setting them a good example for their future lives.

I’m married and my coworker is in a committed relationship. We talk as friends during lunch maybe once a week. We both admitted that we were attracted to each other last Friday. He tried to kiss me today. I rejected his kiss and told him I was sorry, but I could only ever be his friend. He wanted to talk about it and my first question after rejecting him was how he met his girlfriend. He got upset that I would ask as if that were normal to ask after what almost happened. I was curious to know though because I wanted to know if he just gets girls to break up with their spouses and then when he’s bored goes on to the next one or what. Learned he was with the girl 7 years and she is just now getting a divorce. He kept trying to guilt me into kissing him or I felt like that was what it was…. Because in the end he made me feel terrible for rejecting him. My marriage is emotionally abusive, but my mentor was in a physically abusive relationship and she said no matter what don’t cheat. If you leave, leave with your dignity. . . Do you think what I did what was right? Do you think this guy is a good man as he says he is? Why would he get so angry at me not wanting to act on my attraction to him when we are both in monogamous relationships?

I just wondered if anyone else has left an emotional abusive/coercive control relationship and ever regretted it?

To answer this question, no, not once have I regretted it. Certainly not now 5 years down the line.

A few months is no time at all, especially following a 20 year relationship. It takes time to fully process and heal from an abusive relationship. I didn't actually even start to properly process my past relationship until about six months after I left. I was sort of in a daze for months afterwards. Being in an abusive and coercively controlling relationship is a bit like being institutionalised. You crave your freedom, but once you're free you don't really know how to handle it. There's no handbook for this sort of thing. There is an adjustment period, and you're at the very beginning of this new journey which is the toughest part. I promise things do get better.

Your children are obviously also adjusting; the change is very new and recent for them as well. But I can assure you you've done the right thing for them. Even if children don't directly witness the abuse, they're very perceptive and they're absolutely affected by unhealthy, toxic, and abusive relationship dynamics. They will also find it much easier as time goes on.

Well done for leaving. Abusive relationships get harder to leave the longer you're in them, so the fact you were able to leave after 20 years is truly a testament to your strength, please don't forget that. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Start your own thread

You've done the right thing OP - well done for having the courage to leave an abusive relationship.
I think you'd be sacrificing their happiness as well as yours if you went back.

Thank you for the replies.

I am having counselling but it doesn't seem to be helping with the massive feeling of guilt.
I feel sorry for my ex, despite everything, as he's not handling things too well but also feel pretty angry that he blames me for everything and is bearing no responsibility for his part. Its hard seeing my eldest bearing the brunt of his reactions, whilst I get it via text & voice notes.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy but i underestimated how my dc would react. My parents split when I was a child but they've always been friendly and amicable, I'd hoped we could be too and that our dc could be shielded from any animosity. Face to face we're civil to one another but I know he shouts and rants about me "deserting them" and how selfish I am regularly.
I won't be going back now but I think in hindsight I'd probably have stayed.

I just hope I read this back in the future and see that it was for the best after all.