He is not coming back - any tips on how to cope please!!

[Layla17]

I have not posted for a while as I have been struggling to cope with the fact that on 2nd Feb my dp walked out on me and my dc's aged 3 and 1. He said he still loved me but needed space. We have been together 9 years and got engaged last summer and moved to our new house in the country last september. About the time we moved he started an emotional affair with a woman at work which hit me hard. He says there is nothing between them now but it has made him realise that he needed to sort himself out.

The last 2 months have been hard but my dd's have kept me strong. Things with him have been up and down. He keeps saying he does not know whet he wants and does not know if he still loves me. I have been bending over backwards to be nice to him and play hapy families in the hpoe that he would realise what he is losing.

On monday things came to a head and he basicaly said he wanted the house selling so he could get his own place - long term he hopes we can get back together but at the moment he does not love me. His priority is seeing the kids. Ouch!!! That realy hurt.
I feel as though the last 9 years have been a lie - he would not tell me when he realised he didn't love me but it has obviously been a while.

Can anyone give me any tips on how to cope? I want to keep some happy memories for the sake of my children.
Also, how do you tell a 3 year old that Daddy has left. I don't know whether to wait until we sell the house and he gets his own place because at the moment she is seeing him at our house and thinks he is working away during the week which was normal anyway.
Sorry this is so long!!!

Layla really sorry , this must be so hard. If you want any emotional support there are a great bunch of ladies over on this thread and many of them are in the same / have been through the same situation as you and they are a great source of support and advice to each other am sure you would be welcome.

Been thinking about you and will try and email you.

I am so sorry as i know how much effort you have put into this.

Remember you are strong and you will cope - i would also say dont let him dictate to you when the house gets sold, he may want that and it may be for the best but at the moment you have so much to sort out in your own mind that you do not need to anything until you are comfortable.

Thinking of you lots - take care.

Layla, I'm so sorry it has come to this. Agree that you should NOT sell your house without legal advice -in fact you should get some legal advice if you have not already. Do nothing you are not comfortable with.

sending you hugs xx

Why is he wanting to sell the house? Is it to draw a line under it now?

These things take time anyway - but dont let him sell it cheap for a quick sale - remind him this is money that could go to the girls one day!

There is no need for me to take legal advice as I am a family lawyer so I know where I stand. We own the house jointly. We only bought it last September and at our old house we had a declaration of trust setting out that I got the first 60k as I had put that into the house when we got together. When we bought this one he said that we didn't need a declaration because we were getting married and were a family and everything was joint. Stupidly i did not press the point so when this house is sold I am only entitled to 50% of the equity despite the fact that I put another 35k from savings into the new house.
I know he cannot force me into selling this house without going to court but it is expensive to run and I am still hoping that he will be reasonable and give me more than half the money so I can get a decent house for the girls.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but if only the houses had been in my name - I have always paid the mortgage as I earn a lot more than him.
The only good thing is that I have a good job and we do have a reasobable amount of equity in the house. It just makes me angry that he came in with nothing and takes away a huge amount of cash.
Still, thats life - I won't make that mistake again.
The money is nothing compared to having to give up the children to stay with him.
HW - he has full rights to the children regardless of the fact that we were not married.

hi layla is your dp the one who is infatuated with the born again slut????

As well as all the good advice already posted here Layla, concentrate on focussing on the future and how you're going to make your life better for you and your girls, try to put the past in the past as much as possible and don't dwell on it too much, it's not going to help matters, only bring you down.

Also, have a look at this thread for lots of examples of the good things about being a single parent!

Thanks everyone.
WiiMii - I cannot claim more than 50% because we are not married. Thanks for the tip about teling your ds. I think I will do the same. He wants us to sit her down together and tell her but I do not want to do that. I think she should be told over time as things change ie. we move house etc.
FAWKEOFF - you have a good memory - yes he is the one! He says she is not involved but I do not believe him. I think they must have agreed to leave it a few months before coming out! She won't want a broken family on her conscience. Since I last posted about her she has sent him texts saying how they can provide a wonderful home for my children and how the children will be happier with him and her together because they will sense that he is happy. She also texted him on Xmas Day morning when he was opening presents with his kids to say that she loved him and missed him and wanted them to be together next Xmas day - bitch!!!! How dare she assume that he would want to be hearing from her and seeing her at Xmas rather than being with his children. Sorry i need to calm down!!!
OMDB - you are right but it is very hard to come to terms with. i also dread the day that he gets his own place and dd's go to stay with him. I will be beside myself.

Cross that bridge when it comes, don't worry too much about it yet. Copncentrate on building yourself up to be the srong independant woman you know you are.

It soulds like a horrible situation to have been in tbh, she does sound like a complete bitch. Vent your anger here! That's what MN is for!

Layla, I'm sorry things have come to this point.

I believe that the best advice to follow is to take one day at a time and look forward to the future.

I really don't know if the following would be helpful or relevant to your situation, but I have found it very useful. I have tried to keep positive about all the process by not allowing myself to harbour negative thoughts/feelings. It is impossible for them not to happen, of course, but what I have tried to do is to take a note of the things I can do something about it and try to think of something completely different and positive for those I can't do anything about it. At the end of the day, there is already enough things going around as to make things worse by repeating bad things in your mind again and again.

I refuse to believe my 10 years long marriage has been a waste, because it wasn't, it was very good when it was good and I'm not writing that off just because we are no longer together. So I feel I have not been left empty handed emotionally speaking.

Somebody told me once " Don't be a victim, it disempowers you". And I think that is true, as soon as I took my part of the responsability for the negative things that happened, I have felt in control to change things /avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future.

Obviously, there are ocassions when I feel very low, but I supose feeling low is just part of the process and eventually things will look brighter.

So in the mean time, take one day at a time, it may look like things are unsurmountable at times, but don't forget that soon they will pass.

(((A big hug)))

And forgot to say, there is a book I have found very helpful to deal with DS's issues. It is called Putting Children First

Dear Layla,

I am very sorry to hear about what is happening to you and your children.

I understand you are a family lawer yourself but I still suggest speaking to peers or colleagues about this.

Can you trace/prove that you put the original equity + 35k more into the house? Do you still have the old declaration of trust? I'd say you'd be set to get at least 60% of equity frm the house plus your 35k.

TBH, a friend of mine was locked in a nasty divorce battle and got the whole house (deservedly) and all her debts paid off.

I hope you can solve it amicably but I would try and point out that if he wants a happy stable relationship with happy stable kids, then he should leave them in the home they are comfortable and not be cruel and uproot them even more.

What a cock that guy sounds, a total oxygen thief. And how hard on you to intercept texts from that weirdo freak selling him a 'happy future' which she knows will never happen because SHE HAS SPLIT UP A FAMILY.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you well and hope your dcs will give you strength.

If you can hold off, don't tell them that their father has moved out. Say that he has to work away for a while.

Intuitively, that guy is a liar and tries to mes up your heart and mind: if he wanted to have space and get back together in a while, he wouldn't do something so drastic as in sell the family home. He has no intention of coming back to you, UNLESS THE BORN AGAIN FUCKHEAD LEAVES HIM.

Sorry to be so harsh with words. It's just the same ld story I've been sold so many times (I love you, but I need time n space...) It's bull and in your heart you know it.

Consult another lawyer and get all your docs and bank statements ready.

Big power hug!!

oh layla i am sorry babe....this is gonna be really tough for you but yyou will get through it x...you dont deserve to be with someone who cannot give you their unconditional love and attention. let her fool him into thinking that the kids will be happier and sense that he is happy, they will also sense that you are unhappy. still think you should go to her church on a sunday and tell them all what a whore bag she really is x((((((hugs))))))

Layla, please take this the right way...... I am a doctor, but I do not EVER treat myself or my closest family (i fact any family or friends) because I cannot be objective/dispassionate in the way that is required to make accurate diagnoses. Please see a family lawyer who can advise you as his/her client.....

sending you and your lovely children hugs and very best wishes

lst x

how are things LAyla ?

Layla so very sorry for you take each day as it comes, sending you hugs

Layla I'm a lawyer too, though not a family one. I'd second lemonstartree's advice and don't "self-consult". Get yourself a ballsy kick arsy lawyer of your own. You are in a dark place now and you will most likely feel a bit more empowered and positive if you have someone gunning on your side. The law's only part of it; just someone looking out for YOUR interests here will be a great psychological boost ! Do it !

I have a medical question re kidney infection on baby 10 months old for lemonstarttree??

ok IE, will answer if I can; I m jst taking the dcs to the park for a couple of hours but back later