Do you think income differences can ruin friendships?

[DinDinDin]

Or even, do you find it easy to be friends with people whose income/lifestyle is very different from yours?
I’ll admit that I do sometimes, especially with people who are much better off than me.

Why do you find it hard?

Income shouldn’t really have much of an impact providing you have similar interests and lifestyles. There’s a huge income range across my friendship group - from multi millionaires and old money to those who freelance - but everyone in it broadly shares the same likes and is happy to take part in a similar social lifestyle regardless of earnings. And nobody really thinks of money as much beyond something you earn for the work you happen to do - I don’t know anyone who thinks being a high earneris some form of personal superiority.

Obviously you’re going to have problems maintaining friendships if the higher income friends refuse to eat anywhere without a Michelin star or will only stay in high end hotels or insist on ordering the expensive wine everywhere they go, and the lower earners can’t keep up; or the lower earners have a chip on their shoulder about not having as much and are spiky about it.

@jeaux90 I find it easier to be friends with people who are at a similar “level” as me in terms of job, income, type of house etc. Don’t know why, just seems to have more in common and feel slightly intimidated when I come across people who are much more well off than myself. I suspect this stems from my childhood and the way my parents behaved but nevertheless it’s very much a true feeling I still have today.

One of my closest friends is a multi millionaire. I live comfortably but money is sometimes tight.

Makes no difference to our friendship, we just meet for lunch at a local pub instead of the Ritz 🤷‍♀️ (not that she would ever want to go to the Ritz anyway - far too down to earth)

I used to work for her which is how we met

Personally, no.
I have two friends who are extremely wealthy - one through her career and one through marriage.
I earn minimum wage and struggle financially.
I'm happy for both of them - I love them and would hate for them to have things tough.
They are considerate of our different financial positions and never make me feel uncomfortable about not being able to afford the same things they can. Eg, they don't suggest expensive dinners or outings.

Maybe it helps that we have known each other since childhood?

Well OP what it does when you just hang round with people like you is create an echo chamber. What are you afraid of exactly?

It totally depends on the friendship. My best friend married a millionaire a few years ago now, her and I are incredibly close still but we don’t socialise as a group as her husband only likes to do things we can’t afford every week such as 5* meals, last minute trip to lake Como etc. or they’ll suggest a concert/gig and book the most expensive seats practically on the stage.

I really struggle when she says she’s so busy etc but doesn’t work, has staff and they have no children.

I'll add something actually about myself. I earn six figures, I'm a lone parent, clawed my way back from an abusive relationship and focused on my career, my child and my financial independence. It paid off.

Am I intimidating?

Not in my friendship group. We're really mixed. There's one friend earning £150,000 and another on the minium wage and several friends in between. Makes no difference to any of us.

I know that lifestyles and approach to life can.

I remember when I wasn't working as I'd saved a little and had just sold my place so was living the easy life for a bit. And I had this really cool buisnessy girl mate. I thought she was the bollocks tbh, smart and successful. Definitely the hard working grafter sort though, always on the go.

We'd hang out anything from twice per month to twice per week.

Then one day she made a comment that basically implied I hadn't had to work for what I had (which, wasn't true. I just wasn't working at that time). I pulled her up on it as politely as I could. Over the next few weeks she started drifting away and ultimately vanished.

Her behaviour had hurt me tbh as I was at a point in life where I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with myself and she'd made me feel like I was lazy or something. But I would have forgiven her that one remark. But clearly she either didn't like my different lifestyle/current life stage or didn't like being pulled up on her rudeness. Maybe jealous of me having reached a point where I could take a breather.

I like to think I support women friends no matter their life stage or ideals, so long as they are nice people. But I think some women don't realise how previous girl friends are. They let their own issues amd insecurities and petty jealousy get in the way.

I think it’s often easier if you are old friends whose lives have taken different paths. You remember the old school/uni dynamic and it doesn’t change that much from life circumstances.

DH and I are high earners but one of my best friends has quite a low income. She is very honest about what she can/cannot afford and we do things to suit her budget or my other friend and I will sometimes treat her. Equally she is a loving and generous friend within her resources.

I think it's fine as long as there are plenty of opportunities for the poorer person to spend time with the richer one without straining their budget.

The only time it caused problems was in a group where we had all met doing a particular activity and we travelled together to do it. It's generally a high cost activity and in remote locations so our trips were expensive. A couple
In the group got divorced and the ex wife changed career to something much lower income. She was very resentful that we all wanted to carry on as we were and spent a lot of time suggesting we subsidise her as she was doing something more 'worthy'. It was very difficult and ultimately ended the friendship.

Other than that no- if you are at the higher income end in a friend group though you need to be considerate when suggesting things. I'd have no issue saying I can't afford x, let's do y instead or go without me. My hobbies are quite extreme in cost- either free or very cheap, or stupidly expensive!

Not as such, I've got friends from all different ... as well as friends who I've seen through being directors and being on UC over time. What does affect one friendship is earning double, having a huge house, no responsibilities and constantly whinging to a single parent about how hard their life is.

Yes, it can be awkward. My friends kids, now at private school since she inherited money, "why is your house so small auntie S?"😭

@jeaux90 you know this is anonymous talk board, it's not targeted at you.

Thanks for all the answers. I have this thing for which I feel intimidated if I go to someone’s house and I realise it’s much bigger and more expensive than my (modest flat) one, as an example. That alone makes me think that maybe they’ll judge me if they come to my place and we’ll feel as if we belong to different worlds so might as well not make the effort to become friends.
I echo people saying things are easier with childhood/school friends. I mainly feel this way with people I meet as an adult or other parents in school

If you habitually do activities together that cost money in order to maintain the friendship, this can cause problems if one party now cannot comfortably afford them.

We have more disposable income than our friends and siblings.
We holiday with both and generally choose cheaper locations to meet their budget.
DH and I book our own more expensive holidays alone.
We meet for coffee, walks and cheap days out. No need for extravagant restaurants or activities.

Yes i think so...what I personally find difficult though is not those with money, but those with money who are totally oblivious to the fact that other people may have less and totally unaware of their privilege.

No but it can cause some practical difficulties. We are really good friends with a family who are much better off (we are fortunate to be very well off, however they are super wealthy). We go on holiday with them once a year. For us that is our most expensive holiday. We would probably go away with them for most of our holidays if money were no object. It doesn't affect the friendship though. The fact that their house is ten times the size of ours is also not an issue.

I think in a strong friendship it wouldn't be an issue, but obviously it is easier to be friends with people who have the same sort of spending power as you, and it seems a bit silly to pretend that it isn't.

As has already been stated - your old school mate, who you've known from years still being happy to eat in the local caff or pub with you means you carry on as before. But you being friends with someone who prefers (now they can afford it) to only eat in places where it is going to cost £100per head or more and you immediately have an issue.
Same for everything from (as pp said) going to a gig / theatre / concert / sports fixture, right up to holidaying together.
It doesn't mean you can't be friends, but the one with considerably more money has to be careful to neither only want the more expensive things in life nor to be constantly be paying for the less well off person.

I don't understand how it create an echo chamber. Political views, values and beliefs vary massively across society.

Totally understand how you feel @DinDinDin

I think it’s perfectly normal/natural.

I also think it's more difficult when things change? So if someone marries into a high income, or gets a big inheritance, or moves to a different level of a job. I did it backwards- went from high earning high status to a slower pace of life and I've definitely noticed a couple of friends from my old life treating me like a charity case! I moved to a cheaper city and have a much lower cost of living and feel more secure than I did in the more pressured way of life. But to some of those old friends that looks like failure, and while I'm happy with my decisions, it kind of stings.

I don't think most people base their friendships on income- as noted before though it depends a bit on what you do together and how considerate everyone is!

@Summerhillsquare you are missing the point. Just because someone is "wealthy" it doesn't mean you have nothing in common or they haven't struggled in some way. I find it bizarre to be intimidated by successful or wealthy people.