Really miss him should I give it another go?

[BottomlessBrunch]

Was with ex for 18 months. Emotionally unavailable to the point where it was really getting to me mentally.
I had several conversations where I opened up to him about what I felt was lacking/struggling with e.g he would never compliment me, never tell me he loved me any kind of sweet messages.
I did the majority of driving to him and felt like I was making more of an effort. It was like I was part of his life but he wasn't part of mine.

What he did give me was consistency made time for me whenever he wasn't working or seeing his children. He was generous and cooked for me/took us to places while I was there.

I ended things back in Jan as just felt like I'd given everything but nothing was changing. He said he was devastated but was going back on apps for a fresh start but then proceeded to be in touch for next few weeks saying he would change and please could we try again.

I really really miss him but don't think he can change - he is who he is.
He said he loved me and that he did used to tell me (he never did) it's like he's totally perplexed it got to this point.

I don't know whether it's just being lonely/missing the good parts or whether I should give things another go.

Don’t go back

You don’t miss him, you miss having someone.

hold out and you will find a better man.

Do NOT go back to him. He will NOT change.

It's so hard when all you remember is the good stuff. I found it helpful to write a list of all the bad stuff and whenever I felt wobbly I'd read it and remind myself to stay strong.

You are worth more, do not settle.

You’ll be going back to more of the same behaviour. Could you be bothered?
Save yourself for someone who thinks you are worth some effort.

Get back together with him if you want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable to the point where it's going to really get to you mentally, will never compliment you, tell you he loves your or send you sweet messages, if you want to do the majority of driving to him and make more effort, and feel like he's not part of your life.

How devastated was he to jump straight back on the dating apps? Not very. He doesn't want you, he wants someone. He's totally perplexed you got to this point because he wasn't listening, and he still isn't listening because he doesn't care enough to or he's not able to understand what you're communicating, which is fairly basic stuff.

You're just missing the good points, which don't sound that sparkling to be fair, he consistently let you drive to his house when he didn't have the kids and stuck some pasta on? You can do better. Get together with a single mate and do each other a nice dinner once a fortnight instead. Don't go back for more of Mr Mediocre.

You probably dragged your heels a long as you could before breaking things off. So you know it was the right thing to do.

Right now you're just feeling a little lonely so it's making you think about the good times. But back then you knew the bad things outweighed the good. So much so that you called time.

You made the right move and you know you did.
You also know that going back would be a mistake.

So how can we alleviate your current feeling of loneliness in a HEALTHY way? How about making a point of spending more time with friends? Or, focusing on making new friends. Join a meetup group perhaps. Or, getting a new pet? Or just getting yourself out and about more.

I'd avoid dating for a while as if you meet crap men it'll make you feel worse. Concentrate on filling up your social life in other ways. Maybe a trip away or two.

If he could change, he would've changed whilst you were still together, when you first brought up the issues with the relationship.

When someone's emotionally unavailable, it's very hard for them to change that. If they were to try to change, it would take a lot of ongoing work and probably require therapy. A person who's emotionally unavailable can't just simply decide to not be like that anymore and flip a switch.

There's rarely a good reason to go back to an ex, and in this case I certainly think you'd just be returning to the exact same relationship that wasn't making you happy.

Thankyou for the replies I really appreciate it and they're helping me from the temptation of messaging him. I needed it to hear from other people not just my poor sad brain.

I've cut all ties and we don't live close but yes it's really hard thinking of the nice times we had together.

I've got a couple of nice things lined up this week with people so hopefully each day will get easier. I hate how feelings aren't logical it's so annoying!