Am I being unreasonable

[Confused8888]

My bf 38 and me 35 have been together 3 years and just moved in together. Our sex life has always been horrendous as he suffers with depression and is on medication which kills it yet the rest of our relationship is great. We recently moved in together and before we did I had the conversation with him regarding our sex life and how I wasnt happy and he said itl be better when we live together. It's not it's probably worse. Yet he has tried a few things to help it and nothing has and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable as he is 'trying' from his perspective but nothing is working. We've had sex 3 times in 4 months, hasn't been able to ejaculate hasn't been horny and has lost his elrection everytime which makes me feel not so great. I know your not meant to take it personally but when sex never happens you can't help it. He has tried to reduce his medication dosage but he just felt sad all the time so had to go back up and it didn't help we didn't have sex then, he tried viagra and his penis was numb so he couldn't feel anything. He went to the doctors to have his testosterone levels checked they were normal. He says he feel demascalted and not like a real man. But then yesterday I was away and he told me he tried to furiously matubate to porn to get it to work and he could manage to maintain an erection for a little bit but then lost it. Whilst I was pleased he was open with me.i was so frustrated I asked him why he didn't wait until I got home he said he wanted to try and see if it would work so he didn't disappoint me again. In my head I'm like well you have rigorously gone out it and now it's not going to work when we have sex if we ever do (he said he was squeezing so hard) as its not gonna be the same feeling inside. There is a lot of pressure now as he is saying he is trying everything except therapy which he refuses to do to try and make this relationship work as its making us both feel rubbish but we arent getting anywhere I even wore an outfit one time but I feel like unless I try and initiate it he just doesn't think of it and I barely do as often it doesn't work and I am frustrated after. Am I being unreasonable as he is trying to get it to work but nothing is working? He says he wants a meaningful.and intimate relationship with me and is trying but it just isn't working

There is another post on here today of a woman who is 8 years in and all I can say on these posts is that, if your sex life is bad at the start, it will only ever get worse. Yes sometimes there are temporary fixes but not once have I heard of a relationship starting with a mismatched sex drive / compatibility and then it getting better.

If you are happy to have a sexless relationship then crack on but it doesn't sound like you are so I would cut my losses and move on. All that will ultimately happen is that you will end up looking elsewhere because your needs are not being met.

It's not unreasonable to want a physical relationship. I will say though, the effect anti depressants can have on sex drive and ability to climax can be really strong. I experienced it myself and it ultimately led to me coming off them. No amount of therapy, fancying my partner, porn or anything would have got me going.

You mentioned him being like this before so I'm not sure whether the anti depressants were a factor then, but it's possibly worth a discussion with the GP as I understand there are other types that don't impact libido and ability to orgasm.

@Confused8888

What are the real issues behind the sexual issues you are experiencing currently?

Can you focus on more of intimacy aspects much more such as spending quality time with each in various ways,such as having a breaks away ect
doing hobbies together and having own hobbies,
having a massage, hugs kisses,

rather than sex focused centric of relationship,

I think a vist to doctors 🤔 to explore solutions to his sexual issues problems too..

Hi OP
Everything you describe are standard side effects of taking antidepressants called SSRI's especially at higher doses
Unfortunately there is nothing your partner can do that will change this,
The only options are reducing the dose or consider switching to an alternative antidepressant (although they all have some effect on libido, some less than others)

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to want a full sexual relationship with your SO. You are being completely unreasonable expecting to have that in these circumstances.

Sorry.

You're not married, fucking run!

Why on earth would you date a depressed person who can't get it up? I mean moving in with someone with depression is a risky as fuck move too. What if he comes off his medication? Then you'd be (pardon the pun) really fucked.

There's only so far sympathy should take you.
Time to have some self preservation.

It's well known that most anti depressants can affect sexual function but there are different ones he could try. I would advise a visit to his GP to discuss options.

The poor guy, have a bit of compassion. If you cant live without a full sexual relationship then move on. He cant help being depressed and I should think his anxiety about not getting and keeping an erection makes him feel worse.
Yabu

So...he told her to move in?
He could have said 'give it time we'll work it through' or, ended it. But instead he asked her to move in, promising things would be better. They aren't. He's forcing her hand. Expecting her to make all the big moves and not even willing to get therapy.

Op has had plenty of compassion.
Compassion is not a bottomless well.

He should definitely ask his GP for an alternative antidepressant with less sexual side effects. In the meantime, why not try taking PIV off the menu for a while and widen your definition of 'sex' so that you can both have fun, playful, intimate time together without anyone feeling like a failure. Give yourself a fixed time frame, 6 months perhaps but be realistic, if things aren't significantly better you need to decide if this is a deal breaker.