How can I keep the boundary

[Lattelight]

I have been separated for two years and divorced for 6 months. (I left the marriage)

Every 4/6 weeks my ex starts sending messages stating, what a terrible partner I was in the marriage, how much happier their current partner makes them (things they do together) trying to demand answers about the breakdown of the marriage, sometimes bringing my new partner into the messages and generally causing unwanted stress.

We share children together and the majority of the time we message very little or it is about the children.

I am happily with someone else and wondering if and how I can stop these unwarranted messages. I normally either not respond (though when they start they are over the course of a couple of days) or I ask them to please not send me messages like this. On the occasions I have tried to respond it has caused more aggressive messages.

Can I do anything or is this something which hopefully will eventually stop?

I think you just need to keep repeating that you will only respond to messages about the children.

Literally create a line of text: "I will only interact to messages about our children."

Or something similar. Copy, paste, and repeat.

Keep screen grabs of all the messages, to build a case over time if you need it. Do you have an official custody agreement with your ex? Although these messages are intended for you, I wouldn’t rule out that they are saying negative things to the children, so you may need the evidence to fight in the future.

I think you know that if they were having a happy life with their current partner, they wouldn’t be messaging like this. I highly doubt that their partner is aware of your ex’s behaviour, or if they are, I doubt it they’re happy for your ex to dwell on their past with you.

As the post says above, keep your messages about things concerning the children only and avoid getting drawn into any further arguments, by simply refusing to engage. If ex threatens to bring your DC into things, go back to court with the screen grabs of the messages, as your ex should be looking after the children you share together, or using them as a weapon.

Block his number and tell him you will only communicate by email to discuss the children and anything else will be deleted.

Or just reply 'Lol' when you get an abusive message.

👍
Every time, instantly (so he knows you've barely even bothered to read it).

Maybe consider one of those third party co-parenting apps and block him elsewhere

Tell him that if he communicates regarding anything but the children in future, you will report him for harassment. Then ignore, but keep a record. If he keeps going, follow through and report him for harassment.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps asking your partner to preview the messages first and then you ony see and respond to the ones about children.

Would it stop him if he knew someone else was reading his messages first?

Change the contact email to the person he likes least in your family, your mum or dad?

just reply “ok” to every message which isn’t about the children. He’s looking for a fight, amd nothing takes the wind out of someone sails in these situations like apparently agreeing with them

Thank you for the replies!

I think it would only aggravate them if I said they knew my partner was screening the messages first.

I will stick to the clear and firm do not message me and probably add the harassment part if it happens again.

No official custody agreement either but currently settling a messy financial order which we never did prior to getting divorced.

I would send him 'If you wish to keep communicating with me then you need to only message regarding the children. I have kept a copy of all your abusive and inappropriate messages, and will be reporting you for harassment if you do not immediately cease doing this. I am not interested in your opinion of either myself or my partner and if this happens again I will block your number before seeking a non molestation order against you. I hope this is clear'.

Stop tiptoeing round the fucker. You owe him nothing and who cares if he's aggravated? He's deliberately trying to cause you stress.

Just to check... you don't feel yourself to be in any danger from him, do you, @Lattelight ? The advisable course of action might not be the same, in that case.

No I do not sense any danger from them but it does cause me a great deal of stress when it happens.

Personally, I would only respond to messages about the children/childcare and rise above/ignore anything else. I don't think there's anything you can do to stop him sending messages about 'what a terrible partner you was' and he's clearly not taking any notice of you asking him to stop that. So just bite your tongue, know in your own mind he's talking bollocks, and rise above it.

I have an ex who writes emails like that right down to comparing me to the girlfriend on the pedestal!

If the email is just pure rant - just don’t reply. No response is actually a response.

If you get an email with 2 pages of ranting and then the last sentence says “what time am I picking up the kids?” Then just reply only to that question. Simple unemotional one liners suffice. Also, delay your response by at least a few hours, maybe even a couple of days. Schedule send is absolutely brilliant in that regard. It slows everything down and bores him to tears.

In the early days I would often get multiple ranty emails in a day. He would bombard both my work and personal email accounts. I had to set up a separate email for communicating with him so as to compartmentalise him away from my life and I would only check it once a day. Rather than reply to each email, I would send one brief email replying only to the necessary child related questions. These days he leaves me alone. Giving him a low return for effort really works.

What stops you from laughing at the loon instead?

^^ THIS.

Also you can block him from your regular number and get a "burner" phone which is set aside only for him. Give him that number instead. That way you can choose to check it for messages only when you feel like it.

Similarly set up an email address only for him.

This method allows you to control when/how he is able to contact you.

Do not hesitate to report any abusive communications to the police. He can't do that without consequences and will need to learn the hard way that you are not going to put up with it.

Did you have an affair and leave your partner for your new partner?

So you're saying that if OP did then they should expect abuse and they deserve it?

Where am I saying that?

What's the relevance of asking, anyway? OP might have left for all sorts of reasons. Drink, drugs, DV, didn't want to be married any more - odd that you leapt to having an affair.

I would block him and use only emails.
Would that work for you?
Do you see them in person? Say in person to stop the questions you have all moved on.

Was interested as a reason why the ex keeps bringing the new partner into it. Didn’t ask with any inference and it’s not a leap

The op has been careful to refer to the ex as they.