I have a newborn, friend lost her baby - how to navigate

[Ivorymoon]

I have a beautiful friend I’ve been friends with all my life, I’m close to her family and we say we are more like sisters than friends. We have not lived in the same place since school but always kept in touch and visited each other. My friend has lived thousands of miles away for the past decade, but we’ve always been in frequent contact.

I have a 3 month old baby. I found out 3 weeks ago (via my friends sister, who I’m also good friends with) that my friend had a late stage miscarriage at 5 months pregnant. She had to be induced and was in hospital for a week. Her baby was cremated last week. I am devastated for her and cannot stop thinking about the pain she must be experiencing. Her baby was the same sex as mine and she has now given her baby a name. I have hardly heard from her since she found out her baby did not have a heartbeat, which is totally understandable. Thankfully her partner has been supportive and she’s been in contact with her sister, who has been updating me with how my friend is doing.

I have sent my friend supportive messages, saying that I don’t need a reply and I just want her to know I am thinking of her and love her. I’ve also sent her a self care package with a card, I wrote a heartfelt message and included her babies name which I felt was important. We used to talk about how our babies would be cousins and the same age, I could visualise us all together so clearly, and I fear that my baby being the same sex as hers will always be a reminder of what she has lost. I understand that pregnancy and babies will be very difficult for my friend to be around now. The distance makes things so much harder too as she is an international flight away so I can’t see her in person.

The whole situation is heartbreaking. I’ve also been struggling with postpartum health issues and extreme anxiety which I’ve sought support for. I don’t really know what I want from this post, I suppose I am worried that there may be a permanent chasm in our friendship and any ways to mitigate this? I don’t know when my friend will want to speak with me again as I think knowing I have a young baby is too painful currently. I’m just going to do my best to check in and ‘be there’ from afar. Any advice or experiences would be much appreciated.

It may be there will be apermanent chasm, but you sadly cannot do anything about it. With a loss like this, there is nothing that can help- no words or gestures make it better. She may always think of you and your baby and think back about her loss. I would leave it where it is and leave her time and space to heal. You mean well, but anything more- if I was the friend, would be rubbing it in. She knows you are there, if she wants to reach out, she will.

You sound like a caring and supportive friend.

Unfortunately there's not a lot you can so if its too painful for her to continue the friendship.

It's still all very raw right now, and will be for quite some time, so just try and keep the lines of communication open with no pressure on her to reply.

If I'm honest, after the deaths of my children, I walked away from lots of people, there was a lot that was too painful for me to deal with. It's absolutely no reflection on them and it's all about me.

You need to give her some space to start healing.
It's lovely that you've sent her something and messaged, but if you keep messaging her despite saying no pressure to reply it will likely give her one more thing to be worrying about.
How to reply to be polite or tell you she needs space without her sounding rude etc is probably too much for her right now.
It's very hard and may take many months/years for her to be in a better place, I speak from experience having lost my first child at 7 months pregnant, and my friend was 5months went on to have a healthy baby.
17years later we still chat but our closeness was somewhat lost because yes looking at her child even now brings that grief back.
Just give her time, she knows you're there for her X

Keep sending her messages keep the contact up no matter what … even if she doesn’t reply she maybe not able to at the moment . I think when grief comes in your door it is sometimes normal to shut the world out as it’s too painful . But that doesn’t mean that silence until a person is ready is the way to go
you are a good friend so keep doing what you are doing

I've every sympathy for your friend but she really should have replied to your messages. If you lived in same place of course seeing you would be tough but how hard is it to reply to a well intended message from a close friend.

I disagree with other posters, I'd sadly now step back and let her contact you if and when she is able. Grief is of course terrible, that is why we need the support of our closest friends.

I don’t think she needs to have replied yet. The baby’s funeral was only last week. I’ve had a late loss and could only deal with my parents being around at that point. I did message my friends, but it was several weeks later - and fortunately for me, none were pregnant at that time. I would have struggled with it. I do still struggle when I see babies the age mine would have been. However, I’m don’t think this necessarily means there will be a chasm forever. For me, things have improved since becoming pregnant again (though obviously that is itself hugely anxiety-inducing).

I would say to be patient. I always appreciated messages even if I wasn’t always in a suitable state to reply to them. Keep the pressure off, as you have, and just check in from time to time. Hopefully she will slowly come back to you.

I don’t think she needs to have replied. She will be going through the most horrendous time (sadly I know something of what she is feeling). If you’ve messaged and said you’re thinking of her - leave it now for a while and let her grieve. You can always check in again in a while if she hasn’t been in touch. It may be painful for her to respond at the moment.

It's very hard.

Lots of people are well intentioned after your child dies, and it requires a massive amount of emotional labour to reply to anyone.

She needs to focus on herself and getting herself through each second just now.

Maybe some people need their closest friends, but many of us just try and navigate things ourselves, or even rely on acquaintances because sometimes it's easier to talk to people who aren't emotionally invested.

Give it time, OP. She is grieving. Her baby died.

I say this carefully, but you are making this a bit about you. She doesn't need to reply to you. You don't need to keep messaging in order to make yourself feel good about supporting her.

You've said your bit. You have a live baby. Give her some space.

Thanks for the replies. So sorry to hear of the losses of your precious babies 💐

I’ve been mindful that people can avoid / withdraw when a friend is going through something so horrific, and I did not want to do this. We’ve both got tricky relationships with our parents and supported each other throughout our lives, without fail. However I recognise this is different and sadly I am not the person who is safe to support her currently, as knowing I have a young baby is too upsetting. I’ve learnt that she is speaking with her sister and another friend (neither have children) so I know she is being supported, which is what matters. It does feel strange and sad that we aren’t in much contact, after 20 years of having a very different dynamic, but it’s totally understandable and she needs space to grieve.

I think a previous poster was right in highlighting that my friend probably feels she has to reply to me and would worry about me being offended, so I do not want to add to her stress further. She won’t have received my package yet, but I will let her take the lead when it comes to contact. It is such early days.

i think you need to remember that youve told her she didn’t have to answer to your messages.
So the fact she hasn’t shouldn’t be a surprise. She is taking the time to catch her breath knowing you won’t be upset if she doesn’t get back to you straight away.

It’s also very very early days. She knows her sister is keeping you up to date. You need to give her a bit of time there.

Fwiw I dint think that what happened will automatically mean she won’t speak to you anymore etc…