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Original poster

Unintentionally hurt a friend

27 replies

LaChatte · 17/03/2024 07:33

I recently put my foot in it with someone I really like at work (we also socialise outside of work too).
She's been complaining about her waste of space man-child cock-lodging partner for as long as I've known her. Last week she asked DH if he was free to help her move his stuff out of their house. I was surprised and asked her what was happening and she said she though she'd told me that they were splitting up. I reacted by saying congratulations and she started to cry, saying how she was 40 and now a single parent. I tried to comfort her and get her to focus on the positive side of things and she eventually seemed OK.
DH told me later that saying congratulations wasn't the appropriate response (I have form for doing stuff like this but I never intend to hurt anyone and its never until DH tells me after that I understand why it's insensitive).
Anyway I wanted to try and make it up to her, DH says I should probably just leave it as she knows that I don't do these things intentionally, but I can't help thinking about how I've hurt a friend and want to make it better.
Would it be best to follow DH's advice or should I do/say something to friend?

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 17/03/2024 07:41

How is your DH so close to her? If iy were me, I would absolutely apologise. Whilst you meant no harm at all, and she probably knows this deep down, it's a highly emotive time for her. I'd reach out, explain you meant no harm and that you just wished her the best as you know all that she has been through. She is probably missing your friendship right now.

Hiddenvoice · 17/03/2024 07:41

I understand why you said congratulations but this woman’s life is falling apart so she’s not celebrating at the moment. I agree with your dh, I wouldn’t do anything just now and next time you see her I would gently explain that it was a bit of word vomit and you’re sorry for sounding insensitive. Just be a shoulder to cry on right now

Original poster
LaChatte · 17/03/2024 07:45

Humanswarm · 17/03/2024 07:41

How is your DH so close to her? If iy were me, I would absolutely apologise. Whilst you meant no harm at all, and she probably knows this deep down, it's a highly emotive time for her. I'd reach out, explain you meant no harm and that you just wished her the best as you know all that she has been through. She is probably missing your friendship right now.

We all work together (teachers) and her and DH are both really active union members so are close (also I have LC so am not much use for helping with the move).

OP posts:
Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 09:59

To be honest Id probably appreciate congratulations more than anything else, she got rid of a waste of space idiot and she knew he was one, so not like you revealed to her something that she was unaware of. But people have different boundaries, she is clearly feeling very emotional so I would say something along the lines that sorry maybe your choice of words were not the best but you meant well and end it there.

Original poster
LaChatte · 17/03/2024 10:00

DH pointed out that I didn't actually know the reason for the split. He said maybe he left her. I feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 17/03/2024 10:05

Probably irrelevant, but why is she the one organising his stuff to be moved?
Why isn't she just leaving him to it instead of asking your dh to do it for him?

DrJoanAllenby · 17/03/2024 10:06

A solute my nothing wrong with what you said. Don't go grovelling. She made a poor choice of partner and finally ended it and you were congratulating her.

Your husband is right, just leave it or it will end up making a mountain out of a molehill.

Remember, being offended is a choice.

Original poster
LaChatte · 17/03/2024 10:19

StarlightLime · 17/03/2024 10:05

Probably irrelevant, but why is she the one organising his stuff to be moved?
Why isn't she just leaving him to it instead of asking your dh to do it for him?

When I described him as a cock lodging man-child I really wasn't exaggerating. She's even arranged for him to be given furniture from another colleague which is part of the move DH is helping with. Oh and she's giving him 30 000€ to get him off the deeds to their house (they weren't married, he hasn't contributed a single penny towards the mortgage but she accepted to have his name on the deeds because he's the father to her 2 kids).

OP posts:
Original poster
LaChatte · 17/03/2024 10:49

DrJoanAllenby · 17/03/2024 10:06

A solute my nothing wrong with what you said. Don't go grovelling. She made a poor choice of partner and finally ended it and you were congratulating her.

Your husband is right, just leave it or it will end up making a mountain out of a molehill.

Remember, being offended is a choice.

I don't think she was offended, just really upset about the whole situation and I upset her even more. I won't make a bug fuss but I will try and talk to her this week to apologise for being tactless.
I really do need to think before blurting things out (even if it's exactly what everyone else is thinking too).

OP posts:
Anameisaname · 17/03/2024 10:52

Just apologise for being tactless. Don't beat yourself up too much. We all say the wrong thing at times

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2024 10:53

I'd have said the same, in fact I have in the past when a mate has got rid of their awful partner.

Microdisney · 17/03/2024 10:56

Just leave it. I know you say you socialise outside of work, but if she didn’t actually tell you she’d split with her longtime partner until she wanted your DH to move her ex’s stuff, I don’t think it’s really a friendship, more a collegial relationship.

rooftopbird · 17/03/2024 10:57

I'm have a friend in a similar situation and I would never congratulate her if she got rid of him. The response should have been 'how are you feeling, how can I support you through this awful time'.

Offer an apology via text first and offer your support, trying to justify yourself and your initial response will only dig the hole deeper.

rooftopbird · 17/03/2024 10:58

*I not I'm

hopscotcher · 17/03/2024 11:07

I'd leave it, unless she's told you herself that she's still hurt by it. It may not have been completely the right thing to say at that time, but it sounds as if you were also supportive to her and will continue to be as she goes through this.
Also, given that she's been complaining to you about him for a long time, I'm not even sure it was an inappropriate response!

Original poster
LaChatte · 17/03/2024 11:23

Microdisney · 17/03/2024 10:56

Just leave it. I know you say you socialise outside of work, but if she didn’t actually tell you she’d split with her longtime partner until she wanted your DH to move her ex’s stuff, I don’t think it’s really a friendship, more a collegial relationship.

No, we're definitely friend friends. We hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks and I knew she was having other family related issues so when I saw her I gave her a big hug. When she asked DH to help with the move a week later that's when I found out and she was sure she'd told me (and that that was why I'd hugged her).

OP posts:
Circumferences · 17/03/2024 11:30

They were probably tears of relief!
In a shit situation as it is, she knows she has good friends to rely on and she's finally got rid of a cock lodging waste of space.

PlumbersWifey · 17/03/2024 12:42

Congratulations seems like the best response if what you've said is true. Just move on.

LakeTiticaca · 17/03/2024 12:44

Well hopefully now he's gone you won't have to listen to her endlessly droning on about what a useless cocklodging waste of oxygen he is.
Well, that's if she ever speaks to you again 😉

Seaoftroubles · 17/03/2024 13:42

Next time you see her just say sorry you were a bit tactless and that your comment was to said to support her, not to offend her. I'm sure all will be well and expect she will still want to chat to you about his shortcomings in the future!

Charley50 · 17/03/2024 14:58

I wouldn't worry about it and I wouldn't say anything. I don't know why your DH is trying to make you feel bad. It's really not unusual to congratulate a friend for leaving a loser.

5128gap · 17/03/2024 15:16

I very much doubt the tears were because you said congratulations. I'd imagine they were pretty near the surface anyway. You're clearly a good friend and good friendships don't rest on never ever accidentally saying the wrong thing. If it makes you feel better, send a message saying sorry you were tactless. But keep it brief and light in a 'by the way..' kind of style, as you don't want to give her something else to deal with.

xyz111 · 17/03/2024 17:07

I would buy her some flowers and say I'm sorry if I offended you the other day.
I'm sure you didn't but at least you e made a gesture if you have for a friend.

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 17:15

Charley50 · 17/03/2024 14:58

I wouldn't worry about it and I wouldn't say anything. I don't know why your DH is trying to make you feel bad. It's really not unusual to congratulate a friend for leaving a loser.

This... the DH is strangely invested in this as well 😅

Original poster
LaChatte · 17/03/2024 18:26

Wouldyouguess · 17/03/2024 17:15

This... the DH is strangely invested in this as well 😅

Show quote history

She's DH's friend too. I just have an unfortunate habit of saying out loud what most people keep to themselves or wait until the concerned party is out of earshot 🙄 . Usually it doesn't really seem to matter, but this time it did.

OP posts: