Dh and I have been together for 7 years, married 5. I have a dc from a previous relationship who has never had contact with her bio dad (his choice, he’s a wasted.) Me and dh have had issues on and off since 2020 and have separated on 3 occasions, did a year of counselling which helped a little. We moved to another country in 2022 to get a huge pay bump for him (though I couldn’t keep my
job and took a pay cut in the one I’ve had here for 2 years though I enjoy it more and have more time for dd.)
The cracks are massively showing. We are distant from each other. Every time (rarely) we get a sitter and go out for drinks or dinner we either run out of stuff to talk about after talking about dd or we argue. We just got back from drinks tonight wiile
dd is at a sleepover I organised (as I do all the childcare) and he spent most of it poo pooing a lot of what I said. We got on the subject of seeing bands live, which I loved in my teens/twenties, and as I talked about why I liked it he was like (eye roll face) “I just don’t understand that at all” “who would do that”. He makes little jabs at me
all the time. Sighs heavily all the time. Says we never have sex and I reject his advances (such as annoying innuendos ans him griping me.) His hygiene is bad - bitten fingers and cuticles, bad breath, considerable weight gain. He just wants to game and watch sport or otherwise he goes to bed before 10pm leaving me on the sofa. He’s sulking at me now, as he does often, because he says I’m ‘being funny’. He also seems irritated whenever dd who is 9 talks to him. She is like a vessel for his annoyance. He says shes bratty, he laughs when she gets upset about normal 9yo stuff, he games on headphones and doesn’t engage with her for hours.
but. A big but. If I leave H, me and dd have to leave this country that is now her home. She loves her many friends. She even has kind of an accent here, she loves it here. She has a room she loves, full of her things. It’s a better place, a better life than I could give her on our own, at least materially. But I hate being so mercenary. I hate knowing a large part I am still with H is money when we have so little left holding us together. We aren’t intimate, we don’t enjoy each others company that much, I resent him in many ways.
Should I try and make this work? How? Genuine suggestions please. Is this life better for her? When I had dd as a single mum in mid 20s everyone thought we would have a shit life but here we are living abroad in an amazing place and she’s happy in many ways. I feel I have to keep this going for her even if I just want to fly home and be with my mum and get a little
house and fall apart and rebuild. She hates the idea of me and her stepdad not being together. Even though he’s not that amazing at all to her.
i did love him. Even despite his faults- mainly the sulking and immaturity - I married him in good faith. I thought we would have dc but we have both said we can’t see that happening any time soon due to our issues, and I am mid 30s, I know I am a ticking time bomb. I wonder if I could love him like that again. But I don’t even want sex with him, it makes me cringe. I find him dull. Am I selfish? He just feels safe and I’m clinging to what I know. He probably feels the same about me. I know the grass isn’t greener though.
what the hell should I do? Please help me.