Help me understand my relationship with dh

[ItslateandIcantsleep]

Heading says it all really.
weve been together 14yrs and lately the way we are has been getting me down.
I cant say I dont love DH but i'm not sure if I do either.

Theres no physical intimacy between us and I feel that really we just exist together. We dont argue over anything major but we dont have fun either. We dont go out as a couple as we both feel that we have nothing to speak about.
What I dont know is if the way I feel towards him (indifference) is the way a relationship would feel after 14yrs or if its a sign that somethings not right. I dont want to seperate and look for love only to find that 14yrs down the line its exactly the same as it is now and thats just the way things go.
I just cant work it out in my head if this is the way it goes or if this is a sign its wrong.

I haven't got anything useful to say, but when you write something like that at 3am you want someone to reply don't you?

Actually I'm in a fairly similar position, but I won't leave him as we have a comfortable life and the kids would never forgive me. As for whether all relationships end up like that, I'd say possibly not, but that's not to say that the next one you chose wouldn't.

Yep. My situation too. Same reasons as yours foofi

I think that 14 years is a long time to be with someone and it's really easy to fall into a trap of just existing together.

If you are not happy with your relationship then change it.

Find new challenges to take on together and create new subjects of conversation.Your relationship will only be what the two of you make it.

You have to try an put some time in together as a couple. Of course you have things to talk about - family/news/books you have read - just make it up.

Make yourselves go out toget her and chat
Try being nice to him, complimenting him
try making an effort - that is fundamental in a marriage
It is not always perfect

there's that annoying saying: marriage is work. so i think you've got to work at being intimate and making it fun again. book a surprise weekend away, sign up to do a class together, try spice things up a little.

I felt like this, 20 odd years in. I begged DH to talk to me, he said "there is nothing left to talk about, when we have grandchildren we will have something to talk about" I love him with all my heart, more then anything but I left.

I would say work on yourself - a book i read said you should treat your partner like your best friend - are you treating him like a friend.

I was talking to my dd last night and was saying that too many people just 'drift' along in life without really finding what they want. I have been there too and sometimes we just dont know what we want - we just do what we think is 'the normal' thing to do and then we look back and say 'what was all that about?'

Could you take some time to find what you want and see if that sparks something in your marriage?

Good luck - marriage is work but no more than any other realationship imo. Good luck.

It's clear something is wrong or you wouldn't be worrying about it, but it isn't necessarily something fundamentally wrong in your relationship. It might be a good, sea-worthy vessel that just needs a bit of tarting up. Or it might be a complete rust bucket that no amount of paint will keep afloat. What do you think?

I would asy its very easy to get 'stale' after 14 years. Habits form you can start to take each other for granted. You say you don't go out as a couple as you don't feel you ahv anything to speak about, well perhaps you could try going out and doing stuff like go to the cinema, an art exhibition, museum, amusement park, that way you can have fun together and have something to talk about afterwards. maybe it'll kick start something for you, and if not you know its something deeper going on
hope it works out for you

you need to tackle this head on....

after 14 years with my partner i felt like that and after facing up to it, what we both realised was that we were best friends but nothing more than that. I left the relationship because i needed more than just friendship from my significant other. It was the hardest decision of my life, but subsequently we both have new partners and are very happy with life.

I have a few couple friends who reached a similar point at a similar time in their relationship.....they faced up to it, talked it through and worked at figuring out how they really felt. Some of them split, but some of them have gone on to rediscover their love for each other and are happier than ever.

In hindsight i'd felt something wasn't right for far longer than i'd let myself realise......and facing up to it was emotionally very hard, but ignoring it was making me ill in the end.
Talk to each other, and if you can't make headway yourselves then i'd suggest going for couples counselling to help you....

Hello itslate,

could you try to take up a new hobby with him or do something together one a week which will break the rut and let you experience things together.

I agree with HW and Pheebe, you were attracted to each other once. If nothing has changed fundamentally, then with a little bit of a new spark you might find you're still the same couple drawn to each other, just a bit more comfortable.

Get a chessboard out and a good bottle of red and play, or read a book or article and ask him what he thinks...sometimes it can be really surprising and you realize that you never know all about the person you're with.

Plan a day out where once you're in charge, once him. On your day you take him somewhere and plan it all and talk about what you saw in the evening. Like dating really.

If you want to spice things up, why not get yourself nice new lacy gear and leave a little memo in the tea jar that will lead to another place in the house where he might find an adult toy or sexy book with a new note which will lead him to another place in the house where he'll have to pick up a pearl necklace (something suggestive), etc. with all these memos ultimately leading to the bedroom and a nice bottle of champers and you in your sunday best ;-)

I don't know what this game is called in English, but it's actually quite fun.

No, all relationships are not the way you describe.

You are neither physically intimate nor emotionally (intellectually) intimate. One of you will find love elsewhere at some point if you carry on like this - humans are not meant to be isolated in this way.

You need to go for counselling IMO, to get the dialogue going again. I don't know whether your relationship will recover, but at least give it a go .

Thats for the suggestions and comments.

We have the opputunity to do something each week as my mum would look after the kids its just finding the inclination to want to go out.

I remember why I fell in love with him but somewhere along the line weve just forgotten that it was once fun. We come home from work, sort out the kids eat dinner and go to bed barely even talking to each other, or at least if I do talk you can tell that he isnt really listening.
I guess im going to have to tell him how I feel and see what we can do to make a go of it.
I feel as if im just coasting through life, apart from my children there isnt really anything I feel matters to me.

Talking about it will be a good start. You can immediately see how he reacts. Maybe he feels the same.

I think it's important to try and experience things together. Having memories together of experiencing fun or delight with your partner next to you.

Have you ever thought of doing something in the community or taking up a course or learn something new? Maybe you could think of what you enjoyed a lot but have given up or would have liked to try but never got 'round to.

I'm wishing you all the best!