Is our marriage salvageable?

[Muminthewest]

We’ve been together for 23 years (married for 14). We have an 8 year old and a 5 year old. There is no physical intimacy between us. Our last hug was over a year ago and was because a room of people were saying ‘happy new year’ and all hugging each other. It’s been years since we last had sex.

We’re both fairly broken by our anxieties (me - General Anxiety Disorder, and him - Health Anxiety/OCD) and our daily life with kids. We’re both angry, and sad, and exhausted. We have no energy or will to support each other emotionally. We have no support from either of our family. No break from the kids. Ever. We haven’t had a single night just the two of us since the day our eldest child was born - over 8 and a half years ago. I’ve suggested it and even went as far as to book something one night in a hotel a few years ago which he cancelled because he thought it was too inconvenient to his parents.

We are failing, and we are breaking, and I fear that we will break our kids. After 23 years the thought of separating feels really scary. I doubt anyone who might respond to this post will have been with someone for that long and broken up? I can’t imagine it. But with everything I’ve said above, is it inevitable?

To me, staying seems scarier. Easy to say though. I wish you luck and giving your post a bump x

I was with XH for 30 years and we broke up, it happens all the time! Eventually the idea of staying with him felt scarier than the idea of leaving. This may or may not happen to you two. Have you considered couples counselling? Can you confide in a family member, get some time without the DC and see what is still there between you? I believe if we had had that opportunity, we might have stayed together.

Good luck OP. Please be assured that there is no certainty that your DC will be ‘broken’ if you split up. Again, it happens all the time. People, including children , get back on their feet all the time.

My marriage ended last year. We had been together over 20 years. Think it was 22. Starting over was nerve wracking. But totally possible. And amazing.

No, I only got to 11 years with the dh, eight of those married, one child. All a long time ago.

Do you want a loving relationship with him?
Does he want a loving relationship with you?

Be ready to look at the hard answers to those questions, before you ask.

I remember being very scared when the ex and late and I split up but then, I have GAD too and I'm always bloody scared. In a thread recently a poster said her newly-separated sister was almost 'in a coma'. I was like that. It was horrific. But it passed.

Think about what you want, and go for it. If that means trying again with the husband, give it one last shot. Put a time-limit on it - a year, say. Or, decide you've had enough, and break free now.

To me this sounds like things are hard and you're both exhausted. It's hard having kids without support around you. I'm not hearing you criticise him or him being nasty to you from what you've said in your post. Can you afford to treat yourselves to a babysitter regularly and get out- see a film, see a band, give yourselves something more interesting to think about and talk about than the daily grind? Separating wouldn't reduce the housework, childcare or other demands, just the available money and give you each a break now some of the time while the other has the kids- which you could do for each other without separating. You don't sound like you have specific conflicts you need counselling to resolve, so I'd say better to spend the cash on babysitter, cleaner, fun, whatever cheers you up and see if you feel better about the relationship then. Unless there are specific conflicts feeding that anger, if so I would think counselling the way to go. Good luck.

Thanks for this. Were any of the feelings I described the same for you when you broke up?
We are going for our first couples counselling session in a week but he doesn’t like that kind of thing so not sure how it will pan out. I hope she gives us some things to think about, approaches we can take and questions we can ask ourselves.
Re someone taking the kids for a night or two. Perhaps… my side of the family aren’t able to support very well, but could at a push. Otherwise it would be asking my husbands sister.

Can I ask - do you have children? How old were they went you split up and taking everything into consideration, was it better for them, overall?

Thanks for your reply.
What helped you most to make it possible? I get on really well with his family and ‘his’ friends, I would be devastated to sever all that. Did you have your own family to fall back on? Things arent straightforward with my own family, so fear I would fall alone into a chasm and never get out. I would need to rely on friends and they wouldn’t have the time or capacity to see me through the hard bits, perhaps.
We live in a very nice middle class town and across the whole primary school I can think of only 2 divorced/selarated couples. The divorce rate is teeny tiny.

Thank you for your positivity. We do care for each other underneath but there’s resentment there too. I’m almost scared to lift the stone up and have a look under it in case there’s less affection there than I think.
All really good ideas re getting out, etc. it would all need to be instigated by me as he’s not proactive, nor would he want to spend the money on it 😕 but worth a try. We’re so broken and fragile we’d probably just spend a night in a restaurant staring into the distance, trying to let our nervous systems stop ringing, our frustrations simmer down, and our muscles relax. We’d probably need a few go’s before we’d actually connect or talk properly.

I disagree that separating wouldn’t reduce the housework, childcare, etc. The opposite because the kids would sometimes just be with him! (Joke, not joke)
He works from home so I never get the house to myself. He’s always here. I’d get a proper break from it all and space to breathe in an empty house, which never happens now. I’m an introvert (very sociable at times, but at heart an introvert and really need my own space to recharge my battery) so I really need this.