How to deal with friend's feelings

[friendproblems122]

We are both mid thirties and have been friends for over a decade. Both single women living on our own and navigating life with full time jobs and trying to run our homes on our own. (neither of us have children but we would like to)

Up until recently, I felt we genuinely had each others backs, were best friends and cared for each other/wanted the best for each other. Life hasn't been easy for us. But since this has happened, she seems to have become off and moody/bitter towards me and I don't know what to do!

She has been in an on/off situation with someone for a long time, I think she likes him more than he likes her and he doesn't always treat her well, which I tell her a lot and say she can do much better. When things are going well with the guy, she is in a great mood, but feels down when she isn't getting what she wants from him (proper long term relationship) but won't break it off for good.

A few weeks ago, we went out for some drinks and got dressed up for it. We took a few photos which she uploaded to facebook. The guy she is 'seeing' sent her a private message saying we both looked great with a wink emoji. She got upset about this and said he shouldn't be telling her he finds me attractive. I told her it doesn't matter because I don't like him and not to overthink it. But she seemed to be upset about this all night and into the next day. Bringing up that she found it offensive he suggested he fancied her best friend with everything they have been through and done together. Again, I told her I don't have any interest in him.

About 5 days went by where I hadn't heard from her (unusual) so I called her and asked if she was ok. She ended up going into a bit of a rant about how things are easy for me (they are not) and how my life is better. I bought a little house last year whilst she is renting, she used as an example. And how my job is much better paid than hers (it isn't) and this guy would have me, again, I said it isn't important. She actually said 'I'm jealous' which was very strange as I've never felt this from her before. After this conversation, things felt fine again, but I'm sensing actually they are not and I feel quite upset as I don't think I've done anything wrong and don't want her to feel this way about me. I don't want to loose my friend but I feel hurt by what has surfaced and how she may actually not want the best for me after all.

Should I give her some space for a bit?

Blimey. A guy was just giving a compliment and acknowledging that you were both dressed up and looking nice, it would have been a bit odd for him to comment just about her when the pic was of both of you. My DH would have commented on us both and I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, I would have just told you that DH said we both looked lovely.
He is clearly messing with her head, I’m not sure what you can do until he is out of the picture tbh, but I’d be wary of giving her too much space, it sounds like she’s going to need her best friend.

It sounds as though he might be more damaging to her than you thought and has been chipping away at her self esteem. This new jealousy she feels towards you probably stems from a feeling of inadequacy he may have instilled in her. She probably feels jealous of a lot of women.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel hurt by this change or entirely put up with it but as PP said this might be a very bad time to withdraw and that might be exactly was he wants.

But to be honest I thought his text was fine, quite sweet even. If he’d wanted to be divisive he could have only mentioned how nice you looked. Is it at all possible your friend might be causing more problems in their relationship than you realise?

Wow, she sends a photo of you both dressed up to her new fella, he sends a perfectly reasonable text back complementing you both and he's getting grief for it....only on MN!!
Op, YANBU, your friend sounds jealous of you and I'd be keeping my distance for a while.

I think she likes him more than he likes her and he doesn't always treat her well, which I tell her a lot and say she can do much better.

This is a tricky situation. It sounds as if she had not taken on board what you have been telling her about this guy, and somehow his admiring your appearance brought it home to her and she can't handle it.
Sadly, she doesn't seem to be able to manage the situation with the guy or the friendship with you in her own best interests.
I'm afraid I can't offer a solution beyond what you've already done to try to mend the relationship. It's hard to feel that a friend is much better off; life is inherently unfair. But there are also some people (funny, I just ran into one of them this morning!) who feel that everyone else in the world has it better than they do whether it's true or not - it's just their personality.
I would probably agree with @TheDuck2018 that it's not a bad idea to give her some space for a while and see how things go.

It's a lot more than his comment about the photo.

He might comment on other women all the time for example.

Your friend's self esteem is being eroded by an expert.

However, that doesn't mean you have accept the harshness she's doling out to you.

I would step back and just stay quiet. I don't think anything you say will be taken well by her.

It sounds like she’s directing a lot of things at you that aren’t really about you, and there’s not much you can or should do really.

Unfortunately this does leave you needing to give her space, including for your own sake.

Step away for a bit but remains friendly. She will come around.

Definitely agree step away. The things she’s said to you are hurtful and she can’t take them back.

I would expect an apology from her tbh. And be a bit more guarded about the information you give away about yourself to her going forward.

And I’d stop all talk of this guy in future. She’s grown to expect you to be ok with her blowing hot and cold depending on how things are with him. Taking out her moods on you.

Stop telling her what you think of him. I’d cut her off every time she starts “I don’t think we should talk about this”, “I don’t want to waste my time with you talking about him”.

No, I think you should give her some space permanently.

Yes you should give her space. She sounds insufferable. Also I wouldn't keep engaging in conversation about this man. Whatever she's getting from him is working for her so you criticising him is falling on deaf ears. Just disengage from the whole thing.

I wonder if the issue is to do with how you’ve been responding. Repeatedly telling her you’re not interested in him so it doesn’t matter is just affirming that if you were interested you might have him. I would have responded that he wasn’t interested in me because he likes her and he was just being polite in his message. Also agree with others her self esteem from this relationship is obviously incredibly low. If she’s been a great friend I would try to support and resolve.

While I agree with what a lot of the posters here are saying, ie this is all a bit ridiculous and you shouldn’t have to apologise etc, it does also sound as if you’re invalidating her feelings a little. She’s basically said she’s envious of you and you’re shutting down what she’s saying. ‘Buying a little house’ for example is actually quite a big deal to someone who’s renting and struggling. It sounds as if everything feels a bit shit to her, from her career to her living situation to her relationship, and I think you should in turn ‘own’ the fact your life is, on paper at least, better than hers right now. This doesn’t mean you should feel guilty or apologise for it, but I do wonder whether you should perhaps take a step back and consider whether you’re shutting her feelings down and she’s feeling frustrated and ‘unheard’ because of this.

@friendproblems122 - your friend has overreacted but I agree with this:

“I wonder if the issue is to do with how you’ve been responding. Repeatedly telling her you’re not interested in him so it doesn’t matter is just affirming that if you were interested you might have him. I would have responded that he wasn’t interested in me because he likes her and he was just being polite in his message. Also agree with others her self esteem from this relationship is obviously incredibly low. If she’s been a great friend I would try to support and resolve.”

Can you not see that your answer to her suggests you think he might be interested in you? You’re effectively suggesting you have the power in the situation. That’s not very reassuring for her and it’s quite insensitive. In your shoes, it would have been better to say that he was complimenting you both because it was natural to do so in the circumstances (which I think it was), not keep saying something which suggests you think he might like you.